“No-one Will Love You Exactly The Way You Want Them To. You Just Have To Let Them Do Their Best.”

It’s getting bad again

My stomach is sick this feeling is back and last years patterns are haunting me

be kind to yourself ♡

an ode to the rockies

cold damp tree bark

contrasting fixed moss

broken down cabins

and cold lone walks

wet rotted wood

and black fire smoke

slanted tree lines

mountains of snow

i cry to the wind blowing

i cry at the absence of rain

little bear cub unknowing

the reality of the vain

silent dew drops tell

the ancient tales of fallen rain

snow topped trees

whisper secrets

through the crystalized brain

the serenity of the scenery

claws at me with unrelenting fists

“will it ever be more beautiful than this?”

so insanely fucked up that i have to spend the rest of my life working like. ten times as hard to function as a normal person because of shit that wasn't my fault. wdym i have to spend the rest of my life medicated and in therapy just because my parents were mean to me and then died?????????????? like at what point is that shit worth it because i'm medicated and going to therapy and i still have absolutely zero hope for myself. nothing has changed except the fact that everything has gotten progressively worse and it's my fault but i don't know how to end the cycle i genuinely can't take this

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

november. i am home. i belong here, in november. my self coalesces with the fog, the grey skies, the cold air. and i am home.

feeling like people do not like me as much i as i think they do

i know if you don’t like yourself is manifests and blah blah blah

but it just kind of feels like my self hatred is a stab wound and i can’t stop the bleeding and everyone around me has to wipe up the blood and i just watch as it stains their clothes and it feels like i’m frozen

whatever i don’t know i’m sure it’s not nowhere near as deep as i’m making it

i just wish i wasn’t the one initiating almost everything in my relationships

just got rick rolled in the big ‘25

I have seen very few movies that are able to display grief so despairingly accurate, and as beautifully as Aftersun. And the most incredible part, is that all of the emotions and experiences the movie centers around remain unspoken, yet are blindingly prominent. After doing a google search or two, I discovered that Aftersun was based on the director, Charlotte Wells’ life, and that allowed me to see this movie in a different light; especially considering her father passed when she was sixteen, and I lost my father at fifteen.

While the movie never makes it explicitly clear what happens to Calum at the end, we can assume the vacation with Sofie was the last time she saw her father. Especially considering the ending, with the song “Under Pressure” playing in background while Sofie and Calum dance. I would also like to point out that towards the end of the dance, David Bowie’s part comes to an end with the lyrics, “this is our last dance” repeating while the scene fades out. While we don’t see anything explicitly sinister on screen, there are persistent undertones of dread and melancholy, as well as innocence and nostalgia.

This movie is nothing short of heartbreaking, yet it is also remarkably beautiful. The cinematography captures the world through the eyes of a child perfectly, and every single shot is so thought out and human. Because of how intimate the cinematography is, it feels like the audience is in Sofie’s memories as well. I love how this movie walks you through the dynamic of Sofie and Calum’s relationship not only emotionally, but visually as well. Despite Calum’s mistakes, his love for his daughter never needed to be questioned. Though, we can infer that Calum feels guilty for Sofie’s emotional turmoil. In the scene where Sofie is laying on the bed describing what sounds like symptoms of depression, she asks Calum if he feels the same way, the camera returns to the bathroom where we then see Calum spit in the mirror. That scene reminded me of my own father, and the subtle nod to Calum’s guilt was absolutely incredible. Not to mention both actors, Paul Mescal and Frankie Corio were nothing short of incredible. Their performance felt so incredibly real.

Aftersun felt like a dream in the best and worst ways possible. An unspoken longing for the past, and the persistent grief and depression that follows. This movie genuinely holds such a special place in my heart. Absolutely magnificent.