Welcome Home, @danielhowell. 💕

Mood

Summer break is a funny thing, I get slapped by my extroverted side too often, sit the whole day at home being bored and then suddenly start questioning life.

Overall, I’m pathetic and don’t know how to survive starting work in September. And I’m stressing over my driving license test.

If they don’t cut that small piece of Elizabeth’s bang off soon, I might actually go insane.

IT’S NOT EVEN AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY

Not to sound like a 90s shallow prep, but how you dress can affect your self esteem, and putting energy into wearing things you actively like and projecting an ideal of yourself through fashion instead of seeing clothes as things you have to put on out of obligation helps.

It also can give you a sense of control over your appearance that you otherwise wouldn’t have lmao

New Fav. I really need to start to get a better style. Sadly I’m broke as hell. 

I had not realized how small our worlds must feel to the humans until I walked on one of theirs and realized how small I felt. Their ceilings arched high above even their heads, their buildings rose past the horizon, and their seats could fit me comfortably underneath. When I first arrived, I made the mistake of assuming a chair was a resting hide and settled underneath the sturdy metal to rest before resuming my search for the research lab. The hallways and streets seemed endless, full of looming humans and their unfairly long legs. My tentacles were not meant for this much land travel and they ached. I let my skin fade to the dusty gray of the soft fiber mat as I stretched out my remaining main tentacle. It had to work harder to move me because of the loss of my left main tentacle, and it was beginning to twinge.

A large face suddenly leaned down in front of me. I went blue in fear.

“Hey there, you alright?”

“Yes, I was just resting.”

“Okay, you looked like you were hiding and I wondered if you needed help.”

I hesitated, unsure about showing weakness to another being. But humans were strangely helpful creatures; it should be alright. “I am a bit lost.”

“Yeah? Where you headed?” The human crouched down onto the floor so that they could see me better. I wondered how they had spotted me with my skin matching the floor pattern.

I pulled out the scrap of paper with the address written on it and showed it to the human. “Here. I was told to go there, but I can’t find it.”

The human tapped on their tablet for a moment before baring their teeth. “Oh! I know the place! It’s just four blocks away. I can take you there.”

I contracted nervously. I did not like the reminder that humans were omnivores so close to myself. “Um. If you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all!” They slung a pack off of their back and held it out to me. “Hang onto this.”

I hesitantly wrapped my tentacles around the pack and flashed in panic when they swung it up into the air and onto their back.

“You all right up there?”

I gurgled affirmatively as the human started walking, their long limbs eating up the ground far quicker than I would have ever managed. This was… unexpected but very welcome. The fact that their first instinct was to attempt to carry another being was interesting. Sure, I was much smaller than them, but they had no way of knowing how dense I would be. I could weigh 60 pounds for all they knew, but they hadn’t hesitated to try.

“So why are you headed to the research center, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I was told they would research how to give me a new tentacle if I volunteered.” I clung tighter to the pack as they turned abruptly down the walk.

“Me too! They gave me a new leg!” The human knocked their knuckles against their thigh with a hollow thudding sound.

I flashed in fascination. They were carrying me with no apparent difficulty and without any noticeable change in their walking pattern. “Did it hurt?”

“It took a bit of getting used to, but it doesn’t hurt near as bad as the old ones did. The Center knows their stuff.”

“That is very reassuring. Thank you.” I could probably deal with a little pain if it meant regaining some mobility.

“No problem. Here we are!” he walked through a set of massive automatic glass doors and twisted his neck so he could try to look at me. It must be tiring to have to move ones whole head instead of just eyestalks. “You need any water?”

“Um. Yes, please.” My skin was feeling a bit dry.

“He went to a large, glowing machine and punched a few buttons. The machine groaned and there was a terrible thumping noise before a bottle of water fell into a slot on the bottom. He picked up the bottle and held it over his shoulder so I could reach it. “Here you go.”

“Thank you.” I tucked the bottle against my body with a minor tentacle to absorb later. I didn’t want to risk spilling water on the helpful human.

The humans walked over to a large desk and attracted another human’s attention with an open hand gesture. “Hi! Yeah, my friend here wants to volunteer. Can you set him up an appointment?”

The secretary looked around for a moment before noticing my eyestalks hovering over the human’s shoulder. They bared their teeth. “Hi, My name is Felicia. I can make an appointment for you no problem. For now, would you be willing to accompany me to a waiting room and fill out some paperwork?”

The human carrying waited for my ‘yes’ before slinging the pack off of their back and gently lowering me to the ground. “you good?”

“Yes. Thank you very much for your assistance.”

“No problem, my dude. Hope they can set you up!” The human waved their open hand at me and headed out the front door.

Felicia walked around the desk with a clipboard in hand. “Are there any accommodations we can provide for mobility, comfort, or safety?”

I flashed in confusion. What an odd question. But yet… “Is it far to the waiting room?”

Their eyes glanced between a point far away and then down at me. “Relatively. Would you like a wheelchair?” They spun their clipboard to face me and it’s surface presented a picture of a seat with wheels, and then an illustration of a being using the device to move from one point to another.

“Yes, please.”

They nodded crisply and went back behind their desk, reemerging with a wheelchair rolling in front of them. I managed to slip up onto the seat and settled in. As soon as I was secure, Felicia began pushing the wheel chair along a hallway. We passed maybe eight doors before they stopped and wheeled me into a room with a much lower ceiling than the entrance area. They parked the chair by a table and set the clipboard down in front of me along with a calling device.

“The first few pages are information packets. This room is not monitored and we will not prevent you from leaving at any time. If you wish to contact someone, you may do so. If you wish to speak to a non human representative, we will do our best to accommodate you. After you finish the information packets and make your decision, please fill out the questionnaires.” They bared their teeth and folded their hands behind their back in what I assumed was a nonthreatening gesture. Very contradictory, these humans.

“If you need any assistance, simply press this button and a volunteer will come to assist you. Is there anything you need at this moment?”

“No, thank you.”

They nodded and left the room, closing the door softly behind them. I flattened a portion of my body into a dish shape and poured some of the water into the dip so it could absorb through my skin while I looked through the paper work. Which, apparently ‘paperwork’ didn’t actually mean ‘work on paper’ as I had assumed. The clipboard was actually an industrial grade tablet. The first page on the tablet was a list of questions that asked if I had been coerced, manipulated, or otherwise forced into volunteering by any being, as well as a list of numbers I could call for protection if I felt I had. Humans seemed to realize how terrifying they were, but were strange in that they appeared to not want to scare anybody.

After signing that I was here of my own free will, that I understood my legal rights, and that I agreed to allow them to test experimental prosthetics on me (permission that I could withdraw at anytime, they mentioned this several times), there was yet another list of numbers I could call at any time for help. Finally, they asked if I was comfortable working in close proximity with humans.

I thought hard before I answered that. Yes, they were big, strong, and showed their teeth far too much, but every human I had come across had been shockingly helpful, going out of their path and giving away their own possessions and time to help. I had even seen on the news that a human had legally adopted Murian children as their own to help care for them. Yes, I think I would be comfortable working with humans. Especially if they all had the trait of carrying smaller beings on their backs. I liked seeing things from their perspective.  

Full story on ArchiveofourOwn

It’s like 11am and I still haven’t had my coffee. Ffs.

Capricorn Gryffindor

Out of curiosity people, I’m conducting a survey:

Reblog this and tag your star sign and hogwarts house

I’m a Sagittarius Slytherin

Studying

Today I decided to study for my driving license.

Turns out that it’s not different from studying for school and after 2 question I suddenly had a clean room, showered and even changed my bedsheets. What a surprise, right?

Moving out

I seeall this stuff from my childhood. So many things where I realize, everything I did from my 8yrs old self, was coping.

I had a shitty childhood, but really

With 8 I cut the eyes from old pictures out.

With 9 I drew black over my father in every picture I own of him.

With 10 I wrote in a diary telling it how I hate everyone and everything.

With 12 I got letters from my bullies telling me how worthless I am, I spit in them.

And with 15 I wrote a letter how I will kill myself.

I found this now, cuz I now move out I just realize how bad I actually was. I never fully understood why everyone is so impressed and stunned bymy behavior and casuality about all of this. Until now.

And now I’m sitting here, almost crying, realizing how fucking messed up I was. I am. How fucking good I am at coping and ignoring. How fucking stupid I was thinking I wont get better.

God, I cant fully comprehend the fact that the little girl, destroying her possessions out if anger, trying to kill herself, always mad and angry at the world. The little girl who was insuch a bad spot, was me. Is me idk.

Im still so fucking mad. Still so fucking vulnerable, I never realize how vulnerable, because I well, just keep going, keep living.

Is it a good coping mechanism, stubbornness or just ignorance? Idk all I know is I’ve got better.

My depression and anxiety will never go fully away again. But I’ve got control and freedom.