Recently I’ve Been Feeling So Off, And It’s Really Starting To Weigh On Me. I Know A Lot, If Not
Recently I’ve been feeling so off, and it’s really starting to weigh on me. I know a lot, if not most, of my symptoms are caused by my own bad habits, but I just can’t stop giving into the facade of safety in familiar distractions.
The part that’s affecting me the most is the fact I have just not been able to feel anything for like. Days now. And I am usually a lot more neurotic, but I have just not been able to feel much of anything at all lately, and I’m not gonna lie it’s kind of scary. And the worst result of this apathy, is the fact that I seem to have nothing to say lately. I just feel so much less lively than usual. It’s harder to start and continue conversations with my friends, when I love talking to them more than anyone else, and I feel so because of it. I think I’m able to conceal it relatively well, at least I hope so, but I don’t know. This post also kind of negates the whole secret thing.
This is kind of stupid, I just didn’t have much to say when talking to some friends earlier and it made me sad. I feel so numb Aughh Aughh
More Posts from Countthefighters and Others
Wish I could post about something happier but unfortunately my mind is riddled with The Memories
My friends gift to me a glimmer of hope occasionally; and when they do, all I can think about is how badly I want to see and know the adult versions of them. I think about how nice it would be to have an extra room, or maybe a pullout couch, at the disposal of any friend looking for a warm bed and an ear to listen. I think about them coming to my house just to ask for a cigarette, and to talk about their troubles while we sit on the porch. I think about how I’ll attend (and cry at) their weddings, and I think about how I’ll be with them through messy breakups, and all the inbetweens. I think about how I’ll have their favorite snacks in my cupboard, and how I’ll make sure there’s always an extra toothbrush for them. I think about how I’ll have toys stored away for their potential kids when they visit, and I think about how I’ll get to watch all of us grow up.
I often times think the only thing stopping me from ending it is fear, but I think a little harder about the people I love, and suddenly it feels like my heart is trying to claw through my chest, and grasp onto any hope for the future.
I want to be there to love those around me until I can no longer leave my bed, and my last breaths are be spent cherishing their names.
I don’t know what to do I’m so scared of everything
“there is nothing here please go away”
David Lynch
I transitioned from a girl whose lips couldn't move fast enough. to a boy who the dance floor didn't love
Värmland, Sweden (December 22, 2023).
