My Eyes Sting From Crying I Just Want To Sleep

Happy posting on the Blr?!!??!?

i wish i found what i was looking for that day.

i always forget how much of a hell getting up in the morning during the cold months is until im trying to get dressed taking frost damage like ough augh ugha oagh uagh

front yard

I don’t even have words for what is going on inside me anymore. Sore? Exhausted? Worn? Helpless? I don’t know. I just know whatever I’m feeling is too much to bear on my own. I feel like an omen, I feel like I hold everyone back, and I know by expressing these feelings it creates some sort of truth within them, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I am feeling so much, and I feel like I’m nothing but a liability. I feel like everything I say just makes things infinitely worse.

What is my deal

I live for passion bro

Genuinely I love the art of passion with my whole heart. To love, or be so devoted to something that is makes your whole body light up with the spur of the soul, is so intimate and so, so beautiful.

For a long time I thought passion lied in romantic relationships, but as I grow older I realize that it is so much bigger than that. Romance is not even in the forefront of my passion. However, I do love passionately. I love my friends, I love my family, I love the arts, and I love them so, so intensely. My drive for life is simply my passion for connection, and learning more about myself and the world around me.

I love everything I think. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to do so.

My friends gift to me a glimmer of hope occasionally; and when they do, all I can think about is how badly I want to see and know the adult versions of them. I think about how nice it would be to have an extra room, or maybe a pullout couch, at the disposal of any friend looking for a warm bed and an ear to listen. I think about them coming to my house just to ask for a cigarette, and to talk about their troubles while we sit on the porch. I think about how I’ll attend (and cry at) their weddings, and I think about how I’ll be with them through messy breakups, and all the inbetweens. I think about how I’ll have their favorite snacks in my cupboard, and how I’ll make sure there’s always an extra toothbrush for them. I think about how I’ll have toys stored away for their potential kids when they visit, and I think about how I’ll get to watch all of us grow up.

I often times think the only thing stopping me from ending it is fear, but I think a little harder about the people I love, and suddenly it feels like my heart is trying to claw through my chest, and grasp onto any hope for the future.

I want to be there to love those around me until I can no longer leave my bed, and my last breaths are be spent cherishing their names.

just finished watching honey boy and what the fuck. all i did was cry for the last 30 minutes of that movie. i don’t think i’ve ever watched a movie that horrifically, yet beautifully relatable.

Wish I could be committed to literally anything