I’m Sorry I Destroyed You - Bucky X Reader

i will not ask you why you were creeping (in some sad way i already know)

this is part three to this azriel and his best friend fic :)

azriel x reader

word count: 5.8k

warnings: mentions of bad family dynamics and childhood trauma, mentions of canon typical violence

summary: starfall has passed, but the revelations of the night keep her anxious and a little embarrassed. there's nothing like having a best friend to ease all your worries - until he goes on a mission, that is

a/n: here it is finally!! I hope you enjoy it and make sure to let me know what you think :) all feedback is welcome! if you want to be added to the taglist let me know here

“Oh, he did not say that!”

“I swear to the Mother, Az! And he looked so pompous too!” a rare laugh bubbled out of the shadowsinger’s lips. He was sitting up over the navy blue covers of his bed, almost doubled over, his stomach hurting from laughter.

“I cannot believe you kept this story from me for a full week” she giggled in response.

The pair of best friends were currently locked inside Azriel’s bedchambers, after she came running into his room about an hour earlier with one groaned out in exasperation explanation - “Cassian and Nesta,” she had practically growled out while throwing herself head first into his pillows “again! It’s the fifth time this week!”

The cause for her visit in his chambers may have been out of a need to escape the sounds that the mated pair made, but Azriel welcomed her with open arms and a big smile, as always. That was one thing about her best friend - there was always some form of smile on his face, each time he saw her.

It was special, that he reserved those moments for her only - and their other family members too - sweet, even.

“You got any other recent stories from your studio for me?” Azriel asked with a quirked eyebrow as he settled back against his bed, biting on one of the freshly baked cookies she had brought with her.

“Not really, you know. Starfall season is over so there’s not that many customers now” she had opened up a dressmaker studio a few decades earlier, despite Azriel’s insistence that she did not have to work, that Rhysand had enough money to support her.

But she had wanted to work.

She never had the chance to before and even though it initially came as another piece of defiance against her parents - she had a need for many of those when she first fled her hometown - it quickly became a great passion of hers.

Dresses were one of the few things from her old life that she did really love, despite how poorly she used to make them for the first few years. She’s pretty sure Rhysand had spent more money to keep it open than the shop actually made. He would never admit it to her though. Now, however, she was one of the most renowned dressmakers in Velaris.

She still pictured her parents' faces if they found out she was a working female now. This was one of the few things they couldn’t bring her down about.

Yes, it was outrageous that a highborn female like her chose to work - with her hands too - but she was successful at what she did. They could insult her about it all they liked, but they couldn’t take her skills away from her.

Sometimes it felt like a sole proof that she could do well in life without them, without their money and prospects and marriage and the golden cage she had spent her youth in.

Sometimes it felt like a lifeline to hold onto, when anxiety and guilt wrecked her guts.

She was still, so, so embarrassed about starfall. She woke up the morning after already dreading seeing Azriel again after he saw her fall apart like that.

Despite it not being the first time. Despite it likely not being the last time either.

But he acted as though nothing had happened - took her out to breakfast before helping her tidy up the studio for opening in a few days.

She knew that the good weeks now were like sunlight before the storm. She could feel the unease already brewing deep inside her. The two months mark would be here soon and- she didn’t even want to think about the mess that would follow.

Azriel knew. Of course he did.

He acted calmly, though, maybe so she could anchor herself to him, try and mirror his behaviour. He made sure she knew he was there for her, offering more long flights over the Velaris skyline than usual or bringing her new fruit flavoured pastries from a bakery down the street to her studio.

Only he could act like that and make it not feel like pity.

She didn’t know how to express gratitude, so she resolved to baking. Example: the cookies they were both currently snacking on.

She had just finished hers and now she lay flat on her stomach, playing with the shadows curling around her fingers.

“They’re so cute” Azriel visibly stopped in his tracks, the hand holding his cookie up to his mouth freezing

“Excuse me?” she glanced up at him

“Your shadows. They’re cute” her eyes momentarily gained focus after sensing Az’s startled reaction, a hint of sharp amusement awakening in them. He opened his mouth to argue, but before he could say anything, his shadows just about tripled in quantity. Curling and brushing around her whole body, twining around her fingers and lifting individual strands of her hair into the air.

Her eyes widened and she let out a giggle.

“Stop this. Right now.”

“I’m not even doing anything!”

“You know exactly what you’re doing” she burst out laughing at that, genuine joy shining off her eyes

“I’m not doing shit, it’s them!” and Azriel was shaking his head, nothing but fondness in his eyes as he looked at her, laying there in his sheets and blankets, catered to by his shadows. Something akin to a string pulled at his rib.

Eventually, Azriel spoke “Fine” he shrugged his shoulders and brought the cookie back up to his mouth to bite. t was intimate to see him so at ease. Laying in bed, posture and body fully relaxed shadows leisurely curling around the entirety of the room. It was vulnerable how safe they both were in each other’s presence.

“Fine?”

“You’re their favorite. Can’t argue with that” he said between chews.

She gasped, quirking up, legs bent and kicking in the air. “You really think so?” Azriel laughed softly.

“Of course I do”

She pursed her lips, and poked her cheek with her tongue in contemplation. Finally, she huffed “You’re making me blush so we’re changing the subject,” he was shaking his head again, smiling softly at her, arms bent behind his head, resting against the headboard.

“Any missions this week?”

“Yeah. One in the continent. Tomorrow” a bit of loaded silence followed, and then

“What? Really?” his eyes softened when he noticed how she visibly deflated. She stopped kicking her legs, the fingers playing with his shadows stilling their movement too.

“I just found out today, sweetheart. But it should only last one day”

“Yeah, okay then” she moved up the bed to sit next to him, moonlight reflecting against her nightgown “Promise you’ll be careful?”

Azriel could swear something even the Mother herself could not explain was happening to his heart.

His fingers clenched and unclenched as he fought the urge to do something. Gods, he was barely able to breathe when the sweet scent of her shampoo hit his nose and there she was kneeling next to him like it was nothing.

Green eyes wide, hopeful and waiting looking up at him and golden-brown curls cascading down her shoulders and over her breasts.

She was in his bed, covered in his scent, shadows and blankets, clad in nothing but a nightgown after bringing him godsdamned cookies to eat.

How was he expected to function properly?

Her full lips parted when he brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Of course I promise, angel,” Azriel replied with a raspy voice. And with that, the night went on.

After a while, her movements started to become slower, sluggish even. Sleepy girl.

“Tired?” she only nodded.

He sometimes wondered whether the reason behind how often she became sleepy when next to him was because she felt safe.

Mother, he hoped it was.

The alternative was far more daunting and sent a spike of alarm through his mind - was she overworking herself at the studio? No, surely his shadows would have informed him of that.

“Want me to walk you to your room?” his heart clenched awaiting her response, before immediately warming up when she said:

“What, you won't let me sleep here? No sympathetic cuddle for your best friend?” her smile was sheepish as she already lowered herself onto the pillow he usually slept on.

Azriel chuckled, laying down next to her, bringing the covers and a wing to keep her ever chilly body warm.

“All the cuddles my best friend wants, she gets”

“Wake up,” there was a voice disturbing her sleep. Azriel’s voice. “Sweetheart. Wake up”

“Leave me alone”

A chuckle escaped Azriel’s lips as he crouched in front of his bed. He let her sleep in when he sneaked out of bed earlier to get ready for his mission.

Partially because he had wanted to let her sleep in, and partially because she turned into a demon whenever someone tried to wake her up.

“Come on, angel,” he brushed a hand down her hair. She was laying on her side, facing him, features relaxed.

A familiar feeling warmed his chest to see her like that. And he hated that he had to leave, that he couldn’t get under the covers next to her and-. He has work to do.

Azriel tried again in a soft, warm tone “Open your eyes”

The groan she let out was bordering on growling “Seriously Azriel if you don’t-”

“I have to go”

A bit of silence ensued, her brow furrowed and then she was groaning again, turning onto her back. “Your mission wouldn’t get ruined if you slept for an extra hour, for Mother’s sake”

He didn’t say anything, waiting for her to open her eyes.

After a few seconds she scooted closer to him, but stayed on the bed. She draped her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder, barely awake.

Sleepy, grumpy girl.

The movement made him sway and spread out his wings to balance himself. Absent-mindedly, he buried his nose in her hair.

“Be careful. And come back to me quickly, alright?”

“Alright. I promise”

She slowly raised herself up onto her elbows, eyes lidded, still half asleep, movements slow. “M’ sorry if I was mean”

“You were actually quite nice. For your standards”

“Hmph”

“Go back to sleep. I’ll be back for dinner” before his sentence was out, she had already laid back on the bed and snuggled her face into his pillow.

“M-” she yawned, eyes drifting close “Mkay”

After sparing one lengthy glance at her soundly sleeping form in his sheets, Azriel was out the door to meet Rhysand who would give him some final instructions.

He would also give him shit for making him wait for the extra fifteen minutes that the spymaster spent trying to coax his best friend awake.

He wouldn’t pay it any mind.

The day at the studio was incredibly boring, as she had expected. The post-starfall lull came every year without fail.

At one point she had considered closing shop for the day, but working seemed to be good on her mind.

Working meant she didn’t worry about her parents, and about Azriel. Who hadn’t even told her what his mission was about. Or where exactly it was.

Was it because she had talked over him so much that he hadn’t even had the chance? Gods, she hoped not. And she hoped he wasn’t offended she fell asleep on him mid-conversation, again.

It kept happening and she wanted to stay awake for longer to spend more time with him, the Mother knew she did, but her eyes always closed on their own accord. Which was especially strange considering that for most of her youth, she had huge trouble with sleep.

Whether it was waking up in terror in the dead of night, or being unable to fall asleep at all - she had dreaded almost every nightfall back in her family estate. Even though it was the only time she could ever really be herself - unjudged and unguarded.

She shook her head - those years were well past her.

Well, she hoped so, at least.

The day passed quickly - she spent it starting up on some projects that she may or may not finish just in time for spring to arrive.

Except for when a few customers came in, the quiet of the shop had been filled with her soft humming. And a little bit of talking to herself.

Well, not entirely to herself. She spoke to the shadow that Azriel always left with her when he left on missions. Or the shadow stayed behind on its own whim, as her best friend never mentioned leaving it with her.

Either way, with Azriel away, it was the sole subject of her babbling. Up until afternoon, that is, when Elain Archeron came into the shop.

She was alerted with the presence of a new customer, courtesy of the bell hanging over the door.

“Just a second! I’ll be right there!” she squealed out from the backroom. She hadn’t expected any more customers today, especially so near closing.

“Oh, it’s alright!” came a soft voice from the main room of the shop “Take your time”

“Oh, hi Elain!” she said walking to greet her friend “What brings you here?”

“I was just running some errands and wanted to check up on you” if even Elain of all people resorted to this gentle handling and coddling her, then she didn’t even want to imagine what would go down on dinner tonight.

They all still talked about starfall, then.

She appreciated the worry, she really did, but frankly there was nothing for them to do. And she couldn’t ask a High Lord to send out a letter telling her father to frankly, fuck off. Even though he probably would, if it came to it. But she did not want to let someone else handle her life for her, ever again.

She would be fine. Even if dismissing the whole situation probably didn't prove that she could, in fact, fix all of her problems on her own.

The female must have noticed her lack of response and opened her mouth to say something, but she was quickly cut off “I’m fine, Elain, really” she told her friend with a tight lipped smile.

“Are you sure?” something about the look in the middle Archeron sister’s eyes told her she didn’t entirely believe her. Elain gripped both of her hands in hers and continued on “Because if you’re not-”

“I’m alright, really” she assured

“Well, if you say so” the female dipped her head sheepishly, words slow and unsure.

“Can we change the subject, please?” she walked toward the counter near the back of the studio “I have these new projects here, maybe you could take a look…”

The two females ended up taking more than just one look at the projects, as they were now, well over an hour later, sitting on the wooden floor of the shop, papers scattered around them.

Elain gasped as she looked at the time, saying she was supposed to meet with Lucien in a few minutes. She left quickly after complimenting her unfinished works.

She stood up from the floor, wiping her hands on the skirts of her dress. She had a bit of time for a general clean up before Cassian came to fly her to the house for family dinner.

She sighed out through her nose and fixed the ribbon holding half of her hair up. If she was perfectly honest with herself, she would say that she’d much rather hide in her bedroom all night than deal with more coddling from her family.

Maybe it was some long-ago built in shame for expressing vulnerability. She was supposed to sit pretty, quiet and pliant. What was scary was how sometimes, when she fell apart or was especially exhausted - that was a form she craved taking.

But she was alright now and it was ridiculous for her to require this much attention from the people around her.

As she went on with tidying up the studio, her mind wandered over to Azriel. She worried for him, as she always did, but she knew how experienced and seasoned he was. The mission wasn’t anything for him to even bat an eye over, she was sure.

And anyway, he was probably already on his way home.

Azriel did not yet appear to be on his way home. Her stomach churned as she squirmed in Cassian’s arms.

“What do you mean ‘he hasn’t reported to Rhys yet?’” she looked up at him, and wide eyes demanding explanation

“I’m sure he’s alright, seriously. I did not mean to worry you” Cassian replied with a light voice as he soared over the city. When she didn’t reply he looked down to find her still staring at him sternly, jaw clenched and eyes squinted. Uneasy in his arms. “If I knew this would be how you’d react, I’d never would have told you”

“Well that’s comforting, Cassian.” he bristled a bit, eyes softening at her worry.

“He probably just got held up somewhere. This has happened before, remember?” Cassian tried to reason “He usually comes home late”

“But he always reports it, no?”

Cassian sighed, adjusting his grip on her.

“I’m just worried, Cass”

“I know. But he’s fine, I’m sure of it”

Her worry had not eased one bit in the next half hour.

After immediately taking notice of Azriel’s absence at dinner, unease started to creep up her chest. It was possibly a bit unreasonable to get overly worried, this soon. This wasn’t the first time he was late from a mission.

But why hasn’t he reported back?

Everyone else at the table seemed to think exactly the same way Cassian did - that everything was fine. But she had a bad feeling about this.

She swore she could feel worry and anxiety in her chest as though someone had tied a string to her rib and actively pulled it. But with some more convincing from the inner circle, she chose to dismiss the worry for a little while.

If he didn’t get back when they were done eating, that’s when she would seriously start worrying.

“So, I heard you and Azriel are going on a trip to Summer Court soon?” Feyre asked in a light tone, a fair try at deflecting the conversation.

“What? Summer?” Cassian gasped at hearing the question. He looked at her, eyes wide with betrayal. “You guys know I can’t go!”

Nesta chuckled, patting her mate’s arm.

“You’ll live, big guy”

“Well,” she looked at Cassian, and smiled sheepishly “that’s because Az and I were planning on going alone”

Cassian just sat there, mouth hanging open, staring at her in disbelief. Nesta was fighting her smirk; Feyre, Elain and their respective mates were chuckling, while Mor was outright laughing in Cassian’s face.

“And you all knew about this?”

Silence, broken by a few giggles, engulfed the dining room of the House of Wind.

“Traitors” Cassian huffed, slumping back in his chair with his arms crossed.

And for a moment, a comforting lightness came over her. Her friends were all laughing, the evening was peaceful and Azriel surely would be home safe and sound soon.

That feeling lasted all but about ten seconds before a sharp voice cut through it like a knife.

“Well, it’s good to know you and Azriel will be gallivanting around another court while we will be left to deal with your family, once they come here” Amren spoke smoothly from her chair at the other end of the table, eyes sharp and focused.

The room was casted in a heavy silence.

Before she could open her mouth to say something, Rhysand was already shaking his head in disapproval. Violet eyes held warning in them as he spoke to the female. “I think that’s enough, Amren”

She scoffed. “What, you make a show of breaking down over this on Starfall and now Azriel is taking you away to have a vacation just when things will get dirty here?”

“I-” she stammered. A doe closed into a corner. “We haven’t decided on when we’re going-”

“Like that’s the issue here” there was a hint of disdain in Amren’s voice as she replied, before bringing her wine glass to her lips.

She looked down at her like she was a bug under her shoe.

This was strange, even for Amren - yes, they were never close friends, but their relationship was also never outright hostile like this. “What exactly is it that you’re planning to do when your father does come here, eventually?”

She didn’t say anything. Shame, so distinct that she could actually feel it cutting into her chest, burned her as she looked around the room.

Wide eyes confused the glances the rest of the inner circles were exchanging as hostile against her, when in reality they were meant against Amren. She felt her breathing become shallow, and more shame licked at her.

Stupid, foolish girl.

“That’s enough.” Rhysand said with finality, at which Amren smirked but sat back and looked away. Nesta glared at her.

She should be fine. She shouldn’t need this defense, all this coddling. She hated that about the matter of her parents so much - the subject left her feeling so defenseless.

Any thought of them was like twisting a knife that had been stabbed through her for her whole life.

The worst thing was that deep down, she knew Amren was right.

She had no plan, no idea what to do, and did in fact hope that her summer court vacation would overlap with her family’s visit. If you could even call it a visit.

The word invasion crossed her mind.

Gods, what a mess this was. She was.

And most of all, she felt stupid for wishing Azriel was here. She shouldn’t need anyone. She usually didn’t need anyone.

She shook her head, not wanting to ruin the evening for herself more. There were things to worry about, now that they were halfway through eating and Azriel was still not here.

With a picked up heart rate and shaky hands, she went on eating her meal. She didn’t look up from her plate once, so she didn’t see the worried glances her friends were exchanging.

Not like it would’ve been better on her mind if she had.

She has been pacing her best friend’s bedroom for half an hour now.

He should be here. Something is wrong, for sure.

More and more nightmarish scenarios passed through her mind as she ran her hands through her hair for the thousandth time.

Just when she was about to step out of the room to find Rhys or Cassian and Nesta, the door opened.

She stopped dead in her tracks as she watched the shadowsinger stumble into his bedroom. Her eyes zeroed in on the hand he was clutching at his stomach. Red stained his fingers.

Her breathing went in and out in short gasps and she didn’t notice the surprise on Azriel’s face when he saw her there.

Her presence alone was enough reason for happiness for Azriel to forget the pain shooting through his abdomen.

The sight of her, however, was not.

Her usually composed hairstyle was a mess, and when she moved to stabilize him when he stumbled in her direction, he noticed the bit through the skin on her fingertips. The look on her face didn’t help either.

She was scared. Worried.

“Are you alright?”

She stopped dead in her tracks, again, and then with a furrowed brow looked down at his abdomen, and then back to his face.

“You’re hurt” her voice was strained, heavy

“I’ll be fine” he went to go inside his room, and she caught him when he almost fell “Just need to-” he gasped “Lay down”

“No, Az, you need help,” she directed him into the bathroom instead and led him to sit on the closed toilet lid. “Here, I’ll get Rhys to call Madja”

“No”

She gave him a stern look. Sweet, caring girl. “Azriel.”

“I can patch myself up,” he laid back against the wall “No healers. And I’ll be fine s’long as you’re here, angel. Been thinking about you all day” he said with closed eyes.

Gods, he must be delirious from the bloodlost, she thought.

If he won’t see Madja she’ll have to heal him herself. A bunch of shadows handed her a medic kit.

Time was a blur as she set everything out and went to start stopping the bleeding and healing the cut. She knelt before Azriel, movements quick, but precise. Her brow was furrowed with concentration, but worry, too.

Why hadn’t he let anyone know that he was hurt? What has happened?

Azriel hissed in pain as she disinfected the already healing wound. He would be fine, she exhaled in relief.

“Sorry,” she grimaced, looking up at him. “I’m almost done”

Azriel looked down at her through lidded eyes, a small smile donning his lips.

After a moment, when he still wouldn’t look away, she continued on her work with pink-tinted cheeks. Azriel’s stupid smile widened.

He could get stabbed everyday if it meant she would take care of him.

Soon, she was done and helped him to bed.

With assistance from his shadows, she had managed to change him into sleeping clothes. The wound was almost healed already, but she still bandaged it up, just in case.

She exhaled for what felt like the first time in hours. Gods, she knew something was wrong. Still, something inside her eased at having him back at her side, even if hurt. At least this way she could personally make sure he would be taken care of.

And she had to admit to herself, as selfish as it was, she was eternally glad to have him here after that cauldron damned dinner. A feeling of safety came back to her chest like a puzzle piece being set in place.

Now that he wasn’t actively losing blood, Azriel could think a little straighter. He sat against his pillows as she fluffed them up for him, brow still furrowed with worry. He lifted a finger to smooth the lines of her forehead.

“You should be better soon, Az. How do you feel?” she gripped his forearm in her hand. Her wide eyes bored into his hazel ones.

“I’m alright”

She let out a sigh in relief that he was at least feeling better. “I’ll tell Cassian that you won’t come to training and I’ll go to Madja for some tonics for you first thing in the morning. I also read somewhere that-”

“Sweetheart” he interrupted her gently “I’m alright, really. No need to do any of those things”

“No, Az, you’re not training tomorrow morning. No way” he straightened up a little when he saw the seriousness in her eyes. The worry, the stress. Gods, she must have really worked herself up over this.

“Alright, okay. I’m not training tomorrow” he murmured gently, reaching up to tuck away a strand of her hair that fell out of the meddled up hairstyle.

She breathed out, nodding.

Sweet girl.

There was an aspect of vulnerability to their relationship that made it quite different from any other ones in their lives.

For example, Azriel was the only one who knew the true details of her past. Of why she acted the way she did when the subject came up, and he knew how to handle her when she got soft and sensitive about it too. And she let him. Only him.

It went the other way around as well.

She knew everything about his childhood and why now so often he kept to the corners and the shadows.

Why he sometimes felt as if he should not touch her with his bare hands. And she knew how to coax out his soft side, too. In fact, after a while it started coming out around her against his own will. And after a while, he started to love it, how safe he felt around her.

But there were corners of his mind that Azriel was still too wary to let even her into. Corners that he visited in his nightmares and in his darkest moments, but ones that somehow felt all too powerful over him.

That’s why when a heavy silence encapsulated Azriel’s darkened bedroom, when the air became heavy and both their breathing shallow, when the pair realized just how close they are to each other and she looked at him wide eyed, so expectantly, as if something groundbreaking were about to happen, lips already opening for him- He pulled away.

That was why he started some meaningless conversation, trying to ignore the way her face fell when he sat back, further away from her.

That was why he hated himself a little more than on his worst days as he told her minor details of the beginning of his mission, eyes not missing the water lining her eyes.

He swore, his shadows had never scolded him as much in his entire life as in that moment. And they were right to.

The conversation went on until Azriel succumbed to the tiredness of being wounded and fell asleep. She watched his breathing even out, and then stared at him for a little while more.

Then, she debated going back to her room to sleep, but quickly rejected that idea. What if something happened to his wound while he was asleep? No, she should stay. But it also felt wrong to lay next to him after he-

No, she must have misinterpreted the situation. Azriel would never try to-

Right?

She tried to dismiss the thoughts from her mind.

Gods, what was wrong with her?

She laid down in an armchair she had dragged to the side of his bed. Her best friend was hurt, and here she was thinking about kissing him. About how she wanted to but-. This is not the time and place.

Sleep wouldn’t claim her for a long time, so she resorted to sitting there and counting her best friend’s breaths. After a while, their steady rhythm pulled her eyelids to close.

The room was still dark when Azriel opened his eyes. Moonlight streamed in through the opened curtains.

Azriel hissed as he turned around. A sharp pain pulled at this stomach and he looked down to see bandages wrapped around his torso. The wound must not have fully healed yet.

His eyes took in his surroundings and the first thing he noticed was that the armchair pulled up to his bedside.

And the person in it.

With a furrowed brow Azriel took in his best friend, still dressed in her work dress, curled in the chair in a position that must have been uncomfortable to fall asleep in.

What was she doing? Why hadn’t she laid down next to him? Possibilities passed through his mind, and finally he landed on the most probable one - that she wanted to watch him while he slept without disturbing him.

He shook his head as he started getting up. Selfless girl.

Too selfless for her own good, if it meant she would have to deal with back or neck pain in the morning.

But her care was a sweet feeling that even after decades of knowing her felt strange to Azriel. Any other member of his family would’ve known he could patch himself up and not worry themselves into madness about one singular stab wound that was nothing new for him.

Because he would’ve been fine. He had no doubt that if something actually life threatening were to happen to him, his family would take care of him.

It was a sweet, strange feeling that she would care over things he discarded as insignificant. That anyone would ever enjoy taking care of him, and willingly take time out of their day to do so.

He breathed out through his nose as he reached down to scoop her into his arms.

He hoped she wouldn’t wake, if only because she would scold him from carrying her when wounded.

And as he laid her on his bed, he thought about how there was one part of her he would probably never understand.

That unfiltered, unprecedented care she had for him. He knew he reciprocated it, that it went both ways, but somehow her care towards him seemed greater.

Maybe it was because he was harder to love. There were many more ugly sides to him that she frankly lacked.

Maybe because sometimes when he touched her he could feel that ugliness actually seep into her skin.

By the Mother, if he were any less of a selfish male he would’ve stopped this a long time ago. But neither did he have the honour to make her aware of his darkness, as cheap as that may sound, nor did he have the guts to make her his fully.

He couldn’t bear to taint her. Not as he looked at her face pressed into his pillow. Not as he thought about how soft her skin was under his fingertips. And certainly not as he thought about the endless streams of tears she let out as she seeked comfort and safety in him because of how badly she was treated by the people meant to love her.

She entrusted herself to him and he was to ruin her with himself, now?

He ran a hand through her hair as he felt his own hatred for himself run deeper and deeper.

Sometimes, in his worst nightmares, he saw something horrible happening to her. Such a tragic incident would make her his match. In his worst nightmares, she always knew that it was all his fault, and still decided to stay. Putting herself on a clear path to destruction, for him.

And, truth be told, he didn’t know what to make of it. What to do. This was one of the only areas in his life, where Azriel felt stuck.

He was hers, for eternity and he has known that for a very long time. But there was a part of him that couldn’t let her do that to herself. That couldn’t let her accept the curse of loving him.

Could he protect her from himself? Did he want to?

He used to think that he could accept this, whatever they had. Whatever form of friendship or relationship she would offer, he would grab handfuls of.

Now, however, he knew there was a problem that made his chest tighten, heart rate pick up and scarred hands clench and unclench when in close distance to her.

The impatience that grew simmering hot in Azriel, waiting to spill over.

taglist: @blonde-bansheee @k-homosapien @azysmate @brekkershadowsinger

if you want to be added, let me know here

“Does it ever stop hurting?” “No, you just make room for it.”

A/N: This is the first piece that I’ve ever written for MCU and also the first piece that I have ever dared to publish. I don’t have anyone to proofread my work so I but I hope that you like it. Please note that english is not my first language so there might be grammar mistakes (pointers and tips about my grammar are appreciated since I want to get better). 

Pairings: Bucky X Reader

Prompt: Reader and Bucky share moments of silence when recovering from nightmares and sleepless nights. Angst/Fluff (still trying to fully grasp the idea of types)

Warnings: none.. bad writing? 

Word count: 818

You gasped for air as you woke up from a bad nightmare. They were getting worse. Ever since you got back from that mission you’d been getting very bad nightmares, worse than the usual. It was understandable, that mission took a lot out of you and you were full of guilt. Hydra had taken you away, experimented on you, made you do things you didn’t want to do. You killed 15 people while under Hydra’s influence, with the drug they tested on you which made them control you. This lasted 5 months before your teammates, the avengers found you again.

Everyone was glad to find out that you had kept your memory once they were able to retract the substance Hydra had injected in you. You were too, but that also meant that you remembered every single person that you killed. You remembered their faces, how they begged for mercy and it haunted you. Every night they would appear in your nightmares and it scared you to know what you were capable off, drugged or not. What hurt the most was to feel the pain and finally understand at some level what your friend Bucky had to go through. You only knew a fraction off it, and it hurt you to know how much affect it had. It always had though, you always felt for him. You turned the on the lamp on your bed side table and looked around before standing up from your bed. You threw on a hoodie before you went down to the kitchen. You looked at the clock on the oven before reaching for the fridge, it was only 3am. 

 ‘’Hey Y/N’’ you jumped at the man’s voice causing you to drop the milk you were holding. You turned around to look at him. ‘’You scared the shit out of me, Bucky’’ you whisper trying not wake the others, if dropping the milk hadn’t already. You grabbed a towel to clean up the mess you had made while Bucky sat down by the kitchen island opposite where you were standing. 

‘’Couldn’t sleep?’’ Bucky asked after you threw the towel in the sink thinking you’d clean it up better tomorrow. You threw the empty carton away before grabbing a new one from the fridge.

,,No, not really, and you?’’ you answered as you take a moment to look at him. He seemed drained of energy as he shook his head. ‘’would you like some milk?’’ you asked as you poured milk in two glasses, not waiting on him to answer. Once you had poured into the glasses you handed one over to Bucky who shot you a weak but a genuine smile. You walked around the table and sat next to him. 

The pair of you sat in a comfortable silence for a moment drinking your milk and grabbing a few biscuits from the jar on the table. You took a moment to look at him while he sat there, contemplating how to approach him. The two of you had become close way before Hydra took you away. Neither one of you may have expressed it but you felt it in the way he treated you and approached you that you were someone that he trusted and that he was someone that you could trust. You considered each others as good friends, good allies and you felt comfortable in each others presence. 

‘’Does it ever stop hurting?’’ The words came out of your mouth before you could even think about it. You immediately regretted asking it, you didn’t want to disturb him any more and frankly, you weren’t sure if you wanted to know the answer to that question. 

He looked at you quite shocked at first but as you watched him you could see that he relaxed. He looked at you sympathetically before answering you ‘’No you just make room for it’’. You only looked down at your empty glass with a blank expression trying to process how the two of you always ended up sitting by this table, drinking your milk, trying to get over the nightmares. 

‘’But having someone like you helps me forget’’ your heart jumped at his words. You looked up at him and he gave you a bright smile. He hesitated, looking into your eyes before bringing his hand up to cup your cheek and placed a soft kiss on your forehead. You felt your cheeks get warm and red at the sudden affection which Bucky hadn’t shown you before. As he pulled away you looked at each others eyes and before you knew it you pulled Bucky closer and your lips crashed with his. He was a bit taken back by that kiss but it didn’t take him long to bring his hand to the back of your neck pulling you closer and deepening the kiss. You thought to yourself that in that moment the hurting stopped..

Please Don't Do It || Steve Rogers

Summary: It was the end, you couldn’t take it anymore, you decided to end your life. Until a certain handsome 97 year old finds you and tries to change your mind…

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, Depression, Reader Near-Death If you’re depressed or suicidal then, please please please ask for help. Ending your life is not worth it. You can talk to me ANYTIME, I don’t bite.

*Requests are open*

 •

 •

 •  

You were alone in your bedroom, laying on the bed as tears were rolling down your cheeks. You’ve been holding it in all day. Seeing all those people smiling an happily living made you want to die. You felt like you were drowning, expect you could see everyone else around you breathe. That’s what depression felt like.

That was it for you. No one understood your pain. No one wants to help. No one.

You made your way to the bathroom, making sure to stop by the mirror, wanting to take one last look at yourself. You hated what you became, you used to be such a happy person, but now it was too late. That joy and desire to live you used to carry has been robbed from you. But then Steve came, and for a while, everything seemed to be better… but it didn’t last, unfortunatly. Not wanting him to abandon you, you never told your lover about your depression. You felt like you were a burden to him, and expressing to him how you felt would just add more weight on his shoulder. You didn’t feel like you mattered.

But what you didn’t know, is none of that was true, you did matter. You did have people who cared about you, you just needed to be brave enough to ask for help, because you deserved someone to be there for you, and help you get through those difficulties. But it didn’t really matter anymore now, did it?

Sighing for what would maybe be the last time, you opened the cap of the bottle, pourring a part of its content in your hand.

Ready to swallow the pills, you shakingly brought the pills close to your mouth when you heard a familiar voice shout.

“Don’t do it, please don’t do it (Y/N) .” No, you told yourself, what is he doing doing here?

“Baby, please don’t do it. I can’t lose you too. Please just put those pills down, love.” He gently whispered.

“You don’t get it Steve, you just don’t. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep putting a fake smile on my face and pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I can’t live with those people who pretend to be my friends while they actually hate me. This world is cruel and I can’t live in it anymore. You can’t understand my pain, no one can Steven. You’re better off without me, you’ll find someone better, there’s so many pretty girls out there who would kill to be with you. Please just let me die Steve.”

You whispered the last sentence, not finding enough strengh to use your voice. Steve was fighting back his own tears, blaming himself for not noticing sooner, all the signs were there, if only he just paid more attention to you.

“(Y/N) Look at me.” At first you ignored him, feeling too ashamed to face him. “Baby, hey, look at me. You don’t have to pretend anymore, okay? From now on, I want you to be honest with me. I want to help you fight this, I want to help you. Do you know why? Because I love you, because you’re the only one I want, those other girls mean nothing to me. (Y/N) please, just let me spend the rest of my life showing you how important you are to me.”

As he went on with his speech, he slowly took the pills from your hands, and hid them in his pockets, you didn’t take any actions to try to stop him. You were just exhausted, all you wanted was someone to hold you and tell you everything would be okay.

Steve wrapped his arms around your fragile body. He then tightened his grip around you, never wanting to witness an event like this ever again.

“Please don’t let me go…” You desperately asked as you wrapped your arms around his neck, starting to sob once again.

He kissed your hair and your forehead multiple times as you both sat down on the floor.

“I’m not letting you go anywhere, baby. Everything will be okay.  We’ll get through this together love, we’ll get trough this together.”

You weren’t alone anymore, everything was finally going to get better.

I need new blogs to follow

Guys please if you post any of the following, let me know! I will follow everyone who likes/reblogs this.

panic! at the disco

twenty one pilots

shadowhunters

sherlock

doctor who

reign

how i met your mother

modern family

friends

basically if you blog any great tv shows i will follow you

MARVEL

i mean seriously if you post marvel stuff i will totally follow you

follow backs would be very appreciated but not necessary

His name is Aegon Targaryen.

Surprise...?

Based on Anonymous Prompt from Drabble Games: OMG. I think 73 would be perfect (replace CIA w/ hydra or shield I guess) if you’re up to doing it. Idc who with. You’re work is amazing btw and almost all of your Steve fics have me melting 😍

My parents dad thought I was working for an insurance company in New York when really I was joining the CIA S.H.I.E.L.D. so I just sort of never mentioned when I met you on an assassination-gone-wrong and now we’ve been married for five years and they still don’t know you exist, this has gotten wildly out of hand and you won’t stop laughing about it

A/N: OH MY GOSH I am so sorry this took me literally forever.  I filmed this week (and it went really well!) and then I was a little busy during the week and then I had severe writer’s block and I can give you a whole string of excuses but here it is (finally) and I am so, so sorry.  I’ll do my best to post at least one story every day until all the requests are filled (although don’t let this stop you from sending one in).

-

“It’s not funny, Steve,” you whine, struggling to keep a straight face.

“I don’t know, (Y/N).  I think it’s pretty damn funny.”

“Language,” you mutter.  Steve shakes his head.

“(Y/N), this is hilarious,” he laughs and you can’t help but giggle.  You love his laugh.  It’s absolutely infectious and entirely genuine and it’s one of the many things you love about your husband. 

“It’s really not,” you reply.  “He’s gonna kill me.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” he replies, his laughter finally starting to die out.

“My dad is gonna kill me,” you moan.  “Like, it’s bad enough that I lied to him about working for an insurance company, but now…the fact that I’m not only dating you, but have been secretly married to you for five years?  I’ll be lucky if I’m not disowned.”

“Why not just tell him we just started dating?” Steve suggests, and you can see that he’s on the verge of laughing.  “And then in a year, we can have a second, fake wedding.  And then you don’t have to tell him you work for S.H.I.E.L.D.”  You shake your head.

“First,” you say.  “We don’t want to have another wedding.  Because my dad will go crazy.  Fireworks, ice sculptures, doves, you name it, he’ll want it for the wedding.  Second, the minute he sees you, he’ll know that we must have met through S.H.I.E.L.D.”

“Tell him we met online,” he suggests and you snort.  

“‘Yes, Dad,’” you say mockingly.  “‘This is Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America.  I met him on eHarmony.’”

“I met you when I came to purchase insurance.”

“I’m pretty sure no company insures superheroes.”

“I ran into you at the coffee shop.”

“Since when do you have time to go get coffee?”

“Do you have a better solution?”

“Tell him the truth and pray to the gods of Asgard that he’s not too angry.”  Steve nods and looks at you curiously.

“Why now?” Steve asks.

“What do you mean?” you reply.

“Why are you finally coming clean to him now?” 

You look up at Steve and take a deep breath.  You reach into your pocket and pull out a small, folded piece of paper.  You hand it to him and watch as he unfolds it, his face slowly stretching into a smile.

“I figured he should know who the father of his grandkid is,” you beam.  

Steve looks at you with a look of pure happiness on his face.  He pulls you into a giant hug and kisses you gently.  

“Well, I think I can face any scary father-in-law now.”

-

You reach the restaurant where you’re meeting your dad.  Steve helps you out of the car, slipping his hand into yours as you walk inside.

You take a deep breath and decide it’s time to drop the second half of the bombshell.

“Steve, there’s something you should know,” you say as the waiter escorts you to the table.

“What is it?” Steve smiles and you savor the look on his face.  It might be the last time you see it tonight.

“My dad…he’s-”

“Steve?” 

You look up at find your father, Tony Stark, sitting at a table, a look of complete and utter shock on his face.

“Tony?”

An awkward, uncomfortable grin spreads across your face as both men turn to glare at you.

“Surprise…?”

TLOU2 and the Stages of Grief

To begin, here’s a quick crash course into the 5 Stages of Grief. 

There are five stages of grief; Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Although these are the identified stages, they are not experienced the same for everyone. People experience them occurring in different orders, experience each stage to different degrees, and in some cases people don’t experience all of the stages. Often times people in real life experience these stages without full completion due to how quickly the world moves and the responsibilities that society has put on an individual. Throughout the whole process, our own feelings and thoughts of mortality is brought up. But there is a common thread in each of the stages and that is Hope. While you may have lost someone you are still alive and there is hope that you will continue to live, or in some cases just survive.

Now that we’ve covered some basics to the 5 Stages of Grief, let’s really get into it in regards to The Last of Us Part II. There will be spoilers ahead.

Keep reading

Hot Chocolate Is Fabulous

Request/Prompt: Hey! Can you do the prompt “Hey, hey, calm down, they can’t hurt you anymore.” with Kurt Wagner? Thanks!

Note: I’ve never written Kurt (or taken a lot of notice to him - not trying to offend anyone but I don’t find him interesting much) but SURE!

“Milk,” you muttered, half asleep. You dragged yourself down the halls, trying to get to the kitchen, looking for a drink - you rarely slept a lot during the night, your powers stopped you from a lot of rest so you woke early. You dorm was on the other side of the institute so you had to walk past most of the other dorms to get to the kitchen. 

Lazily, you scratched the back of your neck, almost walking into a corner - waking you up a little bit more. You walked past a half open door that showed the inside of what you recognised to be Kurt’s room. As you tip-toed past you heard low mutterings, causing you to cease walking. You crept around the area, trying to listen out for the mumbles. 

They got the smallest bit louder and you realised that it wasn’t in English, which essentially made it worse as now you wouldn’t be able to figure out what they were saying. You pressed your ear against each door in the nearby area, not finding the source but as you began to walk away, you finally realised that it was coming from Kurt’s room. 

You slid between the gap of the door as it was already open and looked around for the blue man. “Kurt,” you whispered, not seeing him on his bed. You heard heavy breathing then a loud thump. “Kurt!” You gassed, climbing over his bed to see him on the floor of the other side.

“No,” he muttered, the only word you could understand in English. He crawled into a corner of his room then hugged his knees and began to rock back and forth. You jumped off his bed and crawled over to him and cupped his cheeks.

“Kurt, you need to wake up,” you commanded, trying to shake him. Though he was still asleep. “Come on,” you muttered, shaking his shoulders a bit. His eyes flew open and he started to panic and look, frantically, around the room. “Hey, hey, calm down, they can’t hurt you anymore,” you assured, you knew about his nightmares and what they were about but you didn’t know they could get this bad.

His breathing slowed a bit and sweat rolled down his face. “I am sorry, I did not mean to scare you,” he whispered, tuck his head between his knees.

“Hey, that’s okay, you can’t control nightmares they aren’t your fault,” you reassured, silently willing him to look up to you. “Do you want to talk about it?” He shook his head in response. For a few minutes, you just sat in silence - the sound of your breathing filling the empty space.

“You should go back to sleep,” he sat, slowly rising off the ground.

“I can’t sleep, I’m going to the kitchen,” you said, rubbing your arms up and down. He took notice of the small goosebumps that rose on your skin and pick the scrunched up blanket off his bed. He wrapped it around you and gave a small smile; to which you returned with a hug.

“You gonna stay up with me?” You asked.

“It is not like I have a choice,” he replied, grabbing your arms. You threw him a confused look just before a small flash then ending up in the kitchen.

“Nice,” you said, walking over to the fridge and pulling out some milk and chocolate. “You like hot chocolate?” 

“No, I have not, is it good?” 

“Hot chocolate is fabulous, I’ve decided that we’re having that now,” you announced, grabbing all the things you’d need to make the delicious hot drink. He watched your every move with a strong interested and when you had finally finished making the drink, he accepted it with open hands.

“Thank you,” Kurt said as you took a seat in front of his, on the opposite side of the counter.

“It’s okay,” you said, assuring him about more than just the drink. Kurt Wagner

Oh Captain, My Captain!

Title: Oh Captain, My Captain!

Characters: Steve Rogers, Reader

Summary: You just want a relaxing night out at a bar, but creepy dudes have other ideas.

Based On: Blue Bloods by Laurel

Listen: Here

Tagging: @liqhthouse @imagine-assembling-the-avengers (hope you don’t mind being tagged Angel!)

Warnings: Drinking, Assholes being Assholes, Pretty vulgar language. (I think that’s it! Message me if you find anymore!)

A/N: My first marvel one-shot! Let me know what my Little Angels think!

The bar was lit in amber light from the brown lampshades hanging above each table. Patrons muddle about, not too many were there, it was Wednesday after all. A few had struck up a game of pool in the corner of the room, but most just sat quietly in their booths, or at the counter where you were seated.

You signaled to the bar tender to refill your drink, scotch on the rocks. You take a sip, then return to people watching. It had been a long week, and it was only half way done. On Monday you had a double shift, then you coworker had a family emergency and you had to cover her shift. On Tuesday you had issues with what your store ordered, so that was screwed to high hell, and somehow your boss was blaming it on you, even though you have literally nothing to do with what they stock. And today, you had several moody, dick-bag customers blowing up at you, and yelling in your face because they were trying to use 3 year old coupons, and because of their own stupidity. How you managed to survive this long without maiming someone was incredible.

You took another well deserved sip of your drink as someone slides into the seat next to you. You ignored him at first, hoping he would take the hint, and stop looking you up and down like you were a piece of meat. But, nope! Just your luck that Neckbeard had to pick you out of all the people in this bar, just great!

“Hey Gorgeous, what’s a pretty girl like you doing in a bar like this?” God, you could smell his breath from where he was sitting, alcohol clearly present in it. You looked him over, his jeans are worn and fade with holes in them, a plain white T-shirt which is covered with various stains you don’t want to know about. His brown hair to greasy, and he smells like he hasn’t showered in days. Why couldn’t he see you wanted to be left the hell alone.

“Trying to have a relaxing night in the middle of the week, but a few people” You glare at him, “Are making that impossible.”

“Hey, hey, hey, I get it, some people just can’t take a hint ya know? That’s why you gotta be direct about it, flat out tell them you don’t won’t to talk to them.” He was clearly not taking the hint.

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“See, there you go just like that, say I was wondering, you wanna ditch this bar and head back to my place?”

“No,” he seems baffled by your blunt response, like he hasn’t heard it thousands of time before.

“You bitch, I have been nothing but kind to you, and you tell me no!” You are about to start into him when out of know where a large hand grabs his shoulder.

“I suggest you apologize to the lady, before things get ugly.” The voice attached to the hand say in a threatening manor. Neckbeard can’t see the man holding him, but you can. And damn, this man is huge, and quite handsome.

“Hey buddy, shove off this has nothing to do with you.” Neckbeard turned to face him, and you could instantly see the regret on his face.

“First off, I am not your buddy, second either you leave the nice lady alone, or you’re gonna have to deal with my fist to your face. Understand?” Neckbeard nodded his head vigorously, then quietly muttered an apology to you. A laugh left your lips before you could stop it, a smile spread across your face. That was by far the funniest thing you had seen that week. The blond man turned to you a sympathetic smile on his face.

“I’m sorry about him ma'am, some men are real pigs,” He turned to leave, but you called out to him.

“Wait!” he looked back to you, a questioning look on his face, “You should stay, in case he comes back you know” He smiled at you, like he knew what you were doing, and in all honesty he did, but you were pretty cute, and seemed interesting. “I’m (Y/N) by the way, and you are?”

“Steve,” He told you

“Well, Steve, has any one ever told you, you have some of the prettiest blues eyes?” You leaned over toward him. Man, you were never that bold without a little alcohol in you blood stream.

“Are you flirting with me?” A smug smirk was on his lips.

“Maybe,” You ended up talking to each other till last call, which you then exchanged numbers, and told him to call you. Which he did, the next day, that was the first of many, many dates to come. Now, Steve’s only mission was to never, ever let the other Avengers find out about you, the amount of teasing he would receive would be unbearable. But they did, when Tony and Clint went through his phone to look for people to prank call, only to find a contact under the name, sugar. The teasing would never ever let up after that.

Omg sherly this soft Disney princess!! (Don’t know who did this, but credit goes to the artist of course)