Imagine The Absolute Horror Jason Would Feel Upon Finding Out Tim Had Spent THREE Weeks With The Joker.

Every time I see one of the “Bruce Wayne collects orphans” or “where does Batman get all these children???” jokes, I get this little ping in my head because, yes, it is a good joke, very funny, bonus points if it’s other characters trying and failing to combine Broody McBroodface with Tired DadTM. But also… 

I just can’t shake the conviction that no one is as baffled and bewildered by his ever increasing number of children than Bruce Wayne himself.

Like, this man clearly never intended to be a dad. He is Vengeance and Justice Committed to The Mission. Kids don’t factor into that. And to that point, it’s worth noting that none of his kids were premeditated. At no point has Bruce ever thought “maybe I want a(nother) kid.” They just sorta…happen. And not even in the usual way! (Mostly)

Like, Dick? Bruce wasn’t going “orphan shopping.” He went to the circus to to relax for once in his godforsaken life and wow, would you look at that, a vivid recreation of his own trauma and, oh, who’s this kid Batman keeps running into on patrol, wait, this is the same kid?! Whoops, I guess I’m raising this kid now, Alfred how do you raise a kid!?!

Jason? Yeah, Bruce was just doing his usual Batman thing when he ran into a homeless kid and somehow got too attached. Tim just showed up one day and said, “hi, I’m your kid now, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” (Really. you can’t stop me). Damien basically did the same thing, only with more stabbing. Cass…?? Stephanie????!!

(Bruce googling in the middle of the night: Is it normal to adopt your son’s ex-girlfriend?? Or did she adopt me??? Giving a kid an unlimited credit card and vigilante training counts as adoption, right??)

Point is, these kids just…show up, needing help, and somehow, for reasons that defy all logic, Bruce is the adult best equipped to help them. And yeah, Bruce never intended to adopt a kid (…or seven) and, no, he doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing, but these kids need him so he takes them in and does His Best because he’s the one who can. 

Which is all to say, I think we should see far more conversations re: Finding out Batman has approx. 5 million kids that go like this

Someone: What? Do crime-fighting orphans, just like…crawl out of the woodwork around you? Bruce, exasperated and visibly stressed: yeah, BASICALLY. 

How I’d introduce the Batfamily into the DCU

(This isn’t based on anything, this is my own imagination. I’m not up to date on all the DCU news)

1) The Brave and the Bold (2026)

* Direct follow-up to Superman (2025)

* Clark Kent and Lois Lane learn that kryptonite is being smuggled on the black market. In order to find the source, they follow a lead that takes them to Gotham City.

* Batman has already been established BUT he’s been retired for 3 years.

* The movie is a buddy cop centered on Clark pulling Bruce Wayne out of retirement since he needs help in finding the kryptonite smuggler. The thing is, Bruce is incredibly depressed and has lost his interest in crime-fighting when Clark first meets him. The reason why he is depressed is his character arc in the movie.

* Dynamic: Young, still kind of a rookie Superman working with a veteran, jaded Batman (but not DCEU levels of jaded, he’s more just cranky and sad like Worst Wolverine in Deadpool and Wolverine)

* The reason why Bruce quit being Batman is that his sidekick Robin - Jason Todd - was killed by Joker. Bruce also mentions that his first Robin, Dick Grayson, walked out on him and is now operating as Nightwing in Blüdhaven. There’s also Barbara Gordon aka Batgirl, who checks in on Bruce from time to time. She’s semi-retired from being Batgirl, mainly because she’s also dealing with Jason’s death.

* The kryptonite smuggler and the main villain of the movie turns out to be John Corben / Metallo. He gets beat by Supes and Bats and is sent to prison.

* By the end of the movie, thanks to Superman, Bruce has regained his spark and resumes being Batman full-time. He and Clark become close friends and Bruce gives Clark one of his Bat-Pagers/Bat-Phones if he ever needs his help in the future.

* Post-credit scene: Some kind of Justice League tease

2) Nightwing (2026)

* Nightwing solo movie. We follow Dick during one of his adventures in Bludhaven.

* Barbara Gordon is the deuteragonist.

* Tim Drake is the tritagonist. Tim isn’t Robin yet at this point in the timeline.

* Post-credits: Nightwing decides to return to Gotham in order to hunt down a vigilante known as “Red Hood”.

3) Batman: Under the Red Hood (2027)

* Takes place a few months after “The Brave and the Bold” and “Nightwing”.

* Batman has fully resumed active duty. He is joined by Tim, Batgirl and Nightwing. Nightwing says he’s only in Gotham for the Red Hood and that he’s uninterested in going back to being Robin. That being said, he tells Bruce that he should consider enlisting Tim Drake.

* Red Hood is hunting down the remnants of the Joker gang. He attacks one of their hideouts, knowing full well that the Joker gang members were meeting with Roman Sionis’ gang. Red Hood, viewing everyone inside as a legitimate target, just opens fire. Roman, aka Black Mask, becomes the primary villain of the movie since he wants revenge for what Red Hood did to his minions.

* Plot twist: Red Hood is revealed to be Jason Todd (whoa, bruh, betcha didn’t see that coming!)

* Black Mask puts a hit out on Red Hood as payback for his murdered minions. The Bat gang has to take down both Black Mask since he’s a crime lord who is out for blood and Red Hood since he’s a loose cannon serial killer.

* Black Mask is taken down by the Bat Gang. However, just as Bruce is telling Roman that he should be grateful that he caught him instead of Red Hood, Roman is shot by Jason Todd. Because of this, Jason becomes the primary villain for the last act of the movie.

* Finale is Batman vs. Red Hood. Bruce refuses to fight Jason and only reacts in self-defense. The fight eventually ends in a heart-to-heart in which Jason goes into a rant about how he’s still dealing with the trauma of the Joker incident. Bruce, despite feeling sorry for Jason, says he has to turn him in since he’s killed so many people. Jason says, “Sorry Bruce, prison’s not for me”, then throws a smoke grenade and makes his escape.

* Movie ends with Nightwing returning to Bludhaven (but on better terms with Bruce), Tim Drake becoming the new Robin, Barbara Gordon saying she’ll commit more time in being Batgirl, and Red Hood going after criminals in a different city.

* Post-credits: An imprisoned Joker learns his new therapist is Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

Damian has favorites

Damian absolutely has favorite siblings, he actually goes out of his way to rank them using a method that lets their rank change depending on several different factors.

The first time Dick saw the list he left Gotham for a week to cry because he wasn't even on it and thought Damian was somehow disowning him until Barbara dragged him back to Gotham and made them actually communicate (terrifying, I know.) (It turned out it was just as simple as Dick was that much of a dad to Damian that it genuinely didn't occur to him to lump him in with his siblings)

As of current, the list goes;

Duke

Stephanie

Cass

Jason

Tim

Jarro

The placement of Jason, Cass, Tim and Jarro changes based on what they've done for him that week, how often he's seen them, if they've upset Father or Richard, any failings vigilante-wise, and mainly the idea of 'If they saw this ranking, would I be embarrassed about it?'.

Duke and Steph are permanently in the top two spots, they spots only change depending on how much Damian has seen and talked to them that day.

Patroled with Duke but Steph took him out for milkshakes and to annoy Bruce? Number one spot goes to her.

Duke takes him out for a ride on his motorcycle during his lunch period at school? Number one spot goes to him.

It's very notable that the list dictates his behavior to his siblings. Whoever's in the top spot? He'll let them carry him as if he's a fucked up cat with barely a complaint if they want to. They earned that. Five and below? He is actively pouring sand into their beds.

Steph is vaguely aware of the list but honestly thinks she's near the bottom or something. Tim is hyper-aware of it but doesn't know what the criteria are and keeps getting really competitive trying to get into the top 2 at least once, and he keeps failing miserably.

I just know Gordon internally dies every time someone in the bullpen has some gossip magazine with Batman's highly distinct jawline splashed across a cover or spread.

It's actually funny how humans decided "fuck living in caves with all these creepy crawlies", got out of caves, built houses that have all the nice parts of a cave without any of the yucky parts, and then all the little bugs and spiders and other creepy crawly creatures that used to also live in caves thought "sweet, new and improved caves" and moved right back in with us.

Hiccup is such a dramatic person like hey DAD remember how you said I need to kill like a singular dragon to be cool well what if I killed the biggest fuck off mountain sized dragon and ended a three hundred year war that will stop about 76% of your current problems AND get permenant life insurance in the form of an extremely angry night fury. What if huh??? What if?????

Robin!Dick: I truly believe water can solve all our problems.

Bruce: You think so, chum?

Dick: Mhm. Wanna lose weight? Drink water. Wanna have clear skin? Drink water. Tired of someone?

Dick pauses for dramatic effect.

Bruce, scrunching his brows in moderate confusion: How does drinking—

Dick with the most innocent smile on his face: Drown them

I love how Clark’s entire internal monologue in this scene appears to boil down to, “Don’t drop the baby. Do not drop the baby. Batman will kill you if you drop the baby.”

Source - Batman/Superman: World’s Finest

This is 100% smth Jason would do SPECIFICALLY to fuck with Tim

Jason: *icing cake he baked* Tim: oh, cool. Can I take a picture? That’s really pretty. Jason: uh, sure? Why? Tim: to post it on insta. Jason: *stops icing cake* what’s insta? Tim: Tim: *look of slowly dawning horror* you died. Oh my god you died— Jason: *muttering* I thought we already acknowledged that. You know, quite explosively acknowledged it Tim: *completely speaking over him* DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A SNAPCHAT IS? FUCK— Jason: dude you’re hyperventilating

Dick, texting Wally: hey, patrol kinda boring tonight, do you want to play 20 questions?

Wally: yeah sure man, what's your favorite family meal?

Dick: triangles.

Dick: do you like boys?

Wally: yeah.... I... Came out to you first...

Dick: just checking. You free on Friday?

Wally: yeah?

Dick: good, I'll pick you up at 12. Bye.

Wally: ... Okay but our game? Hello??

Outside of the texts

Dick: I asked him out.

Barbara: saw, you technically didn't but better than you pinning for him all day. Good luck.

Dick: don't need it, I'm Dick Grayson, I got this.

Bruce: oh no, you don't, I said the same thing, you're gonna fail bud.

Dick, looks at Bruce funny: you are bad a pep talks.

Allen-west house hold

Wally: MOMMA HOW DO I KNOW HE ASKED ME OUT OR NOT!?

Iris, from the kitchen: WHAT THE TEXT SAY SWEETHEART?

Wally: IT SAYS "good, I'll pick you up at 12"!

Iris: HE'S TAKING YOU OUT ON A DATE BUT SHY A OUT IT! DRESS CASUAL.

Wally: THANKS MOMMA!

Barry: WHY NOBODY YELLING FOR ME FOR DATING ADVICE!

Wally: BECAUSE MOMMA FLIRTERD WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME AND YOU WERE STUCK IN YOUR OWN HEAD, I NEED HELP NOT MORE PROBLEMS AND QUESTIONS!

Barry:

Barry: FAIR, ALSO WHY ARE YOU YELLING FROM YOUR BEDROOM YOU COULD HAVE SPEED DOWN HERE!

Wally: BECAUSE I'M EMBARRASSED!