I Am So Jealous Of Those Who Have Hope. I Am So Envious Of Those Who Continue To Search For Light When

isn’t it kind of awesome how we are all still learning and isn’t it kind of terrible how we’ll never completely figure our shit out

It makes me so insanely pissed that people care

I know it sounds stupid and self loathing and it is

But I don’t understand why people still stay with me despite how fucked up and neurotic I am

I feel like I do nothing except make my problems other peoples burden

Take this stupid fucking account for example

All I do is bitch and whine

I’m sorry you have to be around someone like me

I’m sorry that I hate myself so much that it bleeds out of me in every way possible

I wish I was different so bad

I wish I could be a better friend

I wish I could be a better brother

I wish I could of been a better son

I wish they didn’t die only knowing me as their daughter

I’m sorry that this is such a big part of me

I’m sorry none of this makes sense

I am in so much pain

Tried to make a post about how much Christmas sucks, but it was mostly incoherent, so instead I’ll post the cliff notes version:

Having no parents on Christmas sucks. Having PTSD on Christmas sucks. Living with my aunt and uncle who make me feel on edge all the time because of how unpredictable their tempers are sucks. Spending Christmas with them sucks even more.

love. love hard. love softly. love first. love last (even if you might regret it). love loudly. love quietly. love less (only when you have to). love more. love desperately. love carelessly. love openly. love behind closed doors. love your friends. love your family. love your lovers. love your pets. love the sky. love the moon and the stars. love sunshine and the flowers. it doesn’t matter what you do, just be in love with it. it’s what we’re born to do.

a belief i hold with fervor is that there is no collective “best” of anything, it’s all objective.

obviously some things can be measured by their success, or efficiency, or attraction, but the idea of greatness, or first place, is completely objective. everyone will hold different things to different standards.

i say all of this because i think most people who love believe that their love interests are the most divine humans on the planet, and i don’t think they’re wrong.

i think a bunch of people can be the most divine people on the planet if they’re just considered the “most” divine by one person, because love has no rules and we’re all in our own conscience anyway.

moral of the story is that everything and everyone is uniquely significant and loved among every individual and i think that’s beautiful, and if something is “the best” to you then it just is the best. because it’s you, and your life type shit

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING BRAVE! I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF SURVIVING! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? AM I BEING TOO QUIET OR HAS MY WHINING BEGAN TO SOUND LIKE WHITE NOISE? I AM TIRED OF BEING BRAVE. I AM TIRED OF FEELING INHUMAN AND CALLING IT SURVIVAL. I AM TIRED OF BEING BRAVE. DID YOU HEAR ME? CAN YOU?

smoked the type of weed that makes you accept that there will always be beauty and pain in everything, and the only thing you can do about it is welcome their co-existence

Did a tarot reading the other day and it basically said my love life is doomed. I know at the end of the day it’s just cards but there was this one part that hurt me so bad I haven’t stopped thinking about it. When I pulled for the far future it said that if I have a family it will be doomed and I will repeat the same patterns my parents did.

I don’t know why it’s stuck in my head. It’s such a silly thing to get emotional over. But what if I do want a family and I just end up hurting them? What if I build a life just for it to crumble because of my self destructive tendencies? I come from a long line of people who didn’t know how to love each other, why would I be any different?

I feel like there is absolutely nothing in store for me.