They Shouldn't Have Me Shopping For Clothes If They Don't Want Me To Make Pretty Little Red Engravings

Okay but why do I actually kinda love writing essays

Can overly excessive caffeine consumption be, like,

Bad?

Was trying to read a book while pacing around my room but a couple pages in I realized just how heavy that thing was like okay, may not be the best to read while walking then, but also how am I supposed to read all that? Ugh

I've been trying to read more lately, because I always thought it was a bit of a waste of time really (I just sit around and do nothing even remotely productive, especially when it's novels I'm reading (I'm trying to get myself a couple scientific books now though so that I'll also feel like I am really doing something for my brain and interests then)) but then I got myself a digital watch and I've really started paying attention to my steps and work outs now and I got the brilliant idea of "what if I read during that?"

My neck is not thanking me. The books are not thanking me. I am NOT thanking me. But it's cool! It's books, after all.

And I used to read a lot as a kid, but that was because I got bullied (especially about my body) and literally had nothing else to do during break time back then because no one wanted to hang out with the fatty kid. Anyway, and that's one of the reasons I kind of stopped reading novels, but now I'm getting back into it!

I know that's a random ass lost but whatever. I don't even plan to write that much, I just wanted to tell you about my heavy book and then the words just started flowing lol

I haven't weighed myself in at least a week now I think, which is crazy considering I usually get super obsessed with it and sometimes do it multiple times a day, but for one I'm too scared what the scale may say and then if I actually want to see my progress I need to look for actual physical changes and don't rely on the number of the scale?

I guess I'll try it out for a bit, except for yesterday I was in a deficit ever day that week and I'll just try not to weigh myself for a while and hopefully get a pleasant surprise when I do

tempted to steal my Dad's laxatives

my aunt and godmother just died

I'm fat why am I still fat

Oh it's cuz I eat food like the fucking fat ass I am I fucking hate food and I need to be skinnyyyyyyyy

I have to calculate the perfect time to cut because of stupid swimming classes at school, so they're healed as much as possible when the next lesson takes place

It's fucking stupid honestly

why scar cream gotta be so expensive :(

The next few days are going to be incredibly busy for me, but that's awesome because I'll literally won't have time to eat :D

I'm not going to try and fast though, because I will need the energy

It started today with me having to stay at school until 6pm (🥲) because of choir practice, tomorrow I'll have to leave almost right after school to play at a concert (I know I'll barely have time to change and maybe practice the pieces one last time)

And on Saturday I'll have singing stuff from 8am to 4pm

Both crying and laughing right now because I know I'll be DRAINED when all this is over, but I won't be around my parents to watch me eat, I won't be at home with all the binge food and I'll probably be to busy to even think about eating anything, hopefully

As I mentioned though, I will be having dinner, because it's the only time I'll be around my parents and I will really need that energy