A Cheap Solution To Heat Problems:

It doesn’t get easier…There isn’t an answer…But there is a right thing to do.

I used to believe that qualified adults were less afraid and more proficient in handling critical issues. I thought that perhaps their age, wisdom and expertise granted them skill and grace in handling human desperation. I now know it doesn’t get easier.

I know now that when someone close to me first opens up to me about self harm, suicidal thoughts or actions, etc. I will always be initially choked by fear. And every time, I will push aside my fear to talk with them. I think all who have opened up to me have been worried about causing this fear. This initial fear comes from love and an overwhelming desire to keep my friends safe. The initial tightness in my chest comes from knowing that now in context my actions and words matter. It’s terrifying, but I can’t let it petrify me.  

This initial fear is worth the knowledge.

Ignorance does not make it better.

The initial fear is mitigated by presence. To be there. To be committed to being there.

And I assure you, dear anonymous reader, that it is worth it. That this presence, commitment and closeness is worth the fear.

As life has progressed, I have spoken with and listened to presentations by several professionals, trained in helping people overcome mental health struggles. I’ve been told the same things on repeat.

I’ve come to realize that they don’t have the answer either. There isn’t an answer. It will never not be hard. There is no answer, and it will never be easy, but there is a right thing to do, and there are things that make it less hard.

The Right Thing To Is To TRY.

There are resources, some of them are good, some of them are not. Some of them make it better, some of them make it worse. You have to use your best judgement, your intuition, and do the best you can. Sometimes the best you can do is sit somewhere with someone and listen.

Martian Cocktail

How to mix a Martian Cocktail:

1. Grab generic cup

2. Add cranberry juice

3. Add orange juice

4. Add ginger ale

Why make a Martian Cocktail?

Because all the juice options separately tasted a little off. It's not quite the American summer camp classic "Bug Juice" (that is more based in color than flavor) but a slightly more grown version. Still non-alcoholic, but named for its color.

Does it make sense?

There’s a caricature hanging on my wall, with it’s date marked as the 11th of September 2019. I look at it several times a day and wonder about my personal insensitivity. 

I sat for said caricature on said day, and truth be told I was smiling. 

I won’t attempt to justify my role in this. I was there, same as everyone else. I ate the food, same as everyone else. If we were wrong (and I believe we were) then I was wrong. 

The caricature in question was drawn at an institution event, a club fair, somewhat of a celebration. Isn’t it wrong? Wasn’t it wrong, to be at a celebration, at a military institution, on a day that marks a great American tragedy? That same night a remembrance ceremony took place. Doesn’t it pervert the nights remembrance ceremony to be hosting a celebration during the day that could have occurred on any other day? I won’t claim that people born on the 11th should’t celebrate their birthday, their births remind us that horrible things and good things can occur simultaneously. I do wonder about the justification of an institutions celebratory event. 

I will not pretend to remember 9/11. The fact is I simply don’t. I do not remember that day, nor any of that year. Regardless, it was a tragedy that affected an incredible number of Americans. I believe it was insensitive to hold the fair on that day and I have my sincere regrets about my part in it. 

A second event also occurred that seemed ill timed. 

A young man, about to graduate died on 9/15/19 in a car crash. Yesterday, 1 week later the institution held it’s 200th celebration. Today it held his funeral. I will not say that the institution should have altered it’s plans on such short notice, but I will say I believe they should have provided more than just 1 echo of his name as so many students mourn his loss and fight off anguish at the denial of half mast rights for the enlisted young man.   

Does it make sense? To What Degree Should We Mourn For Losses To Our Greater Community? 

“Torrefaction” and the Potato Principal

There comes a point at which my mind no longer wants to absorb new information and I become extremely distractible. Junk food and music become the primary motivators for staying at my desk. This is the point at which I consider my mind a fried potato. 

Tonight that point was hit with the word “Torrefaction,” which describes a process of heating a biomass fuel in an inert atmosphere (like nitrogen) to make it into a more efficiently burning source. Pretty cool right?

I’m working on understanding some Thermogravimetric Analysis (TGA) techniques for something I’m writing and hence came across the word. 

Today began at 9am with some light physics (literally physics regarding light)

Continued on with some dynamics that took way longer than it should have

Came back around to TGA hit “Torrefaction” and now my mind is burnt toast. 

Aside from interuptions for food, hygene and laundry (bothersome repeated tasks we’ve yet to find ways out of) today has been dedicated to engineering and yet here we are nearing midnight, still with more to do and a fried potato of a mind. 

“This is Major Tom To Ground Control...”

Already too much

When I was 11 years old I crashed my mountain bike. I was hauled out of the woods in an all terrain ambulance and rushed to the hospital. They stitched me up and I was fine. 

This is the point I have come to. That I know it is almost over, that the semester is almost over. Just like the doctor almost being done with the stitches. But it hurts so bad and I’ve already been through too much. I’ve got no more left in me, I can’t take any more, but there is still more to go. 

Stay Safe. 

An Exercise in Unpacking & Havin' More Fun:

Imagine this:

Your shuttle, a lovely blue craft old enough to vote, returns you to mars late enough in the sol that it is already dark and you can feel the cold of the atmosphere in spite of your insulative layers.

Alone, you must unpack your craft and the extensive resupply materials it contains. Because you are alone you cannot leave the craft docked in front of the mass housing unit and since nearby docks are taken you must dock up hill from the housing unit.

How then do you get the supplies into your personal chamber???

Well, if you're me...

While wearing full insulative equipment you drag one of the carts up the hill, load it with the supplies, increasing its mass significantly. Then you push it and a rolling desk chair toward the hill, hop into the rolling desk chair and hold on.

I may be many things, but I'm certain I had the most fun in unpacking.

Roller Coasters & Higher Education: The Hardest Part

I like roller coasters, at least sometimes, but they are designed to shake you, scare you a bit, give you an adrenaline rush, an experience, before they place you back on the ground. 

For me the hardest part of any roller coaster or amusement park ride is always waiting in line. Waiting in line is when you have a choice. Every moment I have to stand there, watching the ride, listening to the screams, I am making a conscious choice to get on the ride even as this new information is presented to me. My friends will get me into line, and once I am on the ride itself I put my faith in the safeties designed by the roller coaster engineer  and let my body be thrown from side to side. Loop da’ loops or dramatic three story high dives, locked into my seat the greatest stress is over and I can relax and enjoy the ride.

College too is designed to shake you a bit, give you an experience and place you back on the ground. And here too I find anticipation and decision stifling. I find the choosing of classes, the navigation of my non-standard course map to be a horribly straining task. I would rather just go forth and do, but I feel an obligation to myself to consider my options thoroughly. Issue is, I can’t see the future, there’s no way of knowing what option is truly best in the long run. It’s like being asked to solve for a variable, but being given an indeterminate matrix and some subjective phrases or playing 20 questions with only non distinct questions.  You just have to take your best guess and move on.   

Engineering at it's Finest

Engineering, is a masterful craftfull and I would argue beautiful application of knowledge to solve problems.

Last night I put my education to use.

In response to a problem I retrieved two different size bowls, the smaller one filled with half and half, allong with a cup of ice and set to work applying basic chemistry and thermodynamics to solve a crucial problem...

The lack of vanilla ice cream for accompanying the berries.