I Hold Resentment Deep In My Chest And It Eats Me From The Inside Out

Ouhhh ouhhh ouhhh

Keeping secrets sucks

when sylvia plath said, “i need a father, i need a mother, i need some older wiser being to talk to. i talk to god but the sky is empty.” and when oscar wilde said, “a burnt child loves the fire.” and when frank bidart said, “memory is punishment.” and when

Yearning for what I can’t have. Premature and doomed.

am i too much or not enough? because i feel like i only ever seem to be one of the two.

i feel like i’m subpar in everything in every way; and i know that almost every person on this damned earth feels the same,

but i can’t seem to shake the feeling—or belief rather—that at the end of everything there’s nothing.

at the end of everything all i have is me. and i guess that’s a reality i have to accept. it is true for everyone that we only have ourselves at the end of the day, but i’m so scared that no matter what i'll always end up alone

I have seen very few movies that are able to display grief so despairingly accurate, and as beautifully as Aftersun. And the most incredible part, is that all of the emotions and experiences the movie centers around remain unspoken, yet are blindingly prominent. After doing a google search or two, I discovered that Aftersun was based on the director, Charlotte Wells’ life, and that allowed me to see this movie in a different light; especially considering her father passed when she was sixteen, and I lost my father at fifteen.

While the movie never makes it explicitly clear what happens to Calum at the end, we can assume the vacation with Sofie was the last time she saw her father. Especially considering the ending, with the song “Under Pressure” playing in background while Sofie and Calum dance. I would also like to point out that towards the end of the dance, David Bowie’s part comes to an end with the lyrics, “this is our last dance” repeating while the scene fades out. While we don’t see anything explicitly sinister on screen, there are persistent undertones of dread and melancholy, as well as innocence and nostalgia.

This movie is nothing short of heartbreaking, yet it is also remarkably beautiful. The cinematography captures the world through the eyes of a child perfectly, and every single shot is so thought out and human. Because of how intimate the cinematography is, it feels like the audience is in Sofie’s memories as well. I love how this movie walks you through the dynamic of Sofie and Calum’s relationship not only emotionally, but visually as well. Despite Calum’s mistakes, his love for his daughter never needed to be questioned. Though, we can infer that Calum feels guilty for Sofie’s emotional turmoil. In the scene where Sofie is laying on the bed describing what sounds like symptoms of depression, she asks Calum if he feels the same way, the camera returns to the bathroom where we then see Calum spit in the mirror. That scene reminded me of my own father, and the subtle nod to Calum’s guilt was absolutely incredible. Not to mention both actors, Paul Mescal and Frankie Corio were nothing short of incredible. Their performance felt so incredibly real.

Aftersun felt like a dream in the best and worst ways possible. An unspoken longing for the past, and the persistent grief and depression that follows. This movie genuinely holds such a special place in my heart. Absolutely magnificent.

julianradwildlife

it's eating away at me Ngl

I wish my friends knew just how beautiful they are

No one was harmed in the making of this moment