Dearftrme - Dear Universe

Anguish.

Vicious. Demeaning. Sweet. Dotty. Antonyms that, to the average person, are simply words. The reflection of every mirror of who you are speaks to me differently. To say we suffered equal amounts is laughable. You spent your nights crying. You spent your nights in fury, pensive. I held you when allowed to, waited when you left. Soaked in every insult, every complaint. I drank the poison poured for me, to forget my miserable existence. I used devices that my parents put out on me, smoke filling my lungs and spilling through my eyes. Refusal to breathe, not as if you'd let me up anyways. I suffered in silence as your screams of betrayal echoed the halls. You displayed every knife on a wall of shame, I had to hide the fact I was bleeding. Are you aware that you dug this mess?

Several months I held you. Waiting for the truth, waiting for you to tell me the truth. Your sheer refusal, you're adamant on your innocence when everything you've touched has been tainted. You've damaged everything good that has come close to you, clawing at salvation. Praying to a God you mocked me for believing in. I prayed for my freedom, I prayed for the truth. I prayed that I wouldn't die by your hands. You have mocked my existence, and yet whispers of your crimes still linger these walls. Are you aware that those you consider close to you, don't hold you as close as you hold them?

I turn a blind eye to those you are currently hurting, guilty conscious keeping me up at night. You're in a similar boat, I can tell. You are falling apart. I waited several months quietly, waiting for you to tell me the truth. To confide in me as you said you would. You never did. You never threw a ball for me to swing at, and then call me a bad batter. All I wanted was to cater to your beck and call. Myself destroyed, it wouldn't have mattered because you'd be happy. Why was what I did for you something that made you happiest this year?

Where were you when I was soaking the carpet with salty veins of water? Where were you when I begged for the mercy of a higher being, for a listening ear? You can sit there and say I didn't do much for you, and yet the marks of your nails of desperation scar my thighs and back. I showed my all to you, revenge and forgiveness. Forget and cleanslates. Nothing was enough for you. An overwhelming need to be a king that you aren't. The chambers of your terrifying childhood never let you out, blinded by the fear instilled by the ones you were supposed to trust. Why must you mock every person I care for? Are you infuriated that they are loyal to me, with no one in your own corner?

I'm sorry they let you down. You have no reason to pray on the younger beings we are destined to protect, with the excuse of "I went through it too", however. May whatever being controls this sad life leads you to some sort of saving grace, for I can not help you. May it have mercy on your soul. You disgust me. I used to beg for some sort of solace. Now, I'm going to lead with justice. Are you ready?

Longing

The way my eyes trail you.

You're gorgeous- stunning, ravishing,

in ways that I never knew possible.

The curly frizz that entangles in ones vision,

the black hues that drip from your head.

The lights reflect on cracked glass, yet enabling sight regardless

nonsensical, nothing about this is pieced together

the way you throw your head back as you laugh, then cover your mouth

hiding away crooked smiles, teeth shifted awkwardly

an offense to the saying "a sight for sore eyes",

yet I drink you up like you're water.

I'm a man in the desert oasis, surrounded by everything Ill ever need and want.

And yet I long for the scorching sun that you provided.

It's been eons since I've last seen the light.

Do your eyes linger on me, too? The way my multi-colored hair sits on my shoulders,

I want it cut again, I want to cut again.

The way my shirt travels just a bit up, leaving much to the imagination.

Compared to sunshine, I find myself hollow of light.

I give and I give and I give, but I miss having you take.

The things I'd do to have you in my life again.

You keep your head down, I keep my head up.

Do you sense what I sense, or am I lost in the sea of sand?

Delusional, hallucinatory, craving something that I have an abundance of.

Craving you, in its wake.

I long for your arms around me again.

The warmth, sweetness you provided me.

Faux, artificial, disgusting and allergenic

But sweet regardless.

Do not be mistaken, every display is reflection of who I am

Who I've always wanted to be.

But it would be nice, to share that sincerity with you.

If that's what you longed for.

Me telling my friends not to tell him it was me. Not because I think he'd be weirded out. I don't care about what he thinks about me. But because, for once in a very long time, he seems happy. Happy that someone cares. Happy that he received something so miniscule, but he needed it. I don't know if he knows that it's me but, I like it when he's happy. His joy is infectious and I can still feel my heart swell when he's like that. It's no secret that I've always admired him. I would do anything in my power to ensure his happiness. Maybe it's fake, maybe it's real. But it's infectious regardless. I don't care about anything else. I just want him happy.

reblog if it's okay for your mutuals to message you and create an actual friendship, not just interactions

Self-reminder

You know how tumblr @staff post lots of tumblr artwork like every week. Well i think they should set a day or two aside for the writers of tumblr.

hello Tumblr user,

petting you petting you petting you petting you I'm petting you petting you

I relate to this so badly.

When I first found out I had DID, it was like a revolving door of alters. Almost everyone would front within a two or three day period. Now the switches are a lot more stable and longer.

Suddenly the little who used to front all the time has fronted maybe like once for maybe an hour in the last two months. The old two main fronters aren't fronting at all, only really me (Klause) and sometimes Winter.

But idk. Maybe it is happening and I'm just not remembering it.

babygirl I'm bothered by noises you wouldn't even hear