I Made The Mistake Of Waiting Too Long To Make The Decision And My Body Decided To Unleashed Every Denied

sjp.columbia: Having to constantly post graphic images of mutilated and dead Palestinian bodies in order to prove Palestinian suffering has made us realize the extent to which this racist dehumanization persists — where even thousands of pictures of dead Palestinian children are not enough for the Western world to step up and condemn genocide. This photo of Sidra Hassouna has been haunting us since we saw it upon the Israeli bombardment of Rafah.

It is hard to adequately express the whiplash we face when people complain about protests inconveniencing them when, just an hour before a protest, we are staring at these images. We often wonder if everyone is seeing the same news as us. How is it possible to view an image like this and continue to stay silent?

Say her name. Palestinians are not collateral damage. Palestinians are not numbers. Palestinians are humans who deserve to live, dream, and laugh. Rest in peace, Sidra Hassouna.

La hawla wa la quata illa billah

I'll get called a fat fucking bastard for saying this anywhere but in mentally ill/Neurodivergent spaces, but water. Water is so goddamn tasty when it's right. A glass of iced tap water (when it's safe) is fantastic.

Bottled water is entirely different. Purified with minerals tastes like electrified plastic and static. Spring water tastes like literal heaven. It tastes how water in ads looks.

billford animatic i made to the song 'confrontation'! ^^

This. This perfectly describes what I've been experiencing lately. I have now clue why exactly it's happening.

I've looked into getting an autism diagnosis, but I'd have to keep my job, but my job is what's causing issues, but I need the job to get the- it's a cycle. And this isn't really new. It happened every year in school. I'd start off with a semi-decent amount of energy, but I'd usually run out of steam and be unable to get it back. Some year, I started with no steam and just struggled from the jump. I'd never have energy for chores or really anything. It's the same now. I have thought about crashing the car or doing other drastic things to avoid it. It sucks so much.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do as an alternative? The typical workplace isn't for me, so now what?

Why is it so fucking expensive to seek an adult autism diagnosis? I know there’s more going on with me than just my adhd. I’ve never seen anyone else with adhd that struggles quite to the extent that I am. I can’t seem to handle very basic, everyday things without getting overwhelmed. I burn out so easily to the point that my ability to function decreases even more.

For example, everyone has to work. Lots of people with adhd also manage to work, even if they end up job hopping a lot. Even when I had medication, it was like I still couldn’t handle the stress. I would have a whole breakdown every day before work, literally thinking about harming myself or wrecking my car intentionally to avoid having to be there, feeling this crushing dread, anger, exhaustion, the negative thought spirals throughout the day, getting off or ending the week and not even being able to relax or enjoy yourself because the knowledge that you have to go back so soon is looming over you. Not being able to sleep because of the crushing dread of knowing you have to wake up and get back on that metaphorical treadmill, having nightmares about it when you do sleep.

Obviously the easy answer would be to simply get a different job, but the thing is that this has been every job I’ve ever had…and I’ve had a LOT of them. It isn’t just the work, though that feeling of not doing something that feels meaningful is definitely soul-crushing, but no, instead it’s the stress of pushing past a severe level of executive function until I no longer can and I begin to make mistake after mistake. It’s the draining exhaustion of seeing the same people and being forced into the same small talk. It’s not having any energy left to clean my house, cook, have a life, or pursue my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s feeling trapped in a schedule that doesn’t work with my needs or energy levels and eventually turns me into a shell of my former self. It’s knowing that each time I get fired and have that time to recover before being forced to re-enter the world that I never fully get back to what I once was. I lose a piece of myself and my ability to function lessens each time.

It’s frustrating because it’s like if I could just manage to work and keep working full time long enough, I could get insurance and get assessed, because I know deep down I’m on the spectrum…but I’ve gotten fired before that happens each time. It’s like I’m trapped in this cycle of not functioning well without support but not having the resources to seek a diagnosis so that I can get support. I feel like the system has failed me and like I’ve slipped through the cracks. It’s hard to have much hope because everyone always tells people that you have to help yourself or change what you don’t like, but it’s like I’m literally unable to get to the point where I can even do that.

do you promise to tell me every single time you have even a slight problem with anything I say or you find me even a little bit annoying or I hurt you or cause you to feel any even slight negative emotion or I ever do something that makes you love me a little bit less and do you promise to not pull your punches and really rip into me and say exactly how you feel about me even if it’s not really a big deal to you

I hate when some "Chosen one" stuff happens in a dream right before I wake up and happens to be connected to the real world.

Like the other day, I was sleeping because I had to work that night. I see nothing but I hear a deep, disembodied voice say something like "Even the youngest Gods may have trouble managing their planets. You should help them."

I wake up and my cousin (a toddler) is screaming because she woke up from her nap and doesn't know what's going on. She doesn't know how to regulate emotions. She needs help managing her planets.

eldest daughter

your round cheeks, a smile all baby teeth before you wore glasses, you looked just like me you spoke in little whispers, so gentle and sweet i taught you letters, excited for you to read

i cannot forget how little you were, so small but you grew so fast and you got tall enough for rollercoasters and water slides old enough for movies and motorcycle rides

old enough to be beat till you sobbed for mercy older and wronged, shivering in fury older still and afraid, running faster than tears this is how i began to fear it still haunts me after all these years

so i shush you when you cry so i threaten when you fight so i stayed awake at night so i learned how we survive

hush little baby, don’t say a word mama might come, but i got here first i know you’re scared, i know it hurts but if she comes, it will hurt worse

i age too fast, but still too slow to keep you safe from every blow i failed so i pray you hold your own

but when i beg forgiveness, you say what for you only know peacetime, never war i think i’m glad you don’t remember all

the bloodshed and the slaughter let it die with the eldest daughter

do you guys ever feel like an outcast even in a group full of outcasts. like i'm autistic and even in groups full of neurodivergent people i'm still excluded sometimes. i don't understand why

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