You Werent Sudden Daylight In The Dark, You’re The Gentle Moonlight On A Summer Night

You werent sudden daylight in the dark, you’re the gentle moonlight on a summer night

I thought i crawled my way out of the dark, that i carved a home into that darkness all on my own. I had, in a sense. Then i met you. The darkness had ebbed back a bit from what i did, but when i met you it went from a flood to a kiddy pool. It wasnt sudden, that’s probably why i didnt notice it at first, but that darkness became easier. I went from completely lost, to clawing my way to a better place, to making friends with it, to letting it carry me through life until i met you, and then i started to actually live again. I didnt know how or why but being around you made me feel better. Even when i was dating a friend, even when i saw him in the morning and was happy to see him, i never felt that pure lightness i did when i was around you. And then we broke up. I got closer to you. I was falling in love without even realizing it. I fell in love with you slowly, a little more with every smile and giggle and late night conversation until suddenly i was in too deep to go back. It was like being caught in a riptide, only this time instead of being swept up into the dark i was swept into the arms of the sun. Even after i realized i loved you i didnt tell you for a couple months. I was scared to lose that warmth. I had gotten so used to the chill i didnt even realize i was cold, but then out of seemingly nowhere i was warm. It was completely unexpected but at the same time made complete sense. I didnt realize it was love for a long time, but what else could it be, it made total sense. Gods the first time i hugged you after telling you i love you really did feel like being in the arms of the sun. I used to be scared of physical contact. I still am in most ways, with most people. But with you, with you its a need, a craving so deep i dont think it’ll ever leave and i never want it too. And i dont know how it happened, but falling in love with you made that darkness change. I realized i had been trying to make it go away, but i never needed to do that. It’s still there, but it’s no longer lurking, waiting for me to slip into the undercurrent and carry me away, No. In falling in love with you i fell in love with the world, with life, with myself. It was the small things. The warmth of a hug, of the sun, the color of your eyes, then the color of my eyes, your smile, then one day i realized i didnt hate my smile like i used to. I had convinced myself that i looked horrible smiling and looked much prettier with a neutral expression. But around you i smiled so much, you smiled so much, that it made me realize my smile isnt bad at all. I still think i look prettier without a smile most times, but now i know i dont have a bad smile, and now im not afraid to smile. Which is a good thing bc whenever im around you i wanna smile. Anyway, darkness, sun, tides, all that stuff. I spent so long carving out a spot for myself in the darkness, but it wasnt until i fell in love with you, until i loved you, until you loved me, until i fell in love with pieces of myself and the world, that i realized i was wrong. I didnt need to fight the darkness, wrestle and fight the tide. No, i didnt need to do that at all. Darkness isnt something you fight. It isnt something you push away and reject, it’s something you embrace and let go of. Darkness isnt a fight, it’s a dance. The harder you fight to stay in control the more you get spun around and tripped up. Loving you and loving myself made me realize i needed to stop fighting and flow with the music. I dont need a thousand suns, i dont need a way to fix everything wrong with me, i dont need to think theres a million things wrong with me, i dont need to need anything like that. I just needed to be happy, to accept there are days the darkness is my friend, a comfort when the world gets too much, fuel for when i cant keep going. And there are days that the darkness is very much not my friend, where it is pure fear and stopping me from doing anything, where it makes me lash out and confused and hurt. And that’s ok. I dont need to be in control. I will never be in control of that.

It took falling in love to realize that.

Falling in love isnt the answer to everything, but it helped a lot more than i thought it would. I never looked for love, not like this. No, i didnt fight for this. This love grew naturally, and grew and grew and blossomed into the most beautiful thing. I will fight as hard as i need to keep this love, but i know i will never control it. I never want to control this love. This love that is wild and frantic and panic and soft touches and tender hugs and carefree smiles and safety and healing and good. This love that feels like sleeping after swimming for hours, this love that feels like following the moonlight on a trail to bed, this love that feels like smiling into dying embers on a night in spring when the world feels old and new and ancient and fresh and right. This love that feels like the home i always wanted, feels like the hugs i used to be too scared to want, feels like the world is finally peaceful without it inevitably being ripped away. I will never control this love, i will nevee fight this love, but i will always fight for this love if i need to, i will fight for you if i need to, but i no longer want to fight. I’ve spent years fighting, now i just want to be soft and spend my life with you. My life my heart my time my love it’s all yours

More Posts from Hamsandwich4736251 and Others

1 month ago

He looks like he’s about to curse someone out omg

Aesthetistt

aesthetistt


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2 months ago

Wow this obsession is sudden

so im posting my merthur wip hope its decent. concept is that there’s a shapeshifter that appears as your greatest love. Arthur has gone to tackle this alone and mysteriously. Merlin has followed him because of course. We are in the woods.

——

Merlin felt like he was intruding, seeing Arthur so openly in love like this. The envy festered in his belly, green and sickening.

And then the shapeshifter appeared. Dark, messy hair, an open grin, a clumsy gait, and a very familiar outfit.

Oh gods.

It was him.

Merlin was stuck fast, wide eyed, his heart pounding in his chest. This was not something he had ever prepared for. Not even something he thought could happen. Arthur cared for him? What on earth had that thing said to him to get him to follow?

He fast reasoned that it must be a platonic bond, built on trust, that cemented him as Arthur’s greatest love. His greatest love. Romance was clearly out of the question here.

And yet.

Merlin’s mouth fell open in shock as the siren ran his fingertips slowly over Arthur’s shoulders, and down his strong arms. He could almost feel the contours of Arthur’s body on his own fingertips. Having dressed Arthur so often, he knew the planes of his arms and shoulders almost like the back of his own hands. Long had he dreamed of tracing them like this. He gasped aloud when the shapeshifter tugged on his sword belt, causing Arthur to laugh, undoing it and throwing it into the undergrowth.

Merlin should have been concerned that the thing had disarmed him, but he was far more focused on its clear mission in touching as much of Arthur as possible. Its hands slipped under his white tunic, Arthur laughing as they awkwardly tried to remove it. They finally got it off him, Arthur dramatically throwing his shirt as he tugged Not-Merlin towards him to kiss his neck, Arthur’s hands running through its hair. Merlin breathed desperately, watching his love shiver as shapeshifter kissed and licked at his neck, bliss evident on his face.

Merlin’s blood seemingly had no idea what to do with itself or where to go. He should probably put a stop to this, and save Arthur, but watching his fantasies come to life was quite riveting, actually. The siren annoyingly had Merlin down to a tee. He watched himself melt into Arthur’s touch, and whisper something into Arthur’s ear that made him chuckle. Arthur smiled back.

“I’m yours.” He said, loving and earnest.

He then boldly took its face in his hands-

Merlin snapped back into reality. He had to do something now. He leapt out of his hiding spot and tumbled down the bank.

“Arthur! That isn’t me!” He shouted, feet slipping on the muddy ground as he rushed towards them.

Arthur turned to Merlin, and jumped away from the siren as if he was burned, his face flushing red with shock and embarrassment. He looked between the creature and Merlin frantically.

“What are you doing here?”

“Saving your life, you git!” Merlin grabbed the shapeshifter’s arms, and shoved it away from Arthur, tackling it to the floor. It was very odd fighting himself, but his self loathing was deep enough that it was fairly therapeutic.

Arthur had somehow turned redder, with embarrassment or fury, Merlin wasn’t sure. “Well at least I know you’re the real you, this thing didn’t disrespect me once.”

“It had a bloody good go at it though! Good job I got here.”

“Yes, great job, well done Merlin.” Arthur said through gritted teeth.

Arthur, at this point, was feeling many things, most of which he couldn’t bring himself put into words. Confusion, horror, and the flames of embarrassment coursed through his whole body. However, watching Merlin frantically wrestle with himself also let in a few flickers of something that shot down into his belly, that he probably shouldn’t have been feeling in such a grave situation. He winced at his own insanity, and focused on the matter at hand, desperately searching in the leafy undergrowth for his sword belt.

The siren managed to push Merlin off, flipping them over, pressing his wrists into the mud. He was pinned there by the thing, still looking up at his own face, vindictive and angry.

“Ah… what have we here… you’re a different one, aren’t you. Complicated.” Merlin winced, as the thing tightened its grip, nails digging into flesh. “Must be difficult looking at your own face with so much self hatred. How’s this one?”

Merlin watched in horror as the siren’s face morphed from his own into exactly who he suspected he would see. Dark curls unfurled into a soft blonde, his narrow jaw became strong, square, and he saw the face he had shaved so many times, the eyes he saw blinking into the morning sun every day, settle before him on the face of the siren. The weight on him changed: Arthur’s shape was stronger, heavier. The hands around his wrists became familiar, callouses from sword fighting blooming on its palms, and he couldn’t help but slightly relax into its touch.

He dared not look up and catch the real Arthur’s reaction. He hoped he was still searching for his sword.

The siren smiled with Arthur’s face, soft and loving. Merlin had seen that smile on him just moments earlier, when he first broke into the clearing. He craved this. His traitorous heart filled with bittersweet joy.

1 month ago

We’d both be staring at something beautiful

Museum dates where she stares at the art and I stare at her.

2 months ago

penelope didn't have to turn the tree bed into a riddle. she could have asked odysseus to prove his identity, to tell her something only he would know — which she actually did a few books earlier, when she asked the beggar to describe odysseus, and odysseus told her about a purple cloak with a particular golden brooch that she fastened herself twenty years ago. when penelope tells telemachus they have signs by which they'll know each other, you sort of expect more of the same. and instead, she decides to trap him. like a bug in a cup.

and it's delightful to me, idk, how odysseus has been trapped and cornered in various way throughout the odyssey, but arguably never so that he has to tell the truth to get out. (with the phaeacians, maybe? the omniscient narrator corroborates some of what he tells them, but do we really know everything?) and in fact he is not trying to get free of penelope. he wants something from her, wants to convince her, wants to be welcomed home, but until this point he's lied to her, revealed himself to other people before her, and been distant with her (though also patient! he doesn't try to strongarm or rush her into accepting him; it's his idea to sleep elsewhere).

except penelope isn't looking for him to be distant and patient. penelope lies in a way that requires odysseus to stop playing along — not only to prove that he knows what odysseus knows, but that he's willing to tell the truth about himself.

3 months ago

My girlfriend and i before i remember we’re at a homophobic school ;-;

Because I’m A Sucker For Jayce Looking At Viktor With A Bit Too Much Love In His Eyes, And Am Fully
Because I’m A Sucker For Jayce Looking At Viktor With A Bit Too Much Love In His Eyes, And Am Fully

Because I’m a sucker for Jayce looking at Viktor with a bit too much love in his eyes, and am fully convinced that they have moments when they almost end up kissing …

4 months ago

I Understand now holy fuck

Fuck all I can think about is hands crawling under my hoodie from behind.

Don't you want to creep your fingers up my sides to my shoulder blades? Trace your name down my spine and do some fake outs under my arms? Goose my sides until I'm a squirmy giggly mess in my chair?

I'll even ask nicely if you promise not to stop until I'm thoroughly melted, just for you

2 months ago

I love how insane this would look to anyone outside of the fandom

My mother would be scarred and scared and it would be the highlight of my dad and my sis would be cackling from 30 miles away

Happy Valentines Day💕
Happy Valentines Day💕
Happy Valentines Day💕
Happy Valentines Day💕
Happy Valentines Day💕
Happy Valentines Day💕
Happy Valentines Day💕

Happy Valentines Day💕

3 months ago

Gender envy AND beautiful fanart?????? Amazing, we’re thriving over here definitely not crying over the ending nope

Short Jon Gender Euphoria Comic For The Soul :,)
Short Jon Gender Euphoria Comic For The Soul :,)
Short Jon Gender Euphoria Comic For The Soul :,)
Short Jon Gender Euphoria Comic For The Soul :,)

Short Jon gender euphoria comic for the soul :,)

2 months ago

Why is this actually so sweet and pretty aksjsidhjdfhjdhcjdhfudjdjdj

I Was Gonna Do More With This But I Think This Is About As Far As Ill Go. Maybe. Who Knows. Happy Late

i was gonna do more with this but i think this is about as far as ill go. maybe. who knows. happy late valentines <3

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hamsandwich4736251 - Hi Im New Here 🖕
Hi Im New Here 🖕

15 going on fuckin 50 from how much I put up with (Not talking to you baby) Pronouns? No clue call me by whatever pronouns y’all want Demiromantic Panromantic Taken New to the tickling community, please nothing spicy- sfw only Warning, I will geek out about very random things if given the chance

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