I Love My Friends So Much!!!

this dude. i feel the emptiness of my friend’s absence after every hangout and it cripples me. or something

googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much

What have I become

basically everything i’ve been feeling

Goatsong, Leila Chatti

smoked the type of weed that makes you accept that there will always be beauty and pain in everything, and the only thing you can do about it is welcome their co-existence

At my birthday party I got a little too high at some point, and I was sitting on the couch while everyone else was on the floor of the living room and I felt so lonely. I don’t know why, my friends didn’t do anything wrong, but I was hit with such a profound wave of grief.

It’s like my body realized I was growing up.

One thing about me is I see my memories very vividly, and certain emotions trigger specific memories, and they play in my head like personalized films. When this weird isolating grief hit me, I saw this like montage of previous birthdays from when I was a kid, and I saw the town I grew up in, and the way it used to be. Parents calling for me, missing teeth, grass stained knees, sun kissed shoulders from swimming, blowing out candles, everything. It was a lot. And I wished I was somewhere else for a moment, but I wasn’t exactly sure where I wanted to be instead.

Idk if this makes sense but I really did have a lovely birthday, these things just creep up

front yard

I’ll drink myself to death inside this prison cell

i always forget how much of a hell getting up in the morning during the cold months is until im trying to get dressed taking frost damage like ough augh ugha oagh uagh

I’ve lost so much of my fervor for life in such a short amount of time, and I was already grasping at straws for hope.

I find myself feeling so devastatingly numb and defeated, and if I don’t feel anything, I feel everything that’s wrong with me. Something happened these past few weeks, something set off something inside of me, but I have no idea what could have caused this.

I still love those around me, I will to the grave, however I am so exhausted. I’m trying so hard, and I’ve completely given up at the same time.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

What I’d give to feel anything but this

I’m waiting for a savior that will never come

I wish Jesus was real so badly

I live for passion bro

Genuinely I love the art of passion with my whole heart. To love, or be so devoted to something that is makes your whole body light up with the spur of the soul, is so intimate and so, so beautiful.

For a long time I thought passion lied in romantic relationships, but as I grow older I realize that it is so much bigger than that. Romance is not even in the forefront of my passion. However, I do love passionately. I love my friends, I love my family, I love the arts, and I love them so, so intensely. My drive for life is simply my passion for connection, and learning more about myself and the world around me.

I love everything I think. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to do so.

i am being too much and i am scared and i have never wanted to pull away more in my life. i know it’s just self sabotage but i’m so so scared