I Hate Almost Everything About Myself I Just Wish I Was Normal I Don’t Want To Be Seen I Don’t Want

At my birthday party I got a little too high at some point, and I was sitting on the couch while everyone else was on the floor of the living room and I felt so lonely. I don’t know why, my friends didn’t do anything wrong, but I was hit with such a profound wave of grief.

It’s like my body realized I was growing up.

One thing about me is I see my memories very vividly, and certain emotions trigger specific memories, and they play in my head like personalized films. When this weird isolating grief hit me, I saw this like montage of previous birthdays from when I was a kid, and I saw the town I grew up in, and the way it used to be. Parents calling for me, missing teeth, grass stained knees, sun kissed shoulders from swimming, blowing out candles, everything. It was a lot. And I wished I was somewhere else for a moment, but I wasn’t exactly sure where I wanted to be instead.

Idk if this makes sense but I really did have a lovely birthday, these things just creep up

Does anyone else feel like they can’t have a conversation without making the person uncomfortable at some point because you lowkey make everything sad

Top surgery recovery has involved an onslaught of emotions that I'm still figuring out how to express, but this grief was not something I anticipated would be part of it.

i'm so tired of having to survive and never being afforded the privilege of living. i'm tired of people feeling bad for me. i'm tired of taking up so much goddamn space. i'm tired of my body. i'm tired of the endless grief. i'm tired of the persistent emptiness. and i'm tired of being stuck in the past.

so many ideas and i’m always too tired to act on them.

l don’t know much but i do know that i’m losing

Liability is my middle name!

Maybe you’re wishing for the wrong things.

Wish I could post about something happier but unfortunately my mind is riddled with The Memories

I’ve lost so much of my fervor for life in such a short amount of time, and I was already grasping at straws for hope.

I find myself feeling so devastatingly numb and defeated, and if I don’t feel anything, I feel everything that’s wrong with me. Something happened these past few weeks, something set off something inside of me, but I have no idea what could have caused this.

I still love those around me, I will to the grave, however I am so exhausted. I’m trying so hard, and I’ve completely given up at the same time.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

What I’d give to feel anything but this

I’m waiting for a savior that will never come

I wish Jesus was real so badly

I live for passion bro

Genuinely I love the art of passion with my whole heart. To love, or be so devoted to something that is makes your whole body light up with the spur of the soul, is so intimate and so, so beautiful.

For a long time I thought passion lied in romantic relationships, but as I grow older I realize that it is so much bigger than that. Romance is not even in the forefront of my passion. However, I do love passionately. I love my friends, I love my family, I love the arts, and I love them so, so intensely. My drive for life is simply my passion for connection, and learning more about myself and the world around me.

I love everything I think. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to do so.