Dune Crack!au (5)

Dune crack!au (5)

Feyd: Hey, Paul.

Paul: No.

Feyd: Husband dear?

Paul: Fine. What do you want now?

Feyd: Can I have my knives back?

Paul: No.

Feyd: Pretty please?

Paul: Still no.

Feyd: It’s been 2 months! I want my precious Giedi Prime knives back-

Paul: Not until you say sorry to Gurney and Stilgar.

Feyd: I did nothing wrong! I’m innocent!

Paul: You deliberately stole all of their clothes and made them into freaking tents and curtains!

Feyd: Actually, it was our dear

Princess Irulan who stole them.

Paul: That’s not the point!

Feyd: The point is that I, the gorgeous Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen was the one who made the sparkly sand proof tents and curtains-

Paul: Ugh. Muad’Dib, help me.

Feyd: My Lankiveil sewing skills are superior to-

Paul: F*ck your stupid Lankiveil sewing skills! Tell Gurney that you’re sorry right now!

Feyd: It was extremely hot and Irulan and I needed new curtains!

Paul: You could’ve just asked me for new ones instead of stealing Gurney’s galactic underpants-

Feyd: And ruin our yearly budget?! Our monthly savings?! The Arrakeen economy?! Not on my watch, husband. Not on my watch!

Paul: Feyd, babe, calm down-

Feyd: I want my knives back, Paul!

Paul: Give me one good reason-

Feyd: My daddy gave them to me.

Paul: Apologize first!

Feyd: I’m your wife!

Paul: And I’m the Emperor of the known universe!

Feyd: Fine! keep them! Burn them! Throw them away! I don’t care!

Paul: Feyd, listen-

Feyd: But I’m telling Irulan that you’re abusing your powers again.

Paul: No, not her! Don’t tell her-

Feyd: Irulan! Irulan, Paul is being a tyrannical control freak again!

Irulan: *runs in* Feyd, babe, are we in trouble?!

Feyd: Muad’Dib, no.

Irulan: Did our husband find out about our “math” business with Stilgar and his Fremen friends?!

Feyd: No, not yet.

Irulan: Oh, thank Muad’Dib.

Paul: But I’m Muad’Dib-

Feyd: Paul said that he’ll cancel our super secret ✨Music Nights with Shai-Hulud✨ and exclusive ✨Desert Festivals✨ again!

Irulan: *glares at Paul* You evil tyrant, how could you?!

Paul: I- I love ✨Music Nights with Shai-Hulud✨!

Feyd: You don’t even sing!

Paul: I do! I swear I do!

Irulan: Oh, stop changing the freaking subject, Paul!

Paul: Last I’ve checked, we’re still on the same page!

Irulan: You promised me that Feyd and I can sing freely in the desert with Stilgar every other night!

Feyd: Our dear husband also told me that the members of House Corrino are just a bunch of nerdy losers!

Paul: I- I was drunk!

Irulan: Chani! Chani, Paul is abusing his witchy powers again!

Chani: *walks in* Yo, what’s up, losers? How’s life?

Irulan: Our “beloved” husband said that your desert hair sucks!

Chani: He did not-

Irulan: He did!

Feyd: We’re telling the truth.

Paul: Chani bear, we all know that our dear “Drunk Irulan” and “Freaky Feyd-Rautha” are clearly lying-

Irulan: Drunk Irulan?! Who the f*ck is Drunk Irulan?!

Chani: Lol.

Feyd: Chani bear, your “Paular bear” also told me that you smell like a dying Shai-Hulud.

Chani: A what?!

Feyd: A dying ugly ass Shai-Hulud.

Paul: Chani-

Chani: Somebody is sleeping with the sandworms tonight!

Feyd: Yeah! The sandworms!

Irulan: Let’s go sandworms!

Paul: Ughhhh! I knew it! I knew I should’ve stayed single.