Fucking Thieves Using Ai For All The Wrong Fucking Reasons I Hope They Become A Better Person Someday

I love this, I love this, I love this, I-!

This is my favorite kinda thing. Taking accepted canon and asking yourself, "but what if Unreliable Narrator? What if fronting?" Taking fanon interpretations and tilting them sideways a bit, looking at character traits from a different perspective.

And crossovers are just so much damn fun to do this with! The rules of engagement change around. The timeline becomes more of a suggestion. There is resting potential energy in every interaction!

The idea that John Constantine uses his rumpled, chain-smoking, tired lech of a person as a work uniform? Genius. Brilliant. Machiavellian.

Batman's disguise is being stupid. Superman's disguise is glasses. John Constantine's disguise is business casual fatherhood.

I am so excited for more of this! I've not seen this be explored before!

I love love all your writings!!

I like your depictions of John Constantine.

I'd like to see you write the sad trenchcoat persona as just that a persona in the same fashion as how Brucie Wayne is a persona.

Maybe he's been the de-aged Danny/Dannies father for years and is an actual functional adult. The sad trenchcoat is just used to keep people from calling on him to frequently because he's a dad and has dad-like things to do.

He could help tim with the time stream thing, like 'oh, yeah that does look like Bruce. Alright kid pack a bag we're going in the time stream I know a guy. No Nightwing I'm not joking this looks like solid proof'.

Maybe Bruce has a oh shit he's actually competent and could kill me, that's hot moment. (Kids I have found your other father, help me get him home)

"I would love to offer more of my time to waste on monitor duty, but I have a previous engagement. A particular fit lady needs help getting her dress on the floor. The cloth always gets stuck on her horns. " John leers, wagging his eyebrows at the grimaces his words cause.

He takes a puff of his cigarette, inhaling the smoke like a drowning man. He never smokes at home, not with Danny's sensitive lungs or Dani's general disgust at smoking, so he only had the chance when called away on missions.

Plus, Danny was trying out for ballet soon, and he wasn't going to ruin his son's chances of being a star because of his own poor habits.

It helped that the rest of the heroes believed he was consistently pumping nicotine into his system. Rather irresponsible for the hero to publicly commit frowned-upon activities - at least in the States. Back home, no one cared that much.

It didn't matter that the Justice League was a global team; the main hard hitters and founders were nearly all American, and they tended to uphold those social expectations, either subconsciously or not.

One more reason why they shouldn't bother John, he can't have him smoking at a big awards ceremony or seen going through an entire pack of cigarettes mid-fight. Oh no.

John Constantine was one of the best magic users of this universe, but he was a last resort. There were plenty of other magic users like Zatanna, Dr. Fate, Zatara, or even Etrigan that came to mind first.

John was likely too busy drowning his misery in bottles or the arms of any willing partner. That's what they all thought.

Or more importantly than what he wanted them to think.

"Well, this has been a time." He announces, snapping his fingers to open a portal to his house. "But I have to run. My lady needs a knowledgeable hand to help her-"

"Enough," Batman growls. Though he has complete control over his emotions, John can tell he's irritated by the meaningless detail. He smirks as the hero waves a hand, "Just go."

He offers the rest of the meeting room a cheeky two-finger salute as he struts out, letting the portal close behind him so his trench coat flares dramatically. It's a nice view, he's sure, but it's also unnecessarily showy, and he is sure at least three pairs of eyes are rolling at his exit.

A chuckle escapes his mouth, straightening from his slouch to properly stand straight and bend it far enough to pop. Goodness, his act always leaves him with a sore upper back; maybe he shouldn't hunch over so much, even if he was playing the part of a no-good punk.

John only had a few seconds to shiver at his own thoughts- he was a punk. A real one! He was in a band!- before he heard the tell-tell sign of a rapidly approaching double set of footsteps echo down the hall. He scrambles to fling his lit cigarette into a water portal, chucking the pack for double security, while summoning a random suitcase from thin air.

All that's left is his rather eye-catching coat, a little too worn down and old to work well with his well-put-together outfit underneath. Without it, John has a clean, pressed white shirt, a respectful tie, and a pair of slacks that make more than one head turn as he walks.

All in all, he looks like the office businessman his worthless father always wanted to be.

John throws off his coat over a chair at the same time the door is thrown open with a pair of excited yells. "Welcome home, Dad!"

A grin stretched across his face before he could think about it, feeling his heart swell at the sight of them, as he knelt down, arms open wide. Two tiny bodies slam into him without a second of hesitation, nearly knocking John backwards.

He lets out a soft grunt as Dani's arms attempt to wrap around his left arm and right shoulder. She clashes against Danny, who's trying to bury himself into John's right side, little face squished against one of John's pecs, like a bunny burrowing into the snow.

"Hello, my little lambs!" He gushes, squeezing the kids close. "How was your day with the House of Mystery? Did you two behave?"

"They were angels," Black Orchid confirms, gliding into the room at a much slower pace. They had their regular, impassive expression on their faces, but John could tell that Orchid was happy with the kids by the way they gently tapped the tops of the children's black hair.

"Dad! Dad! Now that you're home, can we please go get my new ballet shows?" Danny begs, bouncing on his toes.

For a moment, John doesn't see his son, but rather his own blue eyes staring up at his father, when he was also five, begging to join Lily, the next-door neighbor, in beginners' ballet class.

His father had beaten him nearly to death for wanting such a girly interest. It was the last time they spoke about it. It was also the last time John ever bothered asking to start new hobbies.

"Dad! Dad! Can I do Karate?" Dani asks then, snapping John from his memories better left buried, as she presses her check against her brother's in an attempt to get John's attention. "I want to break a board with my fist!"

He gives the children another squeeze, laughing at the squeals he gets. "Of course you can do karate, little lamb. We're going to get your brother his shoes, and then I'll find a gym that offers the classes at the same time."

"I already provided that service." Orchid cuts in, holding a flyer for Flying Graysons' gym, founded and run by the eldest Wayne in Gotham. "I took the liberty of signing Danny up for a class with Casnadra Wayne, and Dani will join Duke Thomas's class. It starts in a week."

"Plenty of time to go get them everything they need and a new book series for our bedtime stories," John announces, loosening his arms so his children can cheer and bounce up and down in excitement. His knee is starting to cramp up, but he ignores it so he can hold his kids.

It's moments like these, so small and mundane, that John is grateful he thought of his persona. When he first learned how to use the magic he was gifted, he always made himself available for any crisis.

This was before the Justice League days, so anyone who sought him out was familiar with the occult world. He adored helping, and he built an incredible amount of skill and knowledge in magic, but soon John was facing disaster after disaster, dragging his exhausted body from one place to another.

Those who came searching for him never cared. They wanted John to jump at the drop of a hat. He tried for years to always be ready, always be willing, but years of isolation and desperate battles tried him to the core.

Then he took in Danny and Dani, finding the pair of babies in a basket at the feet of the Sarcophagus of Forever Sleep. He had gone to investigate the legends of the famous King Pariah Dark, only to find what he assumed were originally sacrifices, well and truly alive.

Their names were attached to their feet with a letter written by a Jazz Fenton begging the two to grow and live well. She had died to save them. In her honor, John kept their names.

Daniel "Danny" Fenton and Danielle "Dani" Fenton. He often wondered what Jazz had been to the kids, with their identical last names. It is a question he will never get the answer to.

They could have been no older than five months, but when they opened their eyes and reached up for him, John realized he no longer wanted to be the go-to man of magic.

He wanted to be their father.

To discourage people from calling him away from his children, John created his persona of a man barely honorable enough to join a team. Over the five years of his raising his kids, his reputation plummeted until only Batman called to him unless absolutely necessary.

It was a breath of fresh air. John had fought for too long and too hard. He was retired now, just like his band days, the days when John would speed off to save the world were behind him. He only stepped in if a friend asked for a favor.

He had other priorities now.

The best part? The Justice League would never know that.

"Dad!" Dani screamed into his ear, making him grimace.

"Inside voice, darling."

"Sorry." She twirls her fingers, a nervous habit she picked up from John, before brightening up "I'm just super excited. Orichad said Mr. Bruce Wayne will be at the gym! Do you think he'll sign my Wayne Space shirt?"

Ah, yes, the man who was funding some space program or another. He only knew about this because his twins adored anything to do with space travel, as if though he couldn't just teleport them to a different planet.

"I'm sure he will, darling."

Man, sometimes I read a fic where their version of Superman is so flat he couldn't even cause a papercut and the favored characters are all "Superman is the type of person who always thinks he's doing the right thing" and "Superman doesn't accept criticism" and "Superman is a bumbling farm boy hick stupid head" and "the Justice League is a bunch of elitist hacks and their club is only to hype themselves up because narcissism".

And I gotta. Like. Okay? That's a take, I guess. That's an opinion. It always takes me out of the story though, because it's presented as a known fact of the world of the fic despite little to no indication of those truths being reflected in the rest of the fic. It's a weird whiplash and it always leaves me almost ravenously curious as to what influenced this perception.

Sometimes it's explained as an unreliable narrator, sometimes an author's note will shrug off responsibility with "someone has to be the asshole lol", and sometimes it seems to be really and truly genuine and that is fascinating to me. I want to know the why's. I want to take them for coffee and listen to their perspectives. I want to understand.

One of my favorite Batman and Superman team up comics has a pre-jl storyline where they don't trust each other just yet. And because they don't trust each other, they both leap to save the life of a criminal being thrown out a window - they can't be sure the other won't just let this awful person die "accidentally". And because they were both distracted by that, an innocent hostage ran into the street in a panic and was struck and killed by a truck.

It was such a needless death. It was so bullshit and pointless. Both Superman and Batman recognized the need for trust, the need to let themselves be known enough, vulnerable enough, to not have this happen again.

And can y'all imagine how both their stories might have changed if future writers, canon and fanfic alike, kept that character growth in mind?

Jason is the most impregnate-able Bat because we all know by instinct that he'd rearrange his entire life to take care of his kid.

He's not just a Daddy, he's a Father. He would nurture the fuck outta that kid. He would read all the most accredited books, he'd be active on the parenting blogs, he'd be there at the PTA meetings.

Jason would be that special mix of terrified and excited to help this child grow up. He's the parent that a kid won't be too afraid to call when they've done something really stupid and they need help now. He's the parent who will work so hard during arguments to try to say the right thing.

We can all see Jason "Get Him Pregnant" Todd being such a loving dad at every milestone in his kid's life that we can't help but want to give him that kid.

(This message was sponsored by the supporters of @arandomao3user's campaign to get Jason Todd Pregnant.)

If you're looking for stories about adults acting responsibly and with measured calm to world-ending events and who will somehow stop the children who want to fight crime... You should probably go write that book. There's definitely an audience for it.

The rest of us are here to read stories about child heroes facing seemingly insurmountable odds and winning, even if at great cost. We're here for the drama and the crash outs and the moments of peace and the friendships forged from circumstances that none of us will likely ever understand.

They're all stories. Each character is important and exists and it's the way they are so that the story gets told. Each character is moldable and can be changed completely depending on the storyteller, because the story is the important part.

Yoooo! Yes!

When Batman was a wee little character, just a concept still being fleshed out by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, Batman killed people.

Like, with guns, even.

One of the early comics has him straight up acknowledging that he's about to kill innocent madmen who were experimented on at Arkham and turned into monsters, but he had to stop them from killing other innocent people.

Early comics were wild and I am out here so excited to talk about history and the moral panic of the 50s and how legally you couldn't publish a comic that made a criminal sympathetic!

I've got. So many essays. About the Comics Code Authority and its effect on media and culture.

Me, skimming pages of Batman year one and two, with Jaybin: . . . The f#&% you mean Batman has killed before in self defense? •-•

WHAT!!!??? BATMAN HAS KILLED PEOPLE!?!?!? ._.

This... This messed with my character analysis so much.

WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN?!

"I'm glad they're dead!" Careful, Jason, the writers took that singular comment and haven't let it go since.

Also, just shout out to Jaybin for being all cute and >:/ and :D

Wow, I really like that old Batman storyline where a beloved member of the family is killed and everyone is devastated, only for the guy to come back from the dead and return to Gotham, blaming Batman and Robin for his death.

I'm so glad they cured him of his induced psychosis and he rejoined the family with only the occasional relapse into supervillainy.

What? Red Hood who? No, I'm talking about Alfred Pennyworth.

Imagine if, when Bruce figured out that Jason was alive and probably the Red Hood, he put on his Matches Malone fit and started spreading rumors.

"Hood? Aw, yeah, that's The Outsider's grandson. Yeah, him, he retired ages ago. He was a legend, though, right? Really gave the Bats a poundin'. Hey, Outsider's worried about his grandkid, though; thinks there might be someone else pulling the strings, yeah? Kid went missing for awhile, showed back up with all this money, all this tech. The family's worried. Outsider would pay for information. Gotham's gotta protect her own, right? And no one wants ol' Outsider to come outta retirement..."

Jason would be so??? Confused??? And upset??? That the older goons are starting to mention that he should talk to his grandfather??? That they keep mentioning him with hushed tones and respectful whispers? Alfie's worth it, of course, but why do they think he has anything to do with a vanished villain like Outsider?

Like a year ago I mentioned to @asknotbug that I was reading all the "Billy Batson gets adopted into the Bat-family" fics and THEY, THEY told me about the Danny Phantom adoption fics. I held out for like six months but guEsS WhAt I'm ReAdInG nOw?!

Worst of all is that so much of it is really good lmao

Danny Phantom is also super easy to consider as an allegory to being a closeted queer teen in a small Midwestern town. And sometimes it's just about a ghost boy.

Anyway, thanks again @asknotbug, I'm having a great time. May any curses against you fall upon your enemies.

Prompt commission from anon on ko-fi:

“Totally love your idea of Tobi with a baby or toddler :) Could I request for a little comic strip of my favourite pair, MadaTobi with the toddler or baby? Maybe, Mada opinion of Tobi (he’s such a cold hearted bastard) changed when he sees Tobi interacting with a toddler?”

So here we are, Madara a month in coming by the Senju household to make sure the baby isn’t treated badly, or catch Tobirama out being actually bad enough to make a case the baby should be taken from him. That’s not what happens :D Who knew Senju Tobirama could smile, or be silly? Lovely prompt, thank you!

The thing is... The Thing Is...!

The Honorable Chef Gordan Ramsey would immediately lose his shit at this contest because he is a motherfucking Scott! He is British by the technicality of Scotland being part of the United Kingdom.

And legitimately, he doesn't seem to drop curses without genuine cause or for a zingy one-liner.

Honestly, this silly prompt has gotten me updated on my Chef Ramsay lore and I'm just vibing with happiness for him. He's got 6 kids, none of whom seem to be terribly hounded by the press. He and his wife seem to be still very much in love. He's got so many businesses and ventures. He ran the London Marathon once a year for a solid decade.

He almost died while hunting puffins. He almost died again in a bicycle accident. He's extremely active in charity work and a surviver of child abuse and he's just. Yeah. He's worked extremely hard to live the life he's living now and I'm just really happy we - the world - get to know him a little bit.

And also, I'm like, even more craving a Very Special Episode kinda story with DC!Gordan interacting with superheroes. I want to see him being proud of Roy, or talking to Oliver Queen about what it's like to have a loved one with a heroin addiction and the struggle to balance supporting them vs enabling them.

Which of his TV shows could be an excuse to get him to Gotham? Specifically, Park Row. Probably The F Word. Because I really want to see shit go down and Chef Gordan making "we're trapped in an elevator" conversation with a fully kitted-out Red Hood. They're both car guys, it'd be cute to see them chat. Maybe they can swap violent father stories the way Spoiler and Batgirl got to.

I've given enough angst lately. Have something amusing:

Chef Bernard Dowd on Hell's Kitchen.

Imagine it, please. Imagine Tim gripping with bloody hands to the shreds of his self-control, trying not to physically attack Chef Gordan Ramsey for yelling at Bernard for fucking up the risotto.

YES, PERFECTION!

Because damn I have this headcanon about Bruce's being panromantic ace that I'm going to have to write up someday.

And ofc he would speak up to protect one of his kids from the things he's not willing to protect himself from, that's just his default setting. Tim being caught between laughing at the concern and probably a little touched at the concern is also so cute.

And then you bless me with Jason being a little shit out of left field. 100%, no one knew he was in the house. He breaks in at random, calls it haunting.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I think we're friends now

Hot Take: Bruce doesn't support freakyTimBer not because he doesn't like Bernard. It's because Bruce has to pretend to be the freak in all of his civilian relationships to explain away his scars, so he keeps accidentally making his partners think he's into that and then he's too awkward to correct them, and he's worried that Tim's doing the same thing.

This is genius, I love it!!! My original thought process was Bruce just couldn't fathom his babies ever having sex like?? No?? His kids!? Never U_U

But I absolutely adore this so much. You have no idea.

Pre identity reveal shenanigans (aka, before Bernard tells Tim he knows and also Tim is a goof)

—

Bruce, looking at the bruises and obvious bite makes and cuts along Tim's visible neck and arms: . . . So, where'd the, um, new... bruises come from..?

Tim, not even looking up from his laptop: Bernard. Bruce, I told you this already. Don't question any injury I don't put in my reports.

Bruce:

Bruce: You know, if you ever feel... Pressured into things—

Tim, slowly looking up:

Bruce: I understand keeping our identities secret is important more than any one, you know this, but you shouldn't make sacrifices to this degree to keep it in tact—

Tim, moving a hand over his mouth to stop from either laughing or crying, he isn't sure:

Bruce: It's important to... Enjoy yourself with your relationship safely, and consensually. If you feel like you have to do or comply with certain things for Bernard to keep your identity safe... Why are you laughing?

Tim, trying not to laugh: Bruce, I promise, anything Bernard does to me I give full permission to. Enthusiastically, in fact.

Bruce: . . . What?

Jason, from another room, who read 50 Shades Of Gray once when he was fourteen: YOUR SON IS A FREAK WHO BEGS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES FOR HIS BOYFRIEND TO CHOKE HIM OUT, YOU IDIOT!

Tim: HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT!?

Jason, popping his head in: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT!? I DIDN'T KNOW S#&$ BUT NOW I DO WHAT THE F$&%, TIMOTHY!?

Tim: STAY OUT OF MY SEX LIFE!

Jason: I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A SEX LIFE!

Tim: I HOPE THE JOKER BLOWS YOU UP AGAIN!

Jason: I HOPE I'M CREMATED THIS TIME!

Bruce:

Bruce: what

—