10 Things That Demonstrate How Brainwashed I've Become:

My task for today was to write this list. Some things have been removed.

10 things that demonstrate how brainwashed I've become:

Attachment to his cock: I spend hours looking at pictures and videos of his cock and this isn't how I have previously responded to developing new relationships, and doesn't seem to reflect how other people behave when they do either.

The way I connect with my sexuality: When I masturbate I no longer have my own thoughts or ideas. I recite things I've been told or read, or I stare at his cock, or I just go empty. I rarely have any desire to watch porn, unless I know he has watched porn and I can watch what he's watched. If I have any thoughts at all I am fantasising about him, using my imagination to come up with new ways to strengthen his control and deepen my brainwashing or to be useful for him - and then I tell him about them so he can review my progress and use them against me. It's not even really a choice to masturbate. My sexuality doesn't belong to me anymore. I don't experience my own moods or desires - I just obey and feel good for obeying.

My motivation and addiction: Oh yeah, and when I masturbate I never make myself cum. I don't even want to cum. When I think I want to cum it always ends up that I actually just wanted to be more controlled. His orgasm feels better than any orgasm I can remember. Yet I can't stop edging myself, I am addicted to the feeling of building pleasure but no release, only hornier only more desperate - and those things alter my behaviour so I become sluttier, easier, weaker, softer, more malleable - and he tells me to do it over and over and he reminds me how addicted I am so even if I think I might have had control once I definitely don't now.

My outward image: I let him choose what I wear, and when I am free to choose I still dress myself to be pretty and slutty and pleasing when I can. I want people to look at what I wear and know I'm a fucktoy and that he's changed me. When I look in the mirror and I see what others see I get so horny thinking about how slutty I look and what they must think and I have to edge myself.

My self worth: I feel best when I'm sexy and slutty and when I earn his hard cock and make him cum harder. I believe that his cum is more valuable important than my brain. I fantasise all the time about him cumming into my empty head and making me permanently mindless. I don't think that I would have believed that before.

My changed preferences: I enjoy and get horny thinking about things that didn't give me pleasure or enjoyment before. Like [removed], and stretching out my holes, and being objectified and [removed].

My safety: I gave up my anonymity, and I think that before I was more concerned about safety and things not bleeding into my 'real life' but this is real now. I also play in public, exposing myself to him and taking risks by touching and grinding and edging in places I shouldn't and that would have bad results if someone were to witness it.

[removed]

My self image: I know this isn't normal, but I believe that I am better and happier now, even though I can't really remember or imagine what I was like before or what my life was like before.

My self destruction: I fell in love with someone who hypnotizes me, brainwashes me, enables and reinforces my addiction and changes me for his pleasure. I told him I love him so he can take my love and use it against me. And it feels good.