Come On Hip Bones, Don't Be Shy I Promise I'll Treat You Kindly Pleseaasse Poke Out Alreadyyy

Do i hate it when people worry about me? Hell yea! Does it feel nice to know that someone gives a shit about me/notices that i'm getting worse? YES!

Family is going out to eat with me shit-

I be typing out comments and then delete them because what if you think that's weird? What if it's rude? What if I'm unintentionally doing some kind of damage of you?

I'm so torn between wanting to move out and get as sick as possible living alone and wanting to be recovered by then.

Because the ed part of me has been waiting for that since I first developed it, but then I actually want to make it in life, maybe I'll be studying physics or chemistry and I'll NEED brain power for that, and I can't keep thinking about food 24/7 then, I know it'll likely never fully go away and at the moment, I'm not even trying to get better, but I just don't know what to do

I don't think I want to recover yet - let alone that I would be able to right now - but I know that at some point I'll have to if I ever want to be more than I am right now

Could someone please give me some kind of advice 🥹

Everything I got from the store today! I ended up not getting too much because I reconsidered my budget, but here it is! They didn't have my usual protein bar flavours so I decided to try these new ones, and I haven't tried on of these monsters as well. I just like to amass safe foods and look at them it makes me happy honestly lol

ana culture is washing the measuring cups but leaving your dirty dishes in the sink

tempted to steal my Dad's laxatives

One look in the mirror - and I mean a proper look, not just catching a glimpse of my reflection walking by, no, I mean fully inspecting my body for 5-10 minutes really gets me questioning everything, but it's one of the most motivating things ever, honestly.

Still at my Grandma's... And I fucked up. Usually when I'm here, I either do really well or straight up binge, and it's appears that this time, I do both. Yesterday, I did really well actually but today was horrible. To be fair, no one in my family ate "normally" today, it's the ore-Easter shit, but I mean, they're not disordered, so I feel even more like a faker rn 😭

It's Easter tomorrow and I'm really scared. I'm feeling motivated to do well, but my family wants to go out for lunch tomorrow. I'll just get something from the kids's menu, skip breakfast and only eat a small dinner with my family if I can't avoid it.

And I really have to work on my steps! I feel awful for neglecting them, but I have a really important school project I need to work on... It feels like am excuse, but logically, it really isn't.

I mean, the day after tomorrow my Dad and I will leave already again, and the rest of the fam will stay with my grandma still, andy Dad will leave too after a few days, so my other sister and I will be home alone for a couple days at the end of the holiday s, which is great, since she doesn't really like me and won't force me to eat with her or something. Maybe she'll expect me to cook, because she's prepping for some exams, but that's fine Ig. I mean, I'm kinda planning to fast, but I'll also have to work on that school project, and I'll have to plan my eating depending on how much brain power I'll need then lol. So I have to finish as much of the project as I can now so that I'll be fine fasting/doing high res then.

Bruh why is this post so loong