The Cozy Space

I am my own devil

Nothing in my life stays.

Nobody in my life stay.

It's not because they get tired of me,

It's because I shoo them away.

I am the reason for my state of mind

I lead people far away from me.

I always believe that people think anything about you on the basis of how you potray yourself

I have potrayed myself wrong

I am the cause for shifting people away from my life.

If people eventually leave that's because I make them to.

I am my own devil

The cause for my destruction

I do... do I... ??

Yesterday I went shopping with my granny and aunt. For a change, I was wearing a sari. a black sari with bronze border. I was looking pretty good.

The idea of going with them was not a good one. I was damn bored. I was gazing around the shop looking at things that I would never buy. What else to do...

I was standing there looing at some dress, when an old lady came next to me and asked "Your sari is amazing. Where did you buy that from dear?"

"Its from Kerala aunty"

(I am now in Chennai. TN)

"Oh! its beautiful. I was shopping for my granddaughter and she loves black. she is almost your age and looks like you too. could you please help me select one for her. My taste you see is quite old"

"sure aunty"

I was happy that she asked for my help. Now at least I will be looking around with some purpose. Now, there is certainly one thing about old people. they are damn inquisitive... In no time they pull out every detail about you. So was this lady, she was asking me all sorts of questions, I did not want to be rude so I answered with patience and moreover she was very sweet.

After a while I picked out a black sari with pink and green border. It was a beauty. she seemed satisfied too... as I was helping her with a billing she insisted on getting me something too. now that's too much. I politely declined. She finally gave up and suddenly out of nowhere a guy called her.

"Where were you? I was looking all around the place for you"

"You were bored weren't you. This young girl helped me pick a sari for your sister"

"Thank you so much. I'm Ram"

"Hey. I'm Razia"

A tall handsome young guy. A beard, tall, husky voice. Just amazing. I never used to believe in love at first sight. "Bullshit" was my synonym for it. But yesterday when I saw him I got butterflies in my stomach. I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

But that's it. I get that feeling for the first time and that too towards a person I will never meet again. 

God wasn't that cruel too. that aunty was so happy with me helping her that she too out a small piece of paper, wrote her name, address and her grandson's no. she told me to call him if I get any confusions with the address as I am new in town.

I have that paper right in front of me. I do lie him. but do I? I can call him should I? questions unanswered I sit her perplexed. I don't now. maybe as I always say, there isn't love at first sight, it always a crush and he would also pile up in my little list of crushes.  

To find that they were better off

Behind those locked doors.

Being lovers or strangers, either way being them

And not exposed and vulnerable

223. Incognito

Behind closed doors, they were lovers.

As mothers, she held her close,

Trying to feed by milking her blood

She was more than happy, a little more confused

Euphoria maybe or post pregnancy hormones

She was scared to let go, the baby was so tiny and fragile…

 .

He came in, a little late, hurried to see if his beloved was okay

Yes he was happy, but more worried I guess

He held her close, and apologized

Asked her whether she was happy or not

 .

They both looked at the baby, happy and content

This seemed to be a moment that could be captured

 .

It’s been years since then, I look up at the picture

My mom telling me what that day meant

I have heard this story a hundred times, but each time she says it a different way

 .

Sometimes I see her telling me that story with so much happiness that I wish he was around

And yet other times there is so much hatred I am glad they aren’t together…

 .

And yet, when he tells me the story I see pain as to not having spent enough time with me

 .

I don’t know whether to hate them both or love them

Either way I seem caught in an endless cycle

.’.’.’.’.’.’.’.’

I was walking down the foothills of some huge mountain, in a small corner of this world. It was an evening with mist, a slight shiver and a cool breeze… I was walking with some excellent music plugged in, a nice evening of solidarity.

That’s when I saw two really old men sitting next to each other, sharing a cigarette and smiling at each other. At a glance, they seemed like two people who had grown old together, that smile caught a lot of warmth, I couldn’t resist a smile looking at them.

I walked past them, sat on a small rock and lit a cigarette and started smoking, they were still smiling, I couldn’t stop myself from talking to them

‘Hey uncle, are you guys childhood friends?’ I asked.

They looked at each other, then at me and smiled again, I couldn’t quite understand what that smile meant, maybe they did not want to answer, so I continued smoking and looked away.

A few minutes later someone tapped on my shoulder, I looked up and saw those two smiling faces…

‘We just met each other a couple of years ago, and are deeply madly in love’ and they gave out a shy smile followed by the answer. That blush on their face was undefinable. I gave out a smile, they waved at me and told me,

“find that love soon, we waited a bit too long”

I love old couples, because there is this happiness on seeing people having spent their entire life with someone. It sends out hope. I always believed love was in growing old together, and that love was doing everything together. But I had never seen love like that, the love in the eyes of those two, in the smile of those two, it was beyond all the love I had known, it was the love that made me smile throughout my way back. 

It physically hurts me 

to see him, her and them

all laughing together.

To have been a part of it once

and now being a mere spectator.

To have had promises made

and to have them easily broken.

It physically hurts me,

to put myself to sleep every night

crying, weeping and consoling myself.

It haunts me that this separation

day in and day out

will pursue, till everything rather everyone vanish

It’s haunting to not understand the cause,

It physically hurts me

to see people I love hate me so much.

It physically hurts me to see that though a lot of people like me

no one understands what I feel

Being around so many people

no one notices that I weep right under their nose.

It haunts me that ‘

the validation rather the acknowledgement of my presence i seek from people will never be understood,

the need for someone around to lend me a ear and understand me will never be understood

It physically and emotionally hurts me.

it’s haunting to live in a place you hate, around people you hate, doing things you hate.

It’s haunting to tell all of this out loud. It’s hurting me inside out. 

Behind every sucessful man there is a woman, but behind every unsuccesful there are two.

the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” is actually not the full phrase it actually is “curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back” so don’t let anyone tell you not to be a curious little baby okay go and be interested in the world uwu

Snowy....

These human beings are so strange. They love you so much that they try to chain you down. They think only if you can hold on to something, maybe someone only then love remains.

Well, I love them too. They say, a dog is the most loyal animal, a man’s best friend. I am loyal to my humans, and I have been their best friend.

It’s funny, they think they can chain me down and love me more.

Yeah I know this is all very confusing to understand as to what is happening. I’ll begin from the beginning.

So, I’m Snowy; a white Pomeranian. I know not a creative name, but I like it now. I was 3 weeks old when I saw this beautiful family of human beings. A man, a woman, and a tiny human, all riding in a bike together. Cute..

I thought they’d feed me, so I went in front of the bike, they stopped but before that, they hurt me. I got hit by the bike. It did hurt, a lot. I was screaming, howling to be precise. They took good care of me. They cared a lot. I kept hearing them saying, I saved their life. Apparently, there was a stone in front of the bike and because I came in front they got saved. Otherwise they would have got hurt it seems.

So, now I’m theirs, just like that. They picked me up and I’m theirs. Named me Snowy, it was a silly name in the beginning, but now it’s nice. There is love when they call me Snowy. Cute...

Soon, I got a collar, a chain and a new home. I started marking my territory. I peed in all the poles and corners, so that no one else came in. There is this another human, the one who always wears the blue shirt, who always stays next to the tall iron wall. He help-s me keep my territory mine. He doesn't allow other dogs to come in. He help[s me keep my territory mine. My blue human.

A lot of people come here and everyone loves me. Not bragging or anything, but I am cute. You know the type girls like. So ya, I get a lot of attention. I see a lot of other dogs, trying to come in, trying to be friends with me, trying to scare me. At first i wouldn’t allow, but then I needed some friends.

But the actual problems was during the nights. Now, we dogs love nights. The phrase shouldn’t be night owl, rather night dogs. because we are the guards of dogs, we are the night owls, I mean the night dogs.

But these humans, they are so boring. They sleep at night, and they don’t bother much, so at night the other big dogs, they come to my place, they try to mark my territory as theirs. I bark and bark until they leave, I howl I scream. But this happens every night and the humans don’t like it.

I am 2 years old now. All grown up and there is this another tiny human in the house. A little cuter than me. He gets all the attention now, doesn’t like me much, and now I’m not allowed inside the house. I like this tiny human, but I’m not allowed to be close to him. I wonder why.

I go wandering to find some cute dogs, friendly dogs, some nice dogs, I really need someone to spend time with.

One time I was walking around and this human just took me away. I don’t understand these humans, they think they can just pick me up and take me home. Like I’m this thing they can possess. I was chained there for a few nights and one night I got the chance to run away. I came back to my humans. told you I was loyal, again there was so much love, but there was something missing. No dog understood me. There are a lot of humans who really like me, but these humans don’t understand me.

That’s when I saw this cute little girl dog. she was heavenly beautiful. She crawled in at night and ate my leftover food, I didn’t feel like barking, her puppy eyes, wagging tail... it was just beautiful. She was so adorable, like that little human.

She started coming every night from then on and I started leaving some food for her every night. But for some odd reason, she seemed very scared. It seemed like someone had hurt her. She licked me to say thank you. I sat her down and asked her one time, why she was scared and what happened. She didn’t wanna talk and just gave out a meek bark. I respected that, so I never asked her again. It’s up to her, but I assured her that she would be safe around me and my humans. Since then she’s always around me. She goes out to meet some other friends and come back at night when no humans are around, tells me everything that happened during the day, and just like that I become a part of her adventure and she became a part of my life. Eventually they found out but accepted her, and I told you right, those eyes have a charm!

Then we’ve always been around. I went out again and those huge scary dogs, they started barking and started chasing me away. I started running and everywhere it was the same, those huge dogs. They just couldn’t stop barking. I ran and ran and came near this car. It stopped and the humans gave me food and again those humans thought they can take me home, and just like that I was in their house. I was gone again. I didn’t know where I was, what I was doing. I was chained, taken care of, fed properly, loved. But I was chained. I wanted to go back to my humans.

I had to leave, I just had to, after a long time, many nights, they take me back to my humans. It was strange, they loved me and still just gave me away.

My humans, they kept asking me why I left, I told them, I barked and barked, I told them I was chased but they didn’t listen to me. I mean how would they, these humans only hear only what they want to hear. Ever since then, I’m chained. They say it’s for my own good. I can’t walk more than 8 feet, this chain, it pulls me back, pulls me down. Remember that puppy, she still comes visit me. She has grown up a little now, but those puppy eyes, they still are the same. She licked my face as soon as she saw me. Told me how much these human were worried. I told I went to see the world she always used to tell me about. The outside world.

Now I’m struck in my own world. These humans, they’re strange. They think in the name of love, they can lock me down and say it’s all for my own good. They say they love me unconditionally and put me under conditions. These humans, they love in a strange way.

I diagnosed myself of suicidal tendencies.

I'm over it now

I'm glad I'm over it.

I was fascinated by death

But it's over now.

What would have happened

If my thoughts had gone real..?

If my laziness had not pertained.?

Yes, I was lazy to die too...

I would have jumped off that building I pass through everyday.

I would have been somewhere else now

Food to the worms

And in time would have been just bones and only bones.

Many would have cried....

Some for days, others for weeks, and

Yet a few for months.

But the law of memory would have allowed everybody to forget me.

That's what happens to everybody.

That's normal.

But then, why is it normal..?

Why do we forget..?

We say people are everything

Then why do we forget..?

I know its moving on,

And that it's very essential.

But then, most of the time

The person doesn't even remain in our vaguest memory.

Aniversaries of death in the initial years

Brings back the flood of tears.

But with years, even that dissappears.

So, what significance do people have

What do they mean in life.?

That haunts me today

More than my chaos.

And now, death does not facinate me

But rather the question....

Why does the memory fade away..?