Please, Shower Me With Your Questions.

Serious TW for SH

No photos or graphic depictions

I relapsed into sh recently, and only now told my bf. I told him that if he was mad I understood. And that if it changes anything between us I’ll work hard to repair it. I said it all by text at midnight, fully expecting him to be asleep. But he instantly called me, told me really gently that he wasn’t mad, that he understands it in pain and this is how I cope. He said it’s not okay that I do it, but that he understands and that nothing is going to change just because I didn’t tell him right away.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this man.

-Apollo

Touches you with my traumagenic median fingers

I’m gonna be honest I have no idea when this showed up in my asks I continually forget to check that thing.

Anyways

Boops you back

As previously stated, I have no quarrels with those who believe something different than me as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. A lot of the endogenic community is great at hurting people so as a default I ask them to steer clear of my page to keep my followers feeling safe. But if you can chill, believe whatever the hell you want. That has nothing to do with me.

Me: goes through trauma

My alters: split just to hide it from me

Me: finds it again

Me and my alters:

Oh how I wish I would just split a Loki fictive already

-Apollo

Just realized I have a sensory issue with sweat running down my face/neck. So whenever I have to mow the lawn and it’s like 90 degrees out (not an exaggeration) I always have a mental breakdown because of the sensory issues of sweat and bugs and having pots making the whole fucking experience miserable. And to top it all off, I get inside and my parents yell at me for taking more than one day to do it cause our yard is big and I always want to cry the entire time I do it. Like come on, if you want it done faster go fucking do it yourself, this is how I have to do it, if you have a problem with how it happens then find someone else who will do it your way.

Nothing came or the first couple appointments besides a week wearing a heart monitor. It’s all very annoying and I cant continue to pay the $90+ that my insurance doesn’t cover each appointment. So instead I’m going to ask a different primary care (one I can see via video instead of in person) about getting a referral to a tilt table test. Let’s see how this fricken goes. Will update in like three hours after my appointment.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo

I hate it when people are aware that I’m not the host, then proceed to treat me like I am then.

-Hunter

[Box 1: Text: This system doesn't like being referred to as parts.

Box 2 Text: This system is asking you to stop calling us parts please.]

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One of the most validating things you can do as a system is try to act like one of your alters, you will very quickly realize you can’t, because it’s just not you. So whenever you need a validation boost, turn on a camera so you can look back on it, and then pick one of your alters and pretend to be them for a few minutes. It’ll look stiff and awkward and not quite right. Because it’s not them.

This tip has been from Apollo. Goodnight people’s

Yep. This. Literally this.

There are SO many things that I didn't realize I actually experienced because the descriptions of those symptoms sound like they're saying something else.

About 85-95% percent of our memories are in third person but I totally thought most people had that to a good extent until I talked to several people who not only thought it was super weird, but also didn't even know what I was saying because the very idea of it is so foreign.

This is why discussions of dissociation in CDD spaces REALLY should be only for 'traumagenic' systems. Whether you believe you can be a system without trauma, if you don't believe you have the trauma or the disorder caused by it, you shouldn't be in spaces for those trying to figure out how to manage disorder.

Also the mental health medical system sucks ass. We need more professionals who can actually bridge the gap between text book definitions and what it actually fucking looks like. We went to an evaluation and downplayed our symptoms so fucking much because we didn't think they fit the written descriptions (and growing up being gaslit into believing we're overreacting about everything). We got a very noncommittal place holder diagnosis from that appointment, that we waited six months and drove 2 hours for, probably because we told the doctor we didn't have amnesia because we had no fucking idea what emotional or grey out amnesia was, AND we didn't know that you can have black outs and not realize anything. is missing. We figured the lack of 'waking up' and not remembering how we got where we were, meant that we had zero amnesia. But holy shit is that wrong.

Anyways. All that to say, OP, you are not the only one who experiences this.

-Apollo (maybe?)

Sometimes I genuinely hate that I have a disorder where I take things literally.

Especially when that's intersectioned by CDD spaces where a lot of the descriptions of dissociation are hard to relate to, despite having several periods of time where strong dissociation is the only explanation.

And it's not even necessarily because I can't relate to them, it's just that my brain gets caught on the literal wording of that experience and immediately thinks that I can't experience that because I don't feel that specific way.

Does anyone else reading this feel the same?

Because I hear descriptions like feeling like you're outside of your body or over the shoulder, and I never feel like I experience that in real time. It only happens with memories, where a ton of those are in third person.

There are periods of time where I want a certain drink, but my brain fights to find the right word because several different parts of me want a different drink, even though I know that I want the specific drink that my brain suddenly can't recall the word for.

Honestly, I feel like 90% of my dissociation happens without me being able to cognitively recognize when it's actively happening, and I only realize after looking back that I remember maybe the bare fucking minimum.

And I dunno, maybe I've just been dissociated for so much of my life that it's so normal to me that I don't even know it's dissociation. It's really hard to parse what is and isn't normal when you 1) are neurodivergent and 2) see your normal as normal.

If any of you out there have any other descriptions of what dissociation can look like I would love to hear them, because that's the only way my brain will get over the mental block / confused phase of trying to understand.

Glad I could help 😊-Apollo

One of the most validating things you can do as a system is try to act like one of your alters, you will very quickly realize you can’t, because it’s just not you. So whenever you need a validation boost, turn on a camera so you can look back on it, and then pick one of your alters and pretend to be them for a few minutes. It’ll look stiff and awkward and not quite right. Because it’s not them.

This tip has been from Apollo. Goodnight people’s