Thinking About How Last Year When I Was Genuinely Going Through It Because Of A Situationship And How

i hate acting insane but i’m grounding myself with the fact that this is time to act like it, like yes i can tell the person i like that im only for them yes i can

I AM INSANE

diary of an aging girl #2

When i was younger I felt drawn to the “olden days” and felt very much like an imposter among my peers and looking back at it now it was definitely because of how much of a shy person I was and still am. It is not like I was selectively being shy, it felt and still does feel like this bubble that if I would burst it i’d be offending everyone and also become the stupidest person in the world.

Whatever. So I grew up and realised it was very weird to look back on a time I wasn’t born (the 90s and before) and say how good they were when I didn’t experience it and hadn’t even indulged in the generation I was growing up with.

But but it’s times like these where it does feel like the world is becoming less and less progressive and for people who are minorities AKA my whole identity I feel like it’s okay to look back. I’ve always had like this nagging need to feel what I felt a couple years ago which I am sure everyone has felt and nostalgia is it’s own disease.

But I am looking to the 2010s and some of the 90s where yk for a certain part in a certain place it was blooming with community for dykes and all I can think about is we’re never going to have the same opportunities as the ones before us because of this need to conform to straight people’s standards.

Phones shoved in our faces… what if i don’t want to promote it on insta.. what if i want our communities to bloom w/o social media? is that even possible?

-doaag xx

well. yes!

(1) Pay phone at corner store, (2) Harry Dodge & Silas Howard, (3) Anna Joy, Elitreo, and Asia. San Francisco 1996 by Chloe Sherman

i relate to hannah horvath TOO much and probably lena dunham in general. i’ve been reading her memoir and like just way too many things are similar

i want to take care of a butch lover so much. i want to kiss their arms when they're sore or tired and hold their hands in mine circling heart shapes on their palms. i want to hug their neck and hold their head safe and close to my chest to tuck them away from the noise of their day. i want to gently caress their nape and neck, calling them "darling" and "adored", listening to their worries and whispering back the most softest words. having them sleep on my body, while i keep the warmth of the blanket in check to cover them fully. make them something sweet as they prefer, smooch their lips the moment they're asking what i'm making for them. filling them with "i love you"s at the most random moments and finding incredibly aching to be departing from their closeness even for a moment. because i adore them so deeply. because i constantly want to remind them that they're everything to me.

i’m kind of resenting my friends for being straight.. and not understanding how certain things affect me or how i yearn for people who are similar to me.

how can being shy and reserved be unique and good when you strive for and need community? when you want to make more friends, like minded etc, when you want to be intimate with someone?

i guess it’s good when you don’t want to do those things but I DO. i want to engage with people i want to have control on when i speak which includes speaking not just being quiet.

it actually came the same day lol

and one is too big so now what?

just bought my first s*x toy and i’m petrified if my mom opens my package cause it’s coming tomorrow or that i won’t like it …