(surely This Has Already Been Done, But I Could Not Find It, So I Had To Make Sure It Existed. -dathomirdumpsterfire)

Darth Maul and Eddie Brock/Venom would be smack dab in the middle.

chart with all my favorite fictional guys on it and it looks like this

*breaks into askbox*

ahsoka S2 is in great need to present Eli Vanto my man alongside with Ahsoka and Ghost fam. now this is totally important like top priority important.

i saw that ask and i just have to say this

thank you for coming to my TED talk

*dramatic exit*

the amazingness of your ted talk makes up for the breaking and entering

(commission info // kofi support!)

*breaks into askbox*

ahsoka S2 is in great need to present Eli Vanto my man alongside with Ahsoka and Ghost fam. now this is totally important like top priority important.

i saw that ask and i just have to say this

thank you for coming to my TED talk

*dramatic exit*

the amazingness of your ted talk makes up for the breaking and entering

(commission info // kofi support!)

This came to me in a vision.

Feel free to add your own favorite "eldritch being x traumatized mortal" ships!

more

To a homophobe, even the most chaste kiss on the cheek between gay people is exactly as disgusting and degenerate as a hardcore BDSM orgy hosted in the town square, so you may as well ally with the BDSM orgy enthusiasts to throw bricks at the cops who are going to try and arrest all of you together anyway.

Stede is gonna be mediocre at sex with Ed? Like that man doesn’t pay attention to the smallest detail down to Ed’s pinky nail and wells of psychological trauma? Like that man hasn’t spent months putting together strings of words that burrow straight into Ed’s soul as soon as they’re found? Like that man doesn’t have a lifetime of repressed desires just bursting to get out of him? Like that man doesn’t know exactly how Ed feels from moment to moment, has since the first time they met, and has taken a Master’s level course in The Study of Edward Teach since?

Like, good sex ain't pure mechanics. It’s being attuned to your partner's needs and desires and listening to what they like and what they don’t. There are plenty of people who have tons of sex but aren’t really good at it because they’re more concerned about their pleasure than their partner’s.

And it’s also about the partner. Ed’s not just lying there letting Stede get on with it. He’s guiding and talking and responding and giving Stede pleasure too. Not to mention encouragement, and you know that Stede Bonnet responds well to positive reinforcement.

So while he may not be 100% competent with the mechanics yet, you better believe Stede is listening to every goddamn sound Ed makes, and every goddamn reaction his body has, and making an exhaustive list of exactly How to Make Edward Teach Come So Hard That He Blacks Out And It’s Actually Kind Of Scary For A Minute that he will dictate to Lucius the next morning.

Stede’s whole thing is that what he lacks in mechanical skills he makes up for in empathetic wisdom, whimsical enthusiasm, and a wholehearted dedication to the bit. Like, you think that little man so pocked with self-esteem issues would be so goddamn smug the next morning if he didn’t KNOW he had just fixed Ed’s lower back?

I think we lean into Stede being a cringe-fail dork while sometimes ignoring that he does actually have a strong skill set that includes emotional intelligence, planning and innovation, and being in love with Ed.

Tl;dr: Stede Bonnet, Worst Pirate of the Caribbean, made Edward Teach see colors in a whole new spectrum. And that was just their first time. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

leave the man alone🙏

outsmarted again

eli vanto wakes up and wonders what the fuck thrawn is gonna get them court-martialled for this time