Jofcreman​:

I’m just- I’m tired of trying. I feel like nothing I do is enough.

KEVIN CAN F**K HIMSELF | 1.01 — “Living the Dream”

NEW GIRL 04.02 “Dice”

adam jacob richards & walden cole montgomery

“he was my north, my south, my east and west, my working week and my sunday rest, my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; i thought that love would last for ever: i was wrong.”

― w.h. auden, stop all the clocks

“come then, put away your sword in its sheath, and let us two go up into my bed so that, lying together in the bed of love, we may then have faith and trust in each other.”

― homer, the odyssey

“so excuse me forgetting, but these things i do. you see, i've forgotten if they're green or they're blue. anyway, the thing is, what i really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes i've ever seen.”

― elton john, your song

“whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” 

― emily bronte, wurthing heights

“he said, "let's get out of this town, drive out of the city, away from the crowds." i thought, heaven can't help me now. nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down. he's so tall and handsome as hell. he's so bad, but he does it so well. i can see the end as it begins, my one condition is: say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset, babe. red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll see me again. even if it's just in your wildest dreams.”

― taylor swift, wildest dreams

"he smiled understandingly — much more than understandingly. it was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you might come across four or five times in your life. it faced — or seemed to face — the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. it understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey."

― f. scott fitzgerald, the great gatsby

“you do not have to be good. you do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. tell me about despair, yours, and i will tell you mine. meanwhile the world goes on.”

― mary oliver, wild geese

nilssen​:

𝐖𝐇𝐎: Peter Nilssen & @goldenboyrichards​​​​

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓: Peter’s in his shit, shit, shit era

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄: The Hospital, sorry :/

Shit, shit, shit. Peter was so fucked. He was so fucking fucked. He didn’t know if this was going to bite him in the ass later. It wasn’t his problem, was it? He was told to just keep the skeletons under control, which… he had totally failed at doing. Maybe he wasn’t as good at his job as he thought. Luckily, none of them had been hurt, but with one of their arrests it only seemed logical that someone at Hawkins P.D. would start piecing together that the rest were involved. He had to make sure that didn’t happen.

So, he went to the hospital. There were a million thoughts in his head. What was his purpose for going to the hospital? To find one of his skeletons? Convince them that the explosion wasn’t their fault? Probe them into giving him some sort of information. With a huff, he leaned against the receptionist’s desk, arms folded as he watched and waited for someone he knew to pass by. And then in a chance of luck, Adam Richards walked right past him. “Oh, Adam,” he sang in an attempt to get Adam’s attention. Once he had it, he used two fingers and waved at him with a come hither motion. “What brings you here?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. “You look rather…” he looked the guy up and down,” …Unscathed.”

After worrying for so long about Cole, and making sure he was okay and not in too much pain, Adam had nearly forgotten to check in with anyone else. He couldn’t help it - he had always been a nurturer, someone who took care of others. And now he was taking care of his boyfriend, who he loved very much, and who he had accidentally helped put in the hospital. He was still feeling immense grief about that, along with everything else that had happened at the carnival. 

He was so lost in his own head that as he passed Peter, he didn’t even look at him. Adam was on his way to buy a bottle of water from the vending machine when he heard Peter calling for him. “Oh,” He stopped, turning around and approaching the taller man. “Uh, hey, Peter,” Adam greeted him, trying to ignore the slightly unsettling feeling he had around the man. Peter was fine - nothing was wrong with him. He just knew so much about Adam, and Adam knew very little about the man who was in charge of helping the people of the commune fit back in to society. “I’m here checking on my...friend. Cole,” Adam supplied, lips pressed into a tight smile. “I wasn’t hurt,” He shrugged, not entirely understanding how he could have been near the blast and not felt a thing. It was confusing, but at least he was alive. “It’s really weird,” Adam admitted, brow furrowing in confusion. “I don’t really... remember it. Cole said we lit the explosions, and I heard Billy was arrested.” With a pang of guilt and worry, he looked up at Peter sharply. “Are the rest of us in trouble too?”

chancecunningham​:

when adam snapped, chance held up his hands like a white flag. “don’t come at me, man,” he urged him, shaking his head, “i’m just trying to understand what the fuck is going on.” chance knew he wasn’t wrong to be questioning everyone around him, particularly the people who had been part of this forest commune thing who seemed to be involved. but at the same time…this was adam. chance knew him. he knew he wasn’t capable of being bad or evil. “okay,” chance finally said after a pause, exasperated, “i believe you. you weren’t drunk or on anything or whatever. okay.” 

up until this point, chance had been trying to come up with a logical explanation for everything that had happened. maybe these people were being blackmailed. maybe they were on drugs. maybe that was why they were acting out so violently. but the more adam explained what he knew, the more chance was convinced that this defied logic. “something was controlling you?” he asked as he furrowed his brows in frustration, “what like…something…not human?” now his tone was hushed. he expected this type of talk from someone like jo, but for adam to be suggesting it? someone who grew up with all the same values and ideas as him? well…it was a trip. 

everything adam was saying corroborated chrissy’s story too—about blacking out, about not remembering anything. his heart sank. what had happened to them? what was happening now? chance tuned adam back in just as he was reaching the end of his explanation. apparently that’s how I was acting three years ago when…”right before you died,” chance stated, overlapping with whatever adam was about to say. “i know,” he explained, figuring that warranted an explanation, “i mean…i remember. no one else seems to remember it but i do and i know cole does and it wasn’t just you…” this part chance was telling him in confidence, “i remember chrissy too. dying, i mean. she died, man. she…” his voice trailed off as a lump formed in his throat. he swallowed it down and took a second to regroup. “what do you think this is, adam? like…for real…level with me…what the fuck is this?” adam had always been the one chance went to for advice, for answers. surely he wouldn’t fail him now. 

“I’m not coming at you!” Adam snapped back, not used to being angry with Chance. They’d been best friends since they were little, inseparable until they’d reached high school and suddenly most of Adam’s time had gone to Cole. Adam usually was able to keep a level-head around Chance, but being accused of doing all of that just because he’d been drunk rubbed Adam the wrong way. There was no way Adam was capable of that, even intoxicated.  “I don’t know what the fuck is going on either, Chance,” He said more evenly, running a hand through his hair as he leaned back against the wall. 

He was worried Chance wasn’t going to believe him. After all, they’d both gone to mass growing up. They’d both been raised by parents with specific values and morals. The idea of something controlling him like that? It didn’t make sense, unless they were talking about a demon. Adam was positive if he’d told either of his parents about anything like that, they’d be calling their priest immediately to get him to come see Adam. So for Chance to be somewhat hearing Adam out meant a lot. “Something not human.” Adam confirmed, biting his lip. “I don’t know anything else, really. Just something possessed me, or us, I guess. And it happened to me three years ago too.” 

When Chance mentioned Adam’s death, he was floored. He had known Cole remembered it, and Beth too, but Chance? Fucking hell. Adam had died and it seemed like only three people remembered it happening. That was so difficult to wrap his mind around. “...you remember me dying?” Adam asked, studying Chance’s face as he explained that Chrissy had died too. Oh fuck. Adam hadn’t known that - he hadn’t realized. “Oh my god...” He blinked, trying to understand what all of this meant. “I don’t remember dying. Cole, Beth and you do, I guess. Does Chrissy? She said...she didn’t seem like it. Does she know?” He asked, rambling through the question as he tried to process it all and think back to his conversations with Chrissy since he’d gotten back. “We’re in way over our heads.” Adam admitted to Chance when the other asked him what this all was. “I really don’t know much. I just know whatever possessed me three years ago is dead, according to Max Mayfield. But this new thing seems to be able to control us too.” 

kvrenwheeler​:

recently karen had been feeling like she had more mouths to feed right now than she did when all of her children were living at home permanently. with nancy having a friend over for the summer, and that boyfriend of hers in tow as well. then there was michael and his friends who often stayed for dinner too, and obviously ted and holly as well. it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but overwhelming since the majority she had to do herself. 

so the grocery shop was currently a lot more draining than usual, given the sheer amount of groceries was almost twice as much as usual. but it did give her time to herself, however short. 

abandoning the cart on the other side of the aisle, she moved over to grab a specific box of cereal at mike’s request of course. it was only when a loud crashing sound came from behind her, that the box fell from her hand and clattered to the ground as well. 

turning on her heel to locate the noise, she was met with a young man who had pushed his cart into hers. ah, that must have been it. “it’s no problem.” karen couldn’t help but notice that he seemed a little on edge. then came the brief recognition, which caused her to frown. “are you a friend of my son’s?” technically speaking he could also be a friend of nancy’s, she just couldn’t put her finger on it. 

Adam was thankful that he’d only crashed into the woman’s cart, at least. If he’d actually hurt her or knocked over a display or something, that would have been so embarrassing. He moved quickly around their carts to help grab the item she’d dropped, handing it back to her before returning. “Sorry, I need to pay more attention,” He apologized again, offering her a small, sheepish smile. 

At her question about her son, Adam frowned, trying to figure out who she was talking about. After a second, he realized she was Mrs. Wheeler, so she must have been talking about the nerdy kid who had a little friend group that he spent so much time with. Adam didn’t really know them, but he’d seen them a few times at the pool, he thought. “Oh, no,” He shook his head, smiling slightly. Adam did know that kid’s older sister, though. She’d been a year or two behind him in school, but she’d saved his science grade when he retook the class. “But Nancy used to be my lab partner! I think I came over once to study.” It wasn’t like they had been close or anything, and honestly ‘studying’ had been him staring at his textbook in confusion for two hours while Nancy made flash cards. Still, he remembered Mrs. Wheeler being nice when he’d come over, and he sort of remembered her coming to the pool a lot back when he’d been a lifeguard with Billy and Heather. “I’m Adam Richards, ma’am.” He told her with a small smile, holding a hand out for her to shake. 

WHO: Adam & @zccming​

WHAT: How tf haven’t we met yet

WHERE: Cole’s Room

If there was someone who’d been hanging around Cole and Steve’s hospital room as much as himself ( and Eddie, of course ), it was Max Mayfield. Unfortunately for Adam, most of the time, she’d been around while he’d been asleep. The events of the carnival had exhausted him, and any chance he got to sleep either curled up around Cole or sitting in the chair, holding his hand, Adam took. But this time, he seemed to have woken up before Cole and found her in one of the chairs in the room. “Oh, hey,” He greeted quietly, being very careful not to wake Cole as he got out of the small hospital bed. 

He wasn’t sure how she felt about him after everything that had happened at the carnival. Adam couldn’t blame her if she hated him or blamed him for what had happened because honestly, he blamed himself too. He didn’t understand any of it, even the things that Cole had shared with him confused him. Adam just knew that the blackouts were dangerous and had happened before. Giving her her space, Adam kept to the edges of the room after he’d stood up and stretched. “I’m sorry about the carnival,” He finally said, studying her. “I don’t get this. I don’t know what’s happening to me or why we did that.” The lack of answers terrified him, honestly. 

colemontgomeryx​:

who: cole & @goldenboyrichards​

where: the Richards’ house

Since Adam died, Cole had made it a habit to check on his sisters at least once a week. He’d been quite close to them when Adam was alive, as he went over to the Richards house once or twice a week for English tutoring. Mrs. Richards, particularly, loved Cole for ensuring her son passed English, and always had some sort of baked good in the oven on tutoring days. He’d loved coming over to the Richards’, to get a glimpse of a functional family and a father who was fairly involved with his children. Besides, Cole had always wanted a big family, so he was never annoyed by the girls’ footsteps and giggling filling the hallways.

Now, though, the energy in the household was different. For the first few months after the fire, Cole almost dreaded going over– it broke his heart to see the family so devastated. But in the last year or so, it had gotten easier; they’d sort of mutually decided that remembering Adam together was better than suffering alone. It was a somber occasion, still, but bearable. 

Today, Cole had picked up Dirty Dancing at Family Video, because Cindy had been talking about it lately and he figured he’d give it a shot. He always had a soft spot for Cindy (and Patrick Swayze). Cole approached the familiar house on his skateboard and stopped short by the curb, glancing at a guy around his age sitting on the porch. Had they invited cousins into town he didn’t know about? Or maybe it was the neighbor?

Untucking the VHS from his arm, Cole walked up the steps and tried to get a closer look at the guy without seeming weird. He immediately recognized Adam’s old hat– the beat-up Notre Dame logo, with bleach spots from a botched wash, was unmistakable. “Hey, man,” Cole said, trying to get his attention. “I don’t know if you’re a guest or whatever, but you shouldn’t touch Adam’s stuff,” he said, trying to keep the resentment out of his voice. What kind of asshole just helped himself to a dead guy’s belongings? Cole wanted to snatch the hat off of the guy’s head, but he resisted.

Home had always been a safe place for Adam. It was a place full of laughter, of love, a place where he could mostly be himself. Even once Adam had realized he was gay, home hadn’t felt scary or unfamiliar. He hadn’t told his parents or sisters - although, he was pretty sure at least Beth knew - but he hadn’t felt weird about bringing Cole around, either. They were friends first, Cole was technically even Adam’s tutor, so it was never weird having him around. He’d fit into their family seamlessly, almost. Adam could even pretend that it would still be like that if his family fully knew the truth. 

Come home after.... whatever had happened to him over the last three years was the first time things felt off. Something had shifted within the Richards’ household once he had left, something he never could have anticipated. Adam knew that when he and Cole ran away, his family would be hurt. But then Adam hadn’t run away with Cole - he’d gone to live in the forest around Hawkins, apparently. And while he was gone, his family had fractured in small ways. Like the result of an earthquake, the foundation had cracked and changed, and the happy family of five was now a sad family of four. 

Now they were a family of five again, if Adam could just figure out how he fit into the new picture. But it felt like maybe he was too jagged now; his pieces didn’t fit anymore. 

Going out in public seemed too scary these days. Everyone knew his face, knew his name, knew the golden boy he’d been before. And they all wanted to know just what the hell would make someone like him, someone seemingly perfect, disappear for three years. And the worst thing was, Adam had no answers. He didn’t know. Because he just couldn’t wrap his brain around the idea that he would run away and leave Cole behind. 

He sat on his front porch, baseball cap pulled low and sunglasses on to hide his face from prying neighbors. If Mrs. Sanders asked one more fucking time how he was feeling, he might actually explode. As someone approached the front door, Adam was ready to bolt back inside, warm weather be damned, when he heard a voice he knew as well as his own.

“Cole?” He asked, looking up at him to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. But standing there in the flesh was Cole Montgomery. Adam’s heart fluttered at the sight of him standing there with his skateboard, exactly as Adam remembered him. 

Pulling the sunglasses off, Adam tossed them aside carelessly to show Cole that it was him. “Cole, I’m so sorry.” He apologized, slowly standing up and taking a cautious step towards him. Adam didn’t know how upset Cole might be with him; he’d just abandoned him for three years, after all. But... if he was mad at Adam, why was he visiting Adam’s house? “I swear, I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean to just leave you. I’m so sorry.” 

bethkrichards​:

Beth couldn’t even accept the apology if she tried. She knew that getting to be with Cole was something Cole had been begging for for years, saying if he’d had one last moment with Adam, then maybe, just maybe, everything would be different. Beth had felt the same: they both thought that being with him might have stopped the strange behavior he’d exhibited a week or so before he’d died. Now, when he was back and not weird, or so she’d thought, until people mentioned at the hospital that Adam wasn’t himself at the carnival, she couldn’t really blame either of them for wanting to spend every waking moment together. Especially not when Cole was in the hospital, and Beth was just grateful that Adam got to be by his side instead of reminiscing about missing him.

She nearly winced at the name coming from her brother’s mouth instead of Cole’s: Lizzie was reserved for Adam only, until Cole had said it once after he’d died and Beth hadn’t corrected him. It was an unspoken thing they’d kept between them to keep Adam a little bit alive. “Don’t be sorry,” she assured him with a shake of her head. “I’m sorry I couldn’t have been there more, but, you know, someone has to hold down the fort around here.” Beth tilted her head to each side, pondering his question. There already wasn’t much to do in Hawkins to begin with, much less after spending a few days straight in a hospital. “We could … hit the diner for some not-hospital food, bug Steve for Family Video’s latest releases, or, hear me out, we steal mom’s pool passes.” She paused, letting him take in the options. “Or, if you’re too tired for any of that, I’m perfectly fine with taking the couch in the basement and watching cable.”

Back in high school, Cole and Beth had been pretty close. Once she’d figured out that the two of them had a deeper connection than friendship, she’d hung out with them a lot, becoming someone the pair of them could depend on to help keep their secret. After he had died, though, it seemed that she and Cole had gotten even closer. Adam loved that. He was glad that they’d each had the other to depend on to help them get through their grief. Beth was his best friend, and he was thankful every day that he’d gotten a sister as wonderful as her. 

“No, you needed to be here,” Adam agreed, knowing their parents would have been concerned if they both started spending all of their time at the hospital together with Cole. And honestly, Adam had needed some time with just his boyfriend to process everything. Finding out that he had uncontrollable blackouts where he was full of rage wasn’t easy to hear, and he didn’t want to go through that in front of his little sister. “Beth,” He started, looking at her with concern. “Did I... before, three years ago, the week before I died,” Adam took a deep breath, still not used to saying the word. “Back then, did I do anything to hurt you or Cindy?” He asked, dreading the answer but needing to know it just the same. Adam was so thankful that he hadn’t hurt Cole, but he was worried he could have hurt someone else instead. “If I did, I’m so sorry.”

Those were some good options, but Adam wasn’t hungry enough to hit up the diner right now. He had talked to Steve a bit when he was still sharing the hospital room with Cole, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to go and act like everything was totally normal by bugging him at his job. The pool sounded nice. Whatever had happened to him and Cole at Lovers’ Lake had happened awhile ago, and Adam was sure it was tied more to the lake than to water itself. He also wouldn’t mind a night at home, though. “Pool or basement, you pick,” Adam told his sister with a small smile.