Had Our First Therapy Session This Morning With An Actual Trauma Informed Therapist/physiatrist. And

This was a reply on a response to an ask. In the post I mentioned why I don’t want endogenic systems on my page. I’ve said it a few times but here’s it again for those who missed it or were asleep in the back of the classroom.

My experience with the Endo community hasn’t been totally terrible, but I have seen their bad side. A lot of other traumagenic systems have been targeted by the endo community because of their difference in opinions. This can come in many forms including attacking trauma only discord servers, targeting those with opposing view points, cyber bullying, and spreading hate and discourse.

People tend to feel attacked when their viewpoint is challenged, whether they’re being attacked or not. And people who are insecure in their identity or view point (as I believe many endos are) tend to lash out when they feel that way. I don’t want to say anyone is a bad person, I’m just pointing out patterns I have seen and heard of over and over. A lot of endos have resorted to hate and cyber bullying when they find those who don’t believe them.

Now this isn’t to say that the traumagenic community hasn’t also been hurtful. I’ve seen plenty of people attacking every endo or supporter they see based on their past experiences with a different endo or supporter.

Now here comes the really messy part. Even if endos aren’t purposely hurting those who aren’t in their community, they are actively spreading misinformation that can seriously damage the public view of systems. By making claims like “you can choose to be like this” or that it’s all fun and games warps the reality of the pain and trauma that is associated with dissociative disorders. And by spreading a false narrative it makes it harder for those struggling to be taken seriously.

Just to be clear I do not condone any kind of attacks or targeting of endos or their community. I am perfectly happy to coexist as long as they stay in their own lane.

Have a good day -Apollo/Elizabeth

Hey, Apollo here going through some host denial, as usual. Does anyone else have symptoms that present really covert unless with people who know about the disorder?

Cause we’ll be very covert and not always aware that we’re switching unless we’re with a certain group of friends. When we’re with those specific people we dissociate a lot more when switching and subconsciously unmask a lot more.

Is that normal for you guys?

To the hosts out there reading, this post is for you!

You're doing god's work (for your sys) and i applaud you for that as this role takes a lot of responsibility and out-time longer than any other parts in the system. I do admit it's hard to be one, and i do understand your inner struggles.. which is why i'm going to talk about this topic: deeply rooted sense of denial.

Yes, there's a lot of validating posts out there which is why i decided to join in and give my own pov in purpose of covering more stuffs than other people had done. Those things won’t be repeated here, fyi.

Q: Why do hosts tend to have more denial than others?

A: Actually, its not the type of role that guarantees you into having more denial compared to different parts, everyone can have it, in varying degrees. This is more about HOW hosts can have higher amounts of denial.

Q: But what's making them having denial, what's your "how"?

A: They're the one being outside most of the time and usually busy functioning in real life which leaves little to no room for attention to notice other parts roaming around or see the innerworld. They may subconsciously feel they are more "real" than other parts as the rest don't get the same chance to be out like hosts.

It can also stem from self doubt or imposter syndrome,, but generally from the discovery of being a system after a long time of living without knowing it, sometimes accepting a change or realization is already hard by itself. Lack of proof to validate the condition also works, because hosts usually got hidden away from traumatic memories which creates an assumption of not being “too bad” to have one.

Q: If someone feels the denial/doubt, what should be done?

A: Only being told “that’s denial” won’t actually solve the problem, other than proofs of not being aware of time gaps and ‘less bad’ memories it still feels a pretty weak answer. So, some questions that will work better are:

“Why do you think you can’t be a system?”

”Are you aware of any hazy or blurry memories of your life? What is the reason for it to happen?”

”In denial, have you ever thought of trying to find some clues and take account and think of it rather dismissing it right away?”

”how do you currently feel when you’re questioning the existence of other parts?” (This is for self awareness and managing panic before it spirals)

“Is there any other way to describe your situation?”

“Do you think the experiences you’ve seen in yourself is equivalent what a system looks like? (using other’s experiences can work)”

I have made a dedicated post on handling this so if you’d like to educate yourselves or see the solutions, click here. Another thing that i want to say is to be transparent with each other and communicate in a 2-way,, nothing will get solved if things are always kept away from each other.

One last thing i’d want to tell to all the hosts out there is that they deserve a break, a time out from the world. Nothing will go wrong,, no, your other parts are capable and responsible enough to cover for you when you’re resting. I really advice to anyone reading this that being burnt out and pushing against it is never good,, what do you get out of it? Just extra debt of depleted energy and even more problems be it cognitively or emotionally, only you know.

so please take care of yourselves, you’re the most important role when it comes to creating a functional life outside for your system, so you should take proper breaks keep your best condition to work too <3

- j

So, the host’s boyfriend came and talked to us, made sure we were okay, that was cool. I ended up talking it out and feeling much better afterwards.

So that’s nice.

-renfield

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield

GUESS WHAT FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED?

-I think you know who it is

Me: goes through trauma

My alters: split just to hide it from me

Me: finds it again

Me and my alters:

Oh how I wish I would just split a Loki fictive already

-Apollo

We really need to choose comfort shows that are actually, you know… comforting.

Just started rewatching one of our favorite shows and I honestly don’t remember it being so heart wrenching wrenching.

Anyways. *wipes tears and starts new episode* Back to it.

-Apollo? Maybe??

Before you judge me, please read the whole thing.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s definitely true that fictives aren’t their source, and you can’t judge a fictive based on their source, that being said, isn’t it okay for a fictive struggling with being triggered by source trauma to set healthy boundaries?

It’s like if you have medical trauma and you don’t like going to the doctors because of a bad experience. You aren’t saying that all doctors are evil because you don’t want to get a check up. You’re just admitting that you aren’t in a healthy spot to deal with that trauma or any reminders of it.

There are definitely situations where people misuse the “DNI” and make blanket statements, but I believe it’s totally plausible to believe fictives aren’t their source, and still put down a boundary to help you feel okay.

If that boundary is put down so you can villainize alters with specific sources, then yeah you’re being problematic. But otherwise I see no issue with distancing yourself from something triggering for you

"fictives aren't their source" and "(source) fictives DNI" do NOT belong in the same bio.

[Text: This system is really good at masking, and it doesn't make them any less of a system.]

Like/Reblog if you save or use!

We need to stop consuming gravity falls media and fan art. Specifically Ford related stuff. I can PHYSICALLY FEEL our brain storing the character away in some dark pit in our head for later use when we next split. And let me tell you we do NOT need another deeply traumatized character living rent free in our head.

-Angelo, the current deeply traumatized character living rent free in our head.

Nothing came or the first couple appointments besides a week wearing a heart monitor. It’s all very annoying and I cant continue to pay the $90+ that my insurance doesn’t cover each appointment. So instead I’m going to ask a different primary care (one I can see via video instead of in person) about getting a referral to a tilt table test. Let’s see how this fricken goes. Will update in like three hours after my appointment.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo