There Is No Way Anakin Is THIS Dumb

Tim ‘the-world’s-greatest-detective’ Drake, 30 seconds after arriving on scene:

“The murder weapon was a golf club, the victim’s brother did it, and it has no connections to any of the Gotham rogues. Anyone have a pen?”

Tim ‘hasn’t-slept-in-80-hours’ Drake, trying to figure out why his frog shaped coffee mug Looks Like A Frog:

“what the ffukc are you” *blinks one eye at a time*

What the Justice Leaguers Do On Their Days Off… I kept cackling at J’onn! 🤣

It's always funny to me when people assume that Batman employed a child when said child was like 'let me out there or I will start going out myself and biting ankles'

Citizen or whtv: what the hell batman

Batman: (helpless shrugging) look it was either this(gestures to traffic light child) or he goes out alone and dies ok what choice did I have

Damian [brings in a hairless cat]: evening everyone, meet Jason

Damian: I adopted him from the shelter yesterday

Dick: let me guess, you named the cat Jason as revenge for that parrot

Jason [laughs]: and he named after me the hairless cat specifically

Jason: but I don't mind, it will remind me of my helmet

Damian: no, Todd, when I chose a cat to name after you, I didn't rely on the lack of fur

[Dick and Jason exchange glances and look at Damian, Dick with interest, Jason with suspicion]

Damian [solemnly]: the sad truth, Todd, is that Jason is castrated…

[learn about the parrot]

Why am I not surprised

oh so we're doing scooby doo crimes now

I have a silly little headcanon that the only reason Gordon knows Batman is Bruce Wayne is because one time, shortly after the Bat and him started working "together" semi-regularly he had to interview Mr. Wayne at a crime scene and when he's done he turns around for a second as he grabs a cig from his pocket. When he goes to offer one to Wayne like he does to everyone, and the Bat, Wayne is just gone.

Gordon spots him a few moments later on the other side of the crime scene

Just, it's still early so the disappearing once done talking to Gordon has become habit but not a conscious one yet that Bruce is aware of and controls. So for a moment he disappeared like he would of if he were in the suit

“Things the Bats accidentally do outside of the suit because they’re so used to doing it in the suit” is one of new favorite tropes. It includes that Jason post the other day about walking differently with/without a 20 lb gun belt around your hips, etc.

Dick: Damian, why are you so thoughtful?

Damian: thinking about how to get revenge on Todd.

Dick [frowning]: for what?

Damian: the bastard gave me a parrot...

Dick: but that's great! I thought you liked animals!

Damian: yes, but he first taught this parrot to say, “Help, I've been turned into a parrot”

[GET REVENGE ON JASON]

Hi

Can we have some headcanons about GCPD reacting to Talon Dick? (We already traumatized JLA and Titans, now it is Gordon's turn, lol)

Heck yeah!

The first time Batman shows up with Talon in tow Gordon doesn’t even realize he’s there until Batman addresses him and Dick finally moves from his ominous perch on a nearby pillar. He was still enough that Gordon’s brain filed him away as a gargoyle. Gordon takes one good look at Talon and feels his fight or flight instinct kick in with full force. That golden eyed stare is a whole new kind of unnerving. He feels like a mouse caught in the gaze of a predator.

When Gordon not so subtly demands too now what the hell that “thing” is, Batman doesn’t even pause before saying “that’s Talon” and continuing with his debrief on the latest case. He refuses to to elaborate any further.

Gordon has to call a meeting when it becomes apparent that Talon (Gordon point blank refuses to think about the Cour of Owls being real. He refuses.) is now a permanent fixture at the Batman’s side because he’s had to console several terrified newbies during the last few weeks because Bird Boy’s scary factor is worse than the friggin Batman’s, and “No, commissioner! You don’t understand! I SAW HIM TAKE A SHOT TO THE THROAT AND WALK IT OFF!”

Gordon asks Batman only once if he has to worry about demons or zombies now, deciding that if the answer is “yes” he is going to quit. Damn it all. Unfortunately, the answer is no.

Dick takes a liking to the commissioner. The commissioner wishes Talon didn’t, because his heart palpitations definitely got worse since having a goddamn Talon show up in his office every other day. How did the guy even get in here? There was literally nobody in the room with him a second ago!

Just when Gordon thought he finally had the kid (because it IS a kid, he realizes with a nauseous twist in his stomach) all figured out, Robin shows up. Gordon had to call another meeting with the rookies after one of them insulted the walking traffic light and got dangled off the edge of a roof. New rule: No trash talking Robin. Ever.

Talon makes a game out of scaring the officers he doesn’t like. Gordon… doesn’t veto that game unless he knows that particular cop is clean. Which they rarely are.

Talon doesn’t talk in the presence of others for the longest time, and when he does Gordon nearly falls over in surprise. He was thoroughly convinced he’s only capable of bird speech.

Love this

The thought that Brucie Wayne and Batman being two completely separate entities that Bruce can code switch between has consumed me especially with the idea that he mixes the two together on occasion to fuck with people

~~~~~~~~~

*Batman and Superman searching a dressing room*

Superman: What about this thing, it looks suspicious?

Batman *full Batman voice*: That’s an eyelash curler darling

~~~~~~~~

*OG JLA revealing identities to newbies*

Green Arrow: Your turn Bats, who are you?

Batman having decided to fuck with him walking up to him cocking his hip putting one hand on his chest and in full Brucie Wayne mode: C’mon Ollie-Dollie you know who I am. We dated 💕

Green Arrow (internally): Modem noise

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently revealed identities with Clark and Brucie being at the same party

Brucie: oh howdy 🤠 cowboy, fancy meeting you at this shindig

Clark *flustered* (internally): he can’t be Batman he can’t be Batman he can’t be Batman…

~~~~~~~~~

*Bruce getting a call during a JLA meeting*

Brucie: Oh! hello dear, yes of course I’m coming to your party I’ll see you later 😘

Batman: Our security measures need to be increased due to the number of criminals currently attempting to follow heroes to their base of operations

JLA *experiencing whiplash*: what.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*undercover Brucie and members of the JLA at a party*

Bruce *pretending to be drunk wandering over to the flash*: excuse moi but can I get your attention for just a momento😊

Flash *completely disconnecting Bruce and bats*: yeah uh sure sir are you alright

Batman *quiet but deep Batman voice*: there’s an assassin in the rafters

While I'm sure bad guys in Gotham have learned over time that the Bats don't kill, that even after bashing your teeth in they'll flag down an ambulance or dump you unceremoniously at the ER, it's still a shaky trust.

One that is easily shaken seeing a child wielding a sword in the dead of night; nobody wants to learn how that is handled nonlethally. Or bad guys just surrendering one late night after running into an alley and Nightwing's standing over their unconscious buddy, holding the gun he wrestled away. They watch Red Hood break into the place they're robbing with a crowbar in hand and just decide they'd rather not chance it. They see a shadow that could be Black Bat and-- you get it.