As A Male Alter, I Am Much Too Comfortable In An Afab Body…

Reblogging so I can answer the question.

There are several things that I can do to influence a switch, though I would like to preface this with two things.

1: just because it doesn’t look or feel like you would expect it to doesn’t mean you aren’t switching. For us a switch is a huge personality shift even though our conscious stays mainly unaffected. Sometimes the only way we’ve realized we switched is cause either our likes and dislikes don’t match the hosts, or a friend will point out something small we often didn’t realize we’re doing that the host would never do. (Including but not limited to: breathing patterns, posture, word choice, tone, and energy level)

2. As stated in previous posts of ours, forcing a switch when it’s not necessary can be really harmful to the system and your mental health. Trying to prove to yourself that you are valid by forcing a switch is one of the worst things you can do. You validity does not hinge on if you can switch when you want to or if you even switch at all. Your symptoms are valid even if they don’t fit into the box you’re thinking of. That being said, if you need it to happen it most likely will, but if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t switch, here are some tips of how to get it started.

Positive triggers

A positive trigger is anything that can get a headmate closer to the front. Maybe it’s their favorite song or a food they really enjoy, maybe it’s as simple as talking about them irl. It’s anything that gets them excited to front.

Environment

I personally have a hard time switching in an environment that I’m not comfortable in unless I get badly triggered and someone else comes out to deal with it. So if you’re looking for a casual switch just to learn more about you’re system, try surrounding yourself with people who are aware of the system and support all of you. Or if you would rather do this on your own, try going to a safe space where no one will interrupt you.

Unmasking

It’s possible that your headmates aren’t comfortable coming out because you are telling them they have to mask perfectly. So maybe to get them used to being in the front, let them come out when you are in a safe space and no one will judge you. Give them some time and space to be themselves. Since this is mainly a covert disorder a lot of alters very well might be great at masking, but that’s no guarantee. So start of in a safe space and a healthy mindset.

Inner system communication

This is a big one, if you have any communication between your different parts try using it to express what you would like. Be honest, they share your brain and may very well know when you’re lying. Explain that they are safe to come out and do as they please, that no one’s going to hurt them (again make sure you are in that safe space and healthy mindset). This simple encouragement can do wonders, but if they’re still hesitant for whatever reason or if the straight up just say no, respect that. Otherwise you might cause discourse or tension in the system which is the last thing you want.

I know a lot of this was more mindset stuff you can work on, but that stuff can be really helpful. I’ll end this post with another warning against forcing a switch when you don’t need to, and some encouragement that even if you don’t switch like you’re ‘supposed to’ it doesn’t make it any less valid, you’re feelings are still there and they’re real to you.

Have a good day, hope this is helpful.

-Apollo

Follow-up from this post here:

How do you personally leave the front? Is there any specific thing that you do that you consider important to the switching process?

Also, are there any tips you could possibly give me about switching out of the front?

Traumagenic-only community blogs : a masterlist

For anyone who feels uncomfortable having to share community spaces with endogenic systems, a masterlist might useful.

If you know of other blogs, let us know and we'll had them to the list !

Last updated on: 07.03.2024

Culture

@pluralcultureis @polyfragcultureis @narccultureis

Community

@sys-polls @anti-endo-safe-space @system-hottakes @tales-from-systok @tales-from-sysblr @tales-from-syscord

Vent

@sys-confessions @antiendovents @system-vent

Positivity

@cdd-joy @positivitycombopack

Templates, userboxes and flags

@crows-templets @zero-templates @electricalstemplates @systemuserboxes @systemtermz @flagsandtags @hydra-creates

Resources

@atlas-duo

A very special thanks to @the-hydra-sys who helped us so much in making this masterlist.

why endos dni? /nm/genq

(Sorry for the delay in responding)

As previously mentioned on this blog, I want my blog to be a purely traumagenic system space. As a traumagenic system myself I believe I have every right to ask for a space that does not include those who have different fundamentals than me. I have seen so many people attacked for believing that trauma is the only way to form a system (this is what I believe as well) by self labeled endogenic systems who say they accept everyone. I have no problem with speaking civilly and being kind to those who disagree with me, as long as we can both agree that bullying from the safety of a screen is not okay.

The same way LGTBQAI+ individuals may want a community without straights to help them feel safe, this doesn’t mean I’m labeling all individuals who identify as endogenic a bully, I’m simply trying to eliminate the possibility of ever making this space hostile.

If you are an endogenic reading this, know that I have no right to tell you you are invalid. You may very well be experiencing the same things as I am with a different label on it. That being said, if you are an endogenic I ask that you steer clear of my blog to help those who don’t trust your community, that has repeatedly attacked them.

Thanks for the question/gen

-Apollo

Hello mutual of mine! I saw ya in m notes and wanted to say hello! How are you?

(You liked my some of my Percy Jackson reblogs and thus being the autism i am I have to ask if you like pjo)

- @crow-collective15

Hey mutual! I’m doing pretty well, thanks for checking in!

And yes, I love pjo, I really need to finish trial of Apollo though, I’m almost done and have the last two books just sitting on my shelf because I havnt been motivated enough to read anything 😭

So….. I got the results back the other night. After four and a half weeks of obsessively checking my email waiting for them to be sent.

Unspecified Dissociative Disorder

I’m We’re officially diagnosed

I haven’t really taken the time to process because in the two days before I got the results I’ve come out to my friends and family as a trans guy and most of that went well but not all of it. My mind has been very occupied by the euphoria of not having to pretend and not worrying who misgenders me because the people who matter would never do that.

So I have not yet taken that proper time and space to think about the diagnosis at all. When I opened the email it was 2:30 AM and I had to be up for work in three hours so I needed sleep. Which is partially why it took me three days to post this.

So Im getting to the point of dealing with and processing the emotions of finally being validated while also having confirmation that I can’t just ignore it till goes away cause it’s more than my imagination. And then figuring out what that will mean going forward in my life.

For the time being I’m going to start posting on here again. I’ve been avoiding putting anything on here because I DID NOT want to think about the results until they were in.

Anyways, that’s the life update. Hope you guys have a good day/night

-Apollo

I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.

Basically there are three ways this can go.

They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.

They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.

They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.

Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.

I hate it when the host wears a skirt and then I switch in and have to deal with it. Like come on, I don’t want to see my legs, what do you take me as?

-Hunter

Yep. This. Literally this.

There are SO many things that I didn't realize I actually experienced because the descriptions of those symptoms sound like they're saying something else.

About 85-95% percent of our memories are in third person but I totally thought most people had that to a good extent until I talked to several people who not only thought it was super weird, but also didn't even know what I was saying because the very idea of it is so foreign.

This is why discussions of dissociation in CDD spaces REALLY should be only for 'traumagenic' systems. Whether you believe you can be a system without trauma, if you don't believe you have the trauma or the disorder caused by it, you shouldn't be in spaces for those trying to figure out how to manage disorder.

Also the mental health medical system sucks ass. We need more professionals who can actually bridge the gap between text book definitions and what it actually fucking looks like. We went to an evaluation and downplayed our symptoms so fucking much because we didn't think they fit the written descriptions (and growing up being gaslit into believing we're overreacting about everything). We got a very noncommittal place holder diagnosis from that appointment, that we waited six months and drove 2 hours for, probably because we told the doctor we didn't have amnesia because we had no fucking idea what emotional or grey out amnesia was, AND we didn't know that you can have black outs and not realize anything. is missing. We figured the lack of 'waking up' and not remembering how we got where we were, meant that we had zero amnesia. But holy shit is that wrong.

Anyways. All that to say, OP, you are not the only one who experiences this.

-Apollo (maybe?)

Sometimes I genuinely hate that I have a disorder where I take things literally.

Especially when that's intersectioned by CDD spaces where a lot of the descriptions of dissociation are hard to relate to, despite having several periods of time where strong dissociation is the only explanation.

And it's not even necessarily because I can't relate to them, it's just that my brain gets caught on the literal wording of that experience and immediately thinks that I can't experience that because I don't feel that specific way.

Does anyone else reading this feel the same?

Because I hear descriptions like feeling like you're outside of your body or over the shoulder, and I never feel like I experience that in real time. It only happens with memories, where a ton of those are in third person.

There are periods of time where I want a certain drink, but my brain fights to find the right word because several different parts of me want a different drink, even though I know that I want the specific drink that my brain suddenly can't recall the word for.

Honestly, I feel like 90% of my dissociation happens without me being able to cognitively recognize when it's actively happening, and I only realize after looking back that I remember maybe the bare fucking minimum.

And I dunno, maybe I've just been dissociated for so much of my life that it's so normal to me that I don't even know it's dissociation. It's really hard to parse what is and isn't normal when you 1) are neurodivergent and 2) see your normal as normal.

If any of you out there have any other descriptions of what dissociation can look like I would love to hear them, because that's the only way my brain will get over the mental block / confused phase of trying to understand.

There’s nothing quite like watching your source and being traumatized by what your future would have held.

-Izuku

So, the host’s boyfriend came and talked to us, made sure we were okay, that was cool. I ended up talking it out and feeling much better afterwards.

So that’s nice.

-renfield

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield

Update, we went to the doctor and she was very concerned by our symptoms but didn’t actually do a POTS test like we hoped she would. She told us a cardiology would do it but we don’t have the money to see a specialist. So instead we’re going to see if we can get tested at our local health department tomorrow. Will let you guys know.

I did put on my old Apple Watch to track my heart rate and it has such a high range. Just through the day my hr will jump from 86-130 cause I stand up.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo