I Fucking Hate Myself Guys

my friend was complaining about how she didn't like the sweets she was trying and I said "awwww" as in a friendly banter kind of thing and she just shot back, "Well, at least I am eating."

She said that so accusingly as well but I felt super fucking happy

Saturdays are always bad for me food wise

Not only do I have to eat at least two of the meals my family cook, but then I'm also at home most of the time and around food, and that becomes especially difficult when I have work to do I don't particularly enjoy.

I feel so fucking pathetic for this though but I'll have to find something that works for me, somehow.

the way I keep eating like a pig like wow goddamn bro do you even want to be skinny

sometimes I just sit there having imaginary conversations in my head whilst making little gestures and expressions, and sometimes I don't even realize

I must look like such an idiot then lol

i made a post like "wow my mental health is so much better than it used to be" but then i deleted it cause i remembered that it's actually just as bad, but in a new, different way

i was almost bamboozeled into thinking i got better when i'm actually just a different flavor of miserable now

3dblr is such a helpful community to have, or I can at least say this for myself.

I've learned so much about harm reduction from some of you, as well as what food i can make/e@t without going above my limit.

I know it's obviously a disorder and all of the other things that could be said as a fact, but also I firmly believe that without community, it would be so much worse. All of the acceptance, unwavering support in recovery when people want that, as well as not forcing anyone to do anything. A lot of people don't get that sort of freedom.

I think back at people who lived before the internet who had an 3d, some like; Karen Carpenter (who died from it), Jane Fonda, Sally Field, and even some of our older family members. I imagine it must've been even more isolating, plus absolutely less support and harm reductive information readily available.

While we aren't lucky, we do have eachother, and all of this other insight gifted to us by eachother. All of this proves to me just how important community and solidarity can be.

I thought I WANTED a proper balanced meal filling me up, getting rid of the headache and dizziness and giving me energy.

Turns out all I NEEDED was some coffee and a sf Monster

getting used to the hunger once again (it's literally the best feeling)

"What do you do in your free time" how do I say "pace around my backyard whilst imagining myself reacting to WL related compliments and situations" without sounding weird

My lunch :)

Total: 155

(2x corncakes - 50; 7g Pesto - 23; 84g cottage cheese - 77; 12g frozen berries - 6)

Basically leftovers lol. Tasted okay and at least I'm full now - and don't mind the bowl please. It's cringe but it has a pig face and so whenever I finished eating that's what's staring back at me as a reminder looool not funny Ik