I'm Just WORKING On Himari's Backstory Even Though I Have Exams Getting Closer *sob*

How do y'all genuinely like yourselves like drop a tutorial my self esteem is so low it literally makes a hole through the world and opens to the other side

Sometimes life feels good enough when you have enough bows to decorate your sadness

BSD chapter 121 – SPOILER / "THEORY"

Something i haven't seen anyone else point out, is that in the last pannel of the chapter, "Dazais" clothes clearly don't fit him

For comparison, both from the same chapter

His coat is clearly too big for him. The sleeves hang too low, usually just below the elbow, now down to his wrists.

His pants don't fit him either, although the coat hides it pretty well.

Overall his clothes are significally more baggy.

His hair is also parted diffrently. Dazais hair is almost always parted down the middle. First I thought his hair was being blown by the wind – thusly messing the parting – but one look at the hem of the coat proved me wrong.

The right side of his hair is instead longer then the left side.

He also seems to not have his neck bandage. The longer then usual sleeves concealing his arm bandages (or the lack thereoff).

"Dazai" is morphing into someone else. Which brings me to:

Atsushi is shorter then Dazai, making Dazais clothes most likely too big for him.

The longer side of Atsushis hair is the right one. The parting of hair – while not exact – seems to also match our resident tiger lad.

The illusion of Dazai is being torn apart, as Atsushi realizes its true nature. His own thoughts, fleelings, and conclusions wearing a Dazai themed Halloween mask.

When Atsushi says he 'knows who you are, he's not talking about Dazai or the hallucination, but *himself.*

Atsushi has never needed someone else to tell him to live, but he has always felt like he does.

To be less extra 'bout it, i think Atsushi groked what he is and is going use that to save Akutagawa / kick Fyodors ass.

If i missed or got smt wrong feel free to tell me

Tw // mentions of corpses, decomposition of them, a little bit of swearing, and straight up talking about my trauma experiences. This post is not tagreted towards anyone, i just wanted to get all of this off my chest.

—

Ok just me yapping about my c-ptsd again

I've been trying to recover for like 2-3 years and it's hella hard for me, ESPECIALLY the triggers. Sometimes you can just discover what is it that triggers you and you can warn people around you about it, but when you can't discover what triggers you, that's the real problem there.

Yeah, people can trigger me even though they don't mean to. Even though i am the one who has it i don't even know half of my triggers, i am still trying to note them down but trust me it's so fucking hard when you lose half of your memory when you go through an episode. Do i get triggered from people talking about my mental illness unless i don't bring it up myself? Yes. Do i get triggered by people telling that i am a bad person? Yes. Do i get triggered by people i recently met are mean to me? Yes. Tbh i don't really give a damn when it's a stranger but when it's someone i just met it just makes me go up the walls.

And trust me, i have MUCH more triggers, but i don't know half of them due to my severe memory loss and shit, and it's so frustrating!! Like, i want to tell someone to stop doing a certain thing but from how absurt that trigger is people will just assume that i am a fuckass "you are faking your mentall illness!" kind of a person.

No, i don't fake any of this bullshit. Why the absolute fuck i would?? Do you think i enjoy starving myself for days because someone said a word that reminded me one of my traumas? Clearly. I'm sorry but people who say that i am "faking it" learns from shit like this:

And then try to assume stuff about me as if they are the ones who have this disorder. I am sorry but i am not going to listen to someone who learns about disorders from stuff like this, and then tells people that they are "faking it", i apologize once more, but do you even realize how harmful it is for us? Especially for c-ptsd since you don't know the half of your triggers and when they occured. There's a critical importance of learning mental illnesses properly. I apologize dearly but everyone deals with mental illnesses different, and you can't assume that people are faking it unless they are very obviously faking it/don't fit the !!very basic!! criteria.

And then there's this feeling i have, when i see something completely traumatic— i go through a lot of suffering, and then that traumatic thing is nothing to me.

Don't ever get me started on how my mom just let me see an extremely decomposed corpse—she used to work as a pathologist til i was 10—it's was horrifying. I was traumatized. That corpse was just carved into my brain. I couldn't sleep for days, i couldn't eat any meat because it just disgusted me. It lasted a few days and now, i am literally just neutral about corpses. I can visit that morgue just fine. And after all of this— people just tell me that i am being heartless, yeah don't go around babbling that i am an "edge lord", this is literally what i go through. I can't feel emotions like a normal person does, i don't feel any pity when i see people suffering, i don't feel love when i see my favorite person, the emotions i can feel intensely—like a normal person does—is fear and anger, expect these two i am completely numb. I don't really know if something is right or wrong unless someone tells me about it or i watch how people react to it, that doesn't make me a bad person, too. I am just saying that i can't understand right and wrong all by myself, however since i desire to be someone who is good, i always try to do the right thing— and by all of this, i am trying to tell you guys that ptsd is not something all about nightmares and flashbacks, it affects the person's way of thinking too. The reason i got my emotions this dulled down was the fact that I've been emotionally traumatized many times. Ptsd is not something you can learn off from the ableist information from google. It can give you correct information, yes. However the information there is very likely to be untrue, especially for personality disorders.

Okay, let me give an example— the most of the information on google says that cptsd lasts under a month, however, I've been dealing with it almost my whole life, only 2-3 years of diagnosis.

"but ismene, how can we learn about i-" i am pretty much sure that there's THOUSANDS of people who have diagnosed mental illnesses, you can always ask them about it on social media. Or maybe you have someone who's diagnosed? Go ahead and talk to them if they are comfortable. Do a deep research about it, and then compare the information you got from couple of diagnosed people and your research— find the same spots. And these same spots are very likely to be true. Researching about a mental illness shouldn't take you five minutes if you do want to understand people who have them. Mental illnesses are something serious and you need to take them serious.

Welp, i guess i yapped a bit too much— i hope all of this bunch of experiences and information does actually helps some people.

I have a way of expressing my feelings by drawing myself as a child

Welp.. unusual coping ways exist i guess.

(reposting my art from pint #6??)

Nobuko sasaki fanart in 2025?!!!...

it was actually drawen in 2024, but well.

I miss my old moots whose used to be active but not really active nowadays sigh

My mother is just straight up cruel, i absolutely hate her for it. But at the same time she's like a friend towards me so i can't really say anything. I think she hates me too.

It feels like we bsdpin community just came here from an apolovypspe or however you spell it and we are just sitting by a campfire talking from time to time and waiting for our other moots 😭

I want to wear hijab/niqab but i see girls getting bullied really bad bc of them here, even though i live in a country with a very large muslim population— so it scares me sm dhsjdjjdefgh☹️