Now I’m Picturing Silvio Berlusconi Cuddling A Cow Pillow And Blushing And I May Never Recover From

This made me lol irl because one of the security guards at the building where I work gives out candy to people that he thinks matches their personality (mostly hard candies, I think, so no sour patch kids sadly).

I always get Fireballs. I am also a shameless Lucifer stan. Make of this what you will.

Also cow tails remind me of my dad, who literally used to purchase them by the pound before he decided to cut out sugar. And also, like Belphie, he is a sweet guy who will 100% cut you.

So your analysis is spot on, bravo and I love you and I am so sad I already ate all the candy I was supposed to give away last night.

In the spirit of Halloween

I don't know if it's been done before, but I was thinking about what the boys would be if they were a kind of candy. And this is honestly the first thing that comes to mind for with each of them.

🍬 Lucifer - Red Hots (or Hot Tamales), because come on. How could you think of Lucifer and not think of this candy? Its red, its spicy, and can be an acquired taste. And for some people, they wish they were brave enough to try it.

🍬 Mammon - Sour Patch Kids, first they're sour then they're sweet. This pretty much describes Mammon. He is sour when you first meet him, wanting as little to do with you as possible, then becomes super gushy and sweet.

🍬 Leviathan - Pop Rocks, at first Levi might not seem like much. Boring, standoffish, or even overrated. But once you actually try him you will see there is more to him than you thought, and you had actually been missing out. There is even a surprising sweetness there.

🍬 Satan - Jawbreakers, so this one took some more thought. But Satan as a character is one that shouldn't be underestimated whether you like him or not. Satan takes some getting through the layers before it's safe to find that sweetness he hides inside. Try too soon, and you could end up with a broken tooth.

🍬 Asmodeus - Skittles, because DUH! Colorful, fruity, and everyone loves them. Never go out of style, and you can take them anywhere. They are also adaptable to any and all tastes, as they come in so many different flavors.

🍬 Beelzebub - Peach Rings, because they are super sweet but a lot of people don't try them. They are kind of generic and boring-looking compared to other candy that you have to choose from. But when you do give them a try, they are so sweet that before you know it you have eaten the entire package. Then you want more. Whoops, now you're Beel.

🍬 Belphegor - Cow tails, because they look kind of like another candy but the wrapper is really frustrating to get off in order to get to the chocolatey bit. But once you do- WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ONLY GETTING THEM IN YOUR LIFE NOW!?

Also, from my experience with Jewish friends:

Going over to the grandparents’ house, finding an old bottle of Manischewitz that hasn’t been opened in five years, discovering that it tastes like sweet gym socks, drinking it all anyway, and having the worst goddamn hangover since that one time you thought mixing everclear and Gatorade was a good idea.

december 1st! the first day of

not drawing jewish characters in christmas sweaters and honoring canon jewish characters and jewish headcanons by drawing them in hannukah sweaters with menorahs and blue and white instead of christmas sweaters and pine trees and red and green

If the Lord is testing me, I have failed.

And I’m 100% okay with going to hell to see some hot demon boys.

TFW the month dedicated for “no simping” is the month in which your favorite character was born

Draw! The! Boys! As! Rats!

That is all, plzkthx.

What if Mammon had an albino rat?

I had a name for the rat, but then I realized it was sort of racist-

This has been bothering me since I started playing otome games, especially the Ikemen series (aka “Kidnapping for Fun and Profit Romance”). Why are the MC’s always helpless as shit and/or shaking in their boots as soon as the love interest gets into some kind of scuffle?

My daddy didn’t teach me to throw a haymaker so some malnourished nineteenth-century twat could pick me up and carry me away. When the MC is threatened by an antagonist/random mugger/whatever plot device, I want an option to say, “Bitch I can bench-press you and your Dickensian orphan buddies, go eat whatever sewer rats you use as a protein source and come back to me in a couple months.”

Maybe it’s a cultural thing, and the Japanese market likes their protagonists sweet and innocent, or maybe I’m just white trash, I dunno. Give me an MC who is about to take her earrings off and turn her rings in ‘cause she is gonna step to these fools.

In summary:

*cranks that Carrie Underwood*

TWO BLACK CADILLACS

DRIVING IN A SLOW PARADE

YEAH THEY TOOK TURNS THROWING A ROSE DOWN

THREW A HANDFUL OF DIRT INTO THE COLD GROUND

HE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A SECRET TO HIIIIIIIIIDE

exuding severe "my husband has died under suspicious circumstances and now, i, the poor grieving widow, have to attend his funeral" vibes

This is a great idea! I’m going to have to whip out the eyeshadows that have been gathering dust all quarantine and try some lewks.

oh boy. i went w/ lucifer first and i’m rly anxious abt this. if this flops i’m gonna cry and just cancel the rest of the series cuz my anxiety is so bad rn. anyway, here’s the lewk. it turned out not as i wanted it to, but it doesn’t look horrible ?? idk lmao also did a closeup of the eye look cuz i like it. ignore my shitty drawn on brows, i was in a rush and they’re hidden by my bangs anyway. i’m rly bad at taking selfie’s and the lighting in my room is shit anyway. i’m just typing more shit to procrastinate on posting this but i better post it before i chicken out

I’ve been a prosecutor for as long as I’ve been an attorney. Nowadays, I prosecute child sexual exploitation, and I don’t feel bad at all for the motherfuckers I bury under the jail. 

But are cops bastards? Yes. I can tell you fucking stories of the times I got into screaming, cursing matches with police that I thought were doing a bad job and they didn’t like that I wouldn’t back them up. I can tell you that when I first started in a rural Southern county, the Sheriff told me, “well, I figured they’d hire a n------ or a woman”. I can tell you about my colleague, a Black woman who was a prosecutor, who got pulled over on her way to work multiple times because she was being profiled by the cops she saw in court every day.

Is the criminal justice system broken as fuck? Yes. I hated sending people to prison for drug crimes especially, because hell, if I got caught doing drugs in college, maybe I’d be in the same place. It fucks with you. That’s why I went to the sex offense work, it’s gross and awful and psychologically taxing, but I don’t have to wonder whether I’m prosecuting a victimless crime. I can feel like I’m protecting people instead of persecuting them. And my defendants are mostly white dudes, so my white privilege is a little bit lessened there.

Am I a bastard? Yes but I am a recreational bastard and I would like to be recognized for the hard work I’ve put in to be a bastard in my private life, thank you.

some people need to realize that acab means all cops and  not american cops 

Anybody who lives in the Southern US probably has seen those Chick Tracts, the comics you find left in gas station bathrooms and liquor stores that tell you how Dungeons and Dragons/Catholics/Muslims/THE GAYS are secretly demonic forces that want to send you to hell forever.

I would pay an unholy amount of money for Jack Chick to return to life, learn that there are people playing a game about dating Lucifer himself, draw a cartoon pamphlet about how evil this all is, and die again of a rage-induced brain bleed.

Then I would use it to make a paper-mache statue of Asmo touching himself.

Or, like, some paper roses, whatever.

So I saw a video on YouTube recently where it was a DIY paper rose. I think it was 5 min crafts but don't quote me on that (I didn't click the video).

But BUT

It got me thinking about an MC who's mad at one of the OM brothers. But of course they still love said brother. Which leads to this:

MC: I made you a paper rose

Brother: Oh, thank y-

MC: It's made out of Bible Paper

Or, alternatively:

MC: It's made out of a pamphlet I got from a church telling me how to rid myself of demons

Y’all I got two hearings to cover in court tomorrow, and I am going to be so goddamn hungover and tired and angry I might take a shit in front of the judge and start screaming like a chimpanzee

F in the chat for me please

2020 for me has just been “am I stressed because of a global pandemic and an increasingly fascist far-right government, or am I just struggling to exist under capitalism” and I’m really getting tired of it