Working, Regardless Of Industry, Can Be Hard If You're Like Me. They Expect Both Speed AND Accuracy.

God they cut off all the internet and cellular networks in Gaza

Tw: vent

I got played and I feel kinda stupid now. I wasted a year and a half that I'll never get back.

It was my first relationship and I had to finally end it after he ruined my fun on my birthday and made me cry. I saw the red flags every step of the way, but he got upset everytime I got a little suspicious of what he was doing or how he was treating me.

He tried to get me to trust him as quickly as possible, and I kind of felt like he was manipulating me the whole time, but he kept reassuring me that he wasn't like the people who'd done it to me before.

I kept giving him chances, though. I didn't want my parents to be right about me being naive and him being a douche, because I knew I would be the butt of so many jokes. I just wanted to protect myself from pain and shame, but it just led to me taking shots from every possible angle.

I couldn't even ask them for relationship advice, because I felt like I couldn't tell them about it.

"You can tell us anything. If you need help, just ask."

I learned the hard way that I should tell them as little as possible, so I just kind of had to deal with this alone for the most part. I only know maybe one person I could talk to about it, but neither of us had ever had partners before so there wasn't much that could be done, other than giving an unbiased opinion and moral support.

I just feel so stupid after being gaslit for so long. It should've been so much easier to break away. I can spot gaslighting so easily since I've been experiencing it for so long, but he kept making excuses and either talking his way out of it or ignoring me for days on end.

A year and a half and I know very little about him.

He proposed to me in a discord call last August.

Maybe I was right from the start. Maybe it really was too good to be true and he never actually cared that much about me.

I found this camera on the subway and look what was inside...

Why is it so hard to function as an adult?

I literally just want to be able to have some money and enjoy my life, but no. My job is too hard for me, and I'm bending over backwards to find a better one.

The problem comes in with why my job is too hard. Not only is it a very physically demanding job (I am not in shape, or used to doing a lot of physical labor), it also requires speed AND accuracy. I have trouble with both of those things, and it sucks.

I want to find another job, but most jobs have the same requirements, or require a degree, which I don't have. Those swedish artists need to hurry up with their "clock in at the train station and get paid to do whatever you want all day" project. Until then, I just want to be able to work as an artist. My drawing tablet comes in Friday, but I don't have time to do commissions or improve my art enough to even ask for a decent amount of money for commissions.

"oh you have an allergy? sorry I harassed you for being a picky eater, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a picky eater, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you have chronic pain? sorry I harassed you for being lazy, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a lazy person, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you're autistic? sorry I harassed you for being weird, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a weird person, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you're deaf? sorry I harassed you for ignoring me, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. you're just not actually a rude person, I still get to harass those people"

"man why does everything have to be a disorder now? I miss the old days when people would TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for being failures and it was socially exceptable for me to harass them, now I look like a jerk when I bully people for annoying me."

The conflicting feeling has returned.

You've been terrible to me and I want you to face consequences.

But you're in danger and I don't want anything awful happening to you.

But you've done so much to hurt me over the years.

But you've also done so much to help me.

You were apathetic towards my plight and my cries often fell on deaf ears.

I would help you if I could but my untreated and undiagnosed disorders and years of abuse have led me to a terrible mental state and I have no funds to help you.

My abuser needs to go to the hospital. They refuse. Their ailment could get worse. I have no car, nor license, nor insurance, nor funds and I cannot help them.

I would like to show just the smallest bit of mercy to my abuser, despite how often they refused to show me even a grain of it, but we are both helpless for the time being....

Sometimes, I don't want to heal. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to myself. I know what they've done, and the damage will never be fully healed. It almost scares me to think that I might forget or become numb to it. As long as the wounds stay open, and I still feel the burning pain, it's real. I can't trick myself into thinking it's not.

There are other times when I don't want to heal because people might not believe me. I've already plenty who don't, but it would be so much worse if someone saw evidence of my trauma but didn't believe me because the rest of my personality and coping mechanisms seem normal. If I stay broken, the smaller cracks are less noticable, and they're easier to explain. Obviously, a shattered window is going to have both big and small cracks and might even be missing some pieces.

Sometimes healing just doesn't seem worth it because I feel like my life should be perfect once I'm past that point. People have it worse, and the worst is behind me, so I have no right to be this way.

I don't know. I'm not sure I want to heal

How is bnha anime of the decade...... they aren’t even anime of the hour of the minute of the second

Well obviously I can’t have chronic fatigue, that’s a real problem for real disabled people that’s diagnosed by doctors probably. Clearly I just have some sort of perpetual exhaustion issue, that is also almost certainly my fault somehow