That's How I Feel

A Lack of Engagement Pt. 4: To Have and to Hold

[Previous Entry: Here.] Below the cut.

Rain is sleeping on the couch.

More accurately, he's laying on it, very much awake and contemplating his life and the decisions that have lead him to this point.

But, physically, mentally, emotionally... He's sleeping on the couch.

Swiss taunts him about it.

Asks him how he managed to get in trouble with Dew this time.

Truth is, Rain put himself out here.

He'd given Dew the bed, knowing even if he could sleep anywhere, HE was the one that deserved to be ousted from their bedroom, even if it had been Rain's to begin with.

Dew's allowed to be upset.

Just as much as Rain's allowed to... do this.

Avoid the situation.

Avoid Dew.

Swiss tries to get him to open up about what happened during their date after getting his fill of tormenting him, but Rain rolls onto his side, facing the back of the cushions instead.

"That bad, huh?" Swiss remarks, sitting down by Rain's feet, "Dew not like your surprise?"

"...I'm just..." Rain sighs, looking over his shoulder at his friend, "I don't know why Dew... Swiss, why does Dew like me?"

"What?"

Rain sits up.

"What about me-" he pokes himself in the chest, "-made Dew fall for someone like me?"

"I... You expect me to know something like that?" Swiss asks, looking terribly confused, then sits back, thinking, "You two must have had a pretty serious fight if you're wondering about stuff like that..."

"...He doesn't want to talk to me." Rain confesses, drawing his knees up to his chest, "I said something hurtful and... Honestly, I don't think I can walk it back, even though I feel like... I don't know."

His mouth wobbles a bit.

"I dunno, I don't want to lose my best friend..." he sniffs, and Swiss pulls him into a hug.

"Aw, buddy, I'm sure Dew will forgive you, but just in case, what did you say so I can know if I need to be stopping Dew from hitting you or helping him?"

Rain stiffens.

"Uh..."

Swiss slides his arm up slightly, around his neck.

"Awfully quiet there, Raincloud."

"Uhhhhh..." Rain laughs nervously, "...I plead the fifth?"

Swiss pulls him into a headlock.

"Sorry, man, I know that's code for 'I fucked up and I know it', so I have to do it."

"Do wha-HAH!" Rain squirms trying to escape Swiss' hold as he gives him a noogie, "HEY!"

After a minute or so, Swiss releases him, and Rain holds his head in his hands, groaning.

"Go talk to your husband already." he says, patting the water ghoul on the shoulder, "Exiling yourself to the couch is just gonna cause more problems. C'mon, up, up!"

Swiss pulls him to his feet, brushing him off.

"Now march off to that bedroom, get into bed, and tell your husband you're sorry for being a major ass!"

"I'm going, I'm going-" Rain grumbles, wandering off down the hallway, pausing to look back at Swiss, who salutes him, then does an inverted cross on his chest and then a prayer gesture, "-You stop that!"

"Not on your life!"

Rain rolls his eyes and continues down the hallway.

Worst case scenario, he enters the bedroom and Dew kills him on the spot, best case scenario, he's asleep... lukewarm scenario, he's awake and not so murderous that he won't let Rain climb into bed.

Reaching his bedroom door, Rain pops it open just a crack to see if he can locate Dew, but finds the room dark, save for the glow of the power cable on his laptop, which he usually nudges a book in front of at night to keep it from shining in his face when he sleeps.

In the dull glow, he can make out the vaguest silhouette of something people shaped on the bed; Dew is tucked into the farthest corner of the mattress, his body curled around something, either fast asleep or close to it.

Stepping inside, Rain shuts the door behind him and makes his way over to the bed.

He lingers there, watching Dew shift in his sleep, he's wrapped around Rain's pillow, holding it close.

Rain feels guilty.

Without turning on the lights, Rain rummages through his dresser for his pajamas, and slides into the on suite to get changed, before climbing into the bed beside him.

He starts off on the very edge, not wanting to disturb his sleep, but at some point, after laying there for what feels like an eternity, Rain rolls over closer to where Dew is, and reaches out, tugging at his midsection and pulling him into the curve of his body.

Dew makes a little noise of discontent, but settles shortly thereafter.

Pressed against him like this, Rain feels... strangely soothed.

He breathes out and allows his eyes to drift shut, chin resting on top of Dew's head.

"'m sorry..." he mumbles.

"...I'm sorry, too."

Rain blinks.

"...You're awake?"

"Couldn't sleep... felt lonely."

Rain frowns.

"I'm... Dew, I'm sorry I said what I said earlier." he admits, "This is all just... a lot. Not you, but, going from friends to this... It all feels like it's going a bit too fast, like I don't have time to process what's happened, or how I feel about it all... and I know it's my fault."

"Kind of, yeah." Dew replies with a yawn.

"Yeah? Aren't you supposed to comfort me and say it's not my fault and that you forgive me?" Rain jokes, but when Dew begins to move in his hold, he thinks he's messed up again, "I-"

Dew rotates so that he's facing Rain, coming practically nose to nose with him due to how close they are.

"I can forgive you for getting us into this mess, but I'm not gonna say it's not your fault. Both of us tested the rumor, and you may have heard about it first, but I went along with it. Fuckin'... it takes two to tango." Dew says, "And, yeah, I'm upset about what you said, but, I dunno... laying here, thinking about things on my own, I'd rather have my heartbroken then lose my friend... even if it's my friend who's breaking my heart."

"You... really like me that much?" Rain asks, and Dew headbutts him slightly, "Ow..."

"I do, have for a long time now... Sorry if that's weird."

"It's not weird... I have..." Rain pinches his eyes shut, "I have feelings for you, but I know they're not the same. It's... Fuck, this is awkward."

"You don't have to force yourself to tell me..."

"No, it's... Dew, you make me feel..." he clears his throat, "...Physically speaking..."

"You don't feel attracted to me?" Dew offers, and Rain panics.

"No! No, I think you're fucking hot as Hell!" he shouts, and they can both hear the chorus of annoyed hisses through their door.

"Quiet down!" someone groans, "We don't wanna hear it!"

"Satanas, you two need to get a room in your fucking room..." someone else mutters, muffled by the walls around them.

"...So, you ARE attracted to me, just not... emotionally then?" Dew concludes, "...Okay."

"Okay?"

"I mean... I like you, and I'm pretty sure if we fucked right now it'd really mess me up, because feelings and shit, but... uh... good to know." he says, clicking his tongue, "...You would fuck me though, right?"

"In a heartbeat."

"...That's too slow."

.

.

.

Rain lies awake, a surprisingly chill Dewdrop snuggled into his chest, tail lazily slapping against the blankets now and then.

As long as it's stuff like this, being with Dew... it's manageable.

He can do this.

They already did this before they wound up in this situation, so it's not a big deal.

Except is absolutely is.

If Dew didn't have feelings for him, would they have gone further than this by now?

Was it a mercy that Dew loved him enough to keep them from ruining their friendship?

That Rain has the common sense and decency to realize faking it just to get into Dew's would be wrong, and that even the idea of trying something like that -no matter how much he wants to explore their bodies together- disgusts him beyond all belief?

Rain huffs.

He'd never do that to Dew.

Especially if Rain knows he needs it to mean something.

That if it's HIM, Dew wouldn't be able to get over the hurt of being used like that.

He's more worried about losing his friend than getting his dick wet quite frankly.

But...

Rain bites his lip.

...Someone really needs to tell his junk this is not happening.

Lying here pressed against Dew's body is making it hard to keep his body from reacting, the stimulation is... it's not a lot, but, come to think of it, Rain hadn't gotten laid in a while now, and that dry spell is really making asses of pillows, if that makes any sense at all.

He could seek out someone to sleep with, but, he's also not sure what their -the versions of themselves in this world or whatever it is- boundaries are in terms of cavorting outside of their relationship.

He's not sure if it would raise any red flags to his packmates if he approached one of them for sex, or if their bond was more like that of Cirrus and Cumulus, who explicitly stated the openness of their relationship -save for being emotionally exclusive- before beginning to date.

The uncertainty is enough to keep him cozy in their bed, but another part of him, a small, odd little facet of himself he didn't know existed, wants nothing else but to be with Dew, even if it's cuddling just like this.

Weird.

I woke up with this in my head. Aether leaves, Dew and Mountain struggle in their own ways.

Cw: angst, hurt/comfort

He waits until it's silent, until everyone is locked away in their rooms and nothing fills the air except for his heavy, uneven breathing. He tiptoes silently, skips the spots that creak, the ones that would scream out in the silence, letting everyone know he's broken and bleeding out every single night.

He tries not to look at Dew's door as he passes. He aches for his closeness, for his understanding but he can't make himself knock to ask for it. Not when Dew still smells like grief and heartbreak, like a cauterized wound still smoking. It's still too soon, ripped open and still bleeding and Mountain refuses to add his pain to the pilar Dew's currently buried under.

He keeps his eyes down and holds his breath, praying he won't hear him crying because he knows he can't fix him, not this time.

And it's a cold steel blade, a frozen lake in his lungs because it had been them, for so long it was them. They kept each other together when the others left, willingly or ripped away by force, they still stood and had each other.

But it wasn't enough and the goodbye was unexpected and more painful than the others. He had listened to Dew beg, sobbing on his knees to try to make him stay and Mountain couldn't do anything but stand and shake and remind himself to breathe. In and out. In…..and out.

He stops at the end of the hall, glares at the closed door and wants to demand it tell him that it was a lie, just a sick joke. But it stays closed and cold and empty. He slides down to sit beside it, not daring to look inside. He can't face the barren space, the echoing lack of life between those walls.

Traces of Aether are still on the air here and he breathes them in and holds them in his lungs and hopes it's enough to keep him there, at least the memory, the quickly fading sound of his voice, his laugh…

He sobs with his head in his hands, silently breaking in the gloom of the empty hallway. He tugs his hair, his ears, trying to remind himself that he's still here despite it all, he still feels but fuck he wishes he didn't…

He creeps back to his room after he's drained, after the tears run out and his throat hurts from keeping himself quiet, there are teeth marks in his fist and maybe another piece of himself missing, left there on the floor outside of Aether's room helplessly trying to crawl under the door to find him.

Sleep doesn't come, it rarely does. He stares up into the blackness of his room until his eyes burn, trying to put a face to the shadows, trying to find little flickering lights of magic in the corners to tell himself Aether still cares, that he's still willing to offer the comfort he once had but there's nothing. Just black staring back at him.

Mountain slips outside just as the sun starts to rise, silently fleeing to the greenhouse because he's not ready to face any of them with puffy bloodshot eyes, not ready for them to know that he's broken. They need to be there for Dew, he can't take that focus away.

He works until he can't anymore, running from his thoughts until he's too tired and they catch him. He doesn't remember hitting his knees, doesn't remember dropping the watering can and soaking the earth around his knees, doesn't remember covering his face and screaming into his hands because why? Why do they always leave? Why can't he make them stay? Why?

It hurts more than there are words for, and his arms wrap around his middle like maybe he can hold himself together as he rocks back and forth, trying to remember to breathe but what's the point when each breath just tastes like loss, like lies.

He doesn't hear the door open and by the time he realizes he's not alone it's too late, he can't hide it now, too far gone to even attempt to compose himself.

“Mountain…”

Dew's voice is fractured, rough from lack of use and hardly even over a whisper but Mountain's heart jumps regardless. He doesn't turn his head, he can't, Dew will shatter if he sees just how much pain Mountain's in.

“Mountain.” And maybe it's the only word he remembers right now and maybe Mountain shouldn't feel some kind of comforted by hearing it, but he does. He still doesn't look but he can hear Dew moving to sit on the bench. “Come here.”

Dew doesn't rush him, just lets the words hang in the space between them until Mountain's able to make them make sense. He struggles with the choice, stay planted where he is, kneeling in the mud with tears still dripping down his cheeks…or turn and crawl towards something that feels like home, no matter how broken it may be.

He crawls toward home, feels each little stone in his palms as he goes and he doesn't look up, he can't and knows Dew has to understand. If anyone understands it has to be him.

Dew watches him all but drag himself across the floor and he wants to grab him, to pull and tug until he's close enough to hold but he won't, he'll wait and meet Mountain where he is. Tears well up when he's close enough to lay his head on Dew's lap, his long arms wrapped around his leg, shaking as he holds on as tight as he can.

Dew runs his fingers through his hair, blinking against the tears, hating himself for his selfishness, hating that he'd left Mountain all alone with nothing but his thoughts and fears.

“It's ok.” He hears himself say it, feels the shape of each word and wonders if he actually believes that.

Mountain doesn't. Not yet. “No it's not.”

And he doesn't argue because Mountain hurts and he's allowed to hurt, but he's still here and so is Dew. He rests his palm against Mountain's cheek, letting him feel the warmth, a reminder of a still beating heart, a reminder that he's not going anywhere, at least not without one hell of a fight.

“You're right, it's not ok.” He lifts Mountain's face gently to look at him, to lock eyes to seal his promise. “But it will be. We will be.”

Just the fact Swiss has a cowbell this tour cycle and it's a no phone concert is killing me. I need to see how freaky that ghoul gets when he's playing it.

Void I am asking you about Special Ghoul

Shout out to @floating--goblin for suffering Special brainrot with me :))

Special is, well…A special case.

He was the first multi. Not the first attempt, but the first to survive the process. Dozens before him, none of them made the cut. Succumbing to the elements, expiring during the process, too many failures to count. It’s a nasty, violent affair of conflicting elements never meant to mix together but they’re forced to. Mingling in his vessel with all the stability of a nuclear reactor rapidly approaching a meltdown. Barely kept from complete failure by the grace of some watchful force that seemed to enjoy his prolonged suffering. Special was never given a choice, he was always meant to become this thing.

While he was the first to make it out, he was hardly what the clergy would consider a success. Body mangled and abused, he’s forced to draw on the very things tearing him apart to prove himself at the well polished heels of a woman hardly interested in the display in front of her. Special tries. He reaches into himself and claws desperately at the flickering presence caught within the depths of his being. Pulling and ripping at his very atoms to prove his worth with all he could muster.

Not all of it stuck. Some elements were lost in the process. The only things he could find within himself were water and a horrific untamable flicker of quintessence. Special came up short. He didn’t meet the mark and the woman stared at him with such cold indifference he might as well have died in the process. A stain on the pentagram before her. She turned and Special felt his chilled heart leap up behind his teeth. He crawled after her like a dog for the chance to grovel for approval - approval he never knew he needed until she turned her back on him.

And a dog he was. Sister’s dog. Constantly seeking favor he will never find.

Bending beyond backwards for her, Special keeps his hands dirty and hers immaculate. There’s blood beneath his nails and viscera in his teeth all at her command. Devotion turned violent. Lethal. Special lurks the halls. He is what goes bump in the night. The shadow fueling ghost stories passed from sibling to sibling, what keeps toes behind the line. He is the unspoken consequence you never hope to face.

Years pass. Faces come and go. Power is passed along. She grows older and he stays the same. He never strays though. Disobedience was torn from his body the day she ordered him to be remade. To be reborn in the image she desired, and while he didn’t fit the picture, he still forced himself into the mold. Crammed himself to fit what she had hoped him to be but her glances continued to brush over him. It only makes him yearn for her attention all the more.

He never hesitates when she speaks in his direction. Even when she puts the syringe in his hand. Special is loyal. A good soldier that follows orders.

Mushy May '24 Day 15: Painting on each other

WC: 340

Relationship: Dewdrop/Rain

Read under the cut or on AO3.

What is now their little custom had started out very differently; with Rain idly running his cold fingertips over Dewdrop’s bare back one night—both of them as relaxed as a ghoul can be.

The water ghoul traced invisible shapes on his mate’s warm skin, pressing a claw to it now and then to watch it redden. Rain didn’t know why he loved doing that so much, but he did, and Dewdrop loved indulging him.

“What’s that?” Rain asked him once, and it evolved into a guessing game that would end with an ‘I love you’ written on Dewdrop’s back and finished off with a kiss to the nape of his neck every single time.

Years later, it’s barely the same.

Rain hums as he dips the tip of a thin brush into a little vial filled with black paint. He looks over his canvas—planning. The fire ghoul lays under him half asleep, waiting for the gentle touches of his mate’s brush on his skin to lull him into it fully.

Rain goes with his gut. He puts his brush down just under the back of Dewdrop’s ear and watches it twitch before sliding down over his neck, shoulder blades, spine, lover back—leaving a simple, but beautiful swirl in his wake. He pauses next to the base of the fire ghoul’s tail, nearly wrapping the paint around it.

He goes back up and makes the long line branch out into more swirls until Dewdrop looks as if he’s been covered by vines. Rain picks up color, then, and makes it all look real as his mate sleeps.

The water ghoul loves seeing his art on something else he considers an artwork, loves having Dewdrop all to himself, loves having his trust and permission for marking him. Whether it’s just paint or bite and claw marks or cum or whatever else the water ghoul would want to cover him in.

He always tells Rain that he must settle on a design—he wants it tattooed, carved into his skin forever.

Why do I feel like this needs to be a fic?

He's either scared or really captivated with the magical water ghoul in front of him summoning a storm...

A study evolved into this rendered scene, i felt blue since it stormed today.

Bonus mustache:

Tip jar

This is some funny shit. Like, did you just randomly decide to go a Ghost concert not knowing who they were?

Love that little green bean

silhouette

This probably one of the best I've read on here.

Your angsty Dew stuff is killing me I am here to humbly request more <3

Of course, sweetheart! Here's more Dew struggling with quint magic being used.

Also, so sorry for doing Aeth like this but...it just wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. I will make it up to him, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Non-con use of magic! Dew feels dirty about it please read with caution angels!

It's all angst all the time.

Omega is the first to use it against him without his permission. He never uses it maliciously, never takes over and drives Dew to madness even though he could. He could warp Dew into a completely different Ghoul, could throw him head first off a cliff and Dew wouldn't be able to fight.

When he feels Dew retreating in on himself he pulls him out.

Dewdrop can feel it in his brain like little fingers tugging and pulling him where they want him. Sometimes he'll struggle, try to keep his walls firmly in place but he's not strong enough against Omega.

He feels like a rag doll sometimes, like he's a puppet and Omega holds his strings.

The little water ghoul knows he means well, does it to keep him safe and happy but…

When Aether comes and starts training, he's even stronger than Omega is.

He asks Dew if he can use it during sex and at first he likes it, it's like more hands on his body, lips and tongues and Aether can have him seeing whatever he wants. It's fun to play with…

But then sometimes he's just sitting there and he feels it creeping up over his spine and into his hair, nipping at the tips of his ears and he wants to scream. He knows it's part of Aether but it isn't him really.

Sometimes it feels like a violation and it hurts so bad he can't stand it.

He uses it to keep him docile when he starts to panic and lash out, slips into his head and pokes and prods and pulls up things Dew doesn't want anyone else to know about. He's glassy eyed and limp in his arms by the time Aether pulls out of his mind.

Dewdrop understands he means well, trying to keep him from fighting himself but it feels like he wants him to change, to rip out his anger and keep him sweet. Dew likes his anger, it's a shield that keeps his heart protected and when it's stripped away he feels too open, weak to attack.

When he decides to leave and move on to another Abbey he tells Dew he can make it feel like he's never existed, can pull himself out of Dew's memories.

He screams until he can't breathe, until Mountain kicks in the door and punches Aether and scoops Dew up into his arms and cradles him.

He feels shattered, dirty, broken…

Then Phantom comes and Dew can't stand him on principal alone.

Aether had hurt him, deeply wounded him, but still seeing someone replace him felt like a kick to the teeth.

He could tell he was strong. The little ghoul just vibrating with magic.

Dew kept a wide berth and refused to pay too much attention, tries not to do anything that would make him want to use it against him.

He sees him use it on Swiss and Rain when their bodies ache, the way they sag in relief and thank him, how he quickly reigns it back in as soon as he helped them. He's seen the way he gently slips into Mountain's dreams when the big ghoul has a nightmare and twitches and whimpers in his sleep, offers just enough to take the edge of fear away.

Panic hits Dew hard and fast, usually out of no where and violent enough to leave him breathless and on his knees shaking.

He tries to keep it hidden, never wants to bother the pack but Phantom finds him. Dew's distress shining neon and screaming out to his quintessence.

He sits beside him, keeps his hands to himself. "What can I do?"

Dew tells him to leave, pulls his knees up tight under his chin and begs him to just leave.

He doesn't. He lays a steady hand on Dew's shaking shoulder and just sits with him.

Dew can feel his magic around him, feels the way it wants to reach out but Phantom won't let it touch him.

He doesn't understand. Phantom is the strongest quint he's ever felt but he hasn't once tried to pin Dewdrop down and rearrange his mind to make him more palatable. He keeps it locked tight.

He let's Phantom hug him, lets him pull him into his lap and pet his hair. He's warm and soft and Dew wants it so bad he can taste it.

"Don't use it on me…don't ever use it on me." He knows he's begging, knows Phantom will probably ask about it at some point.

"I won't. I promise I won't, Dew."

And he wants to believe that, wants to let those words sit in his brain and close over the wounds left by magic he wanted nothing to do with. But he knew how quickly soft hands could turn to fists and how tempting that power could be.

All he hopes is that when Phantom decides to destroy him, he at least does it quickly.

Vote because Project 2025 is dangerous to you and all those you love

You guys realize this means we ALL have to vote now. No "don't wanna vote biden" excuses now- if we don't vote our rights are going to be taken away.