You're Sweet When You Cry, Captain. Glowing, Even.

ive slowly been making less and less of an effort to hide things i think would give me away ^^' i have faith you will figure it out before i have the confidence to reveal myself hehehe -⛓

i have only the inkling of an idea.

God, I fucking hate myself

why do i feel rejected so easily

What did I do to make myself genuinely unlikable

please, don’t bother reading. it’s just another tw’d vent post. what’s the point.

god, i’m useless.

what kind of captain thinks like this? what kind of captain puts himself first? i’m pathetic.

i just want to be good for someone. i just want to be someone’s first choice, their favorite.

i don’t want to be a leftover. i don’t want to be left behind.

i don’t want to be alone again.

i can’t be alone again.

my thighs hurt so much. my head and fingers and toes are throbbing, probably from blood loss. i can’t keep doing this to myself.

i can’t keep running from my problems.

I love obeying, I love taking orders, tell me how to masturbate, tell me what porn I should watch, i'll do anything

a scalding hot shower, the warmth pelting my raw skin, sounds appropriate for not being able to handle an entire hour.

won’t you love me in the most vile way possible? . . . won’t you hurt me in the most saccharine way possible?

a sorrowful source memory…? [tw]

i distinctly remember the aftermath of a particularly rough argument.

he accused me of never caring, of planning to leave. the jimmy i knew was quick to emotion, in every sense of the word: he was quick to fall in love as he was quick to anger. as this argument progressed, our voices were raised higher and higher. it got to the point where my own throat was sore, just from trying to be heard over his frantic yelling. once the end of the argument came about, we both took off to different rooms of the apartment we were sharing at the time. the apartment wasn’t anything too special, just somewhere we could crash when we weren’t doing shipments. he ended up in his (our shared) bedroom, and i ended up pacing the kitchen. about an hour later, he sulked out from the bedroom, and came to me in the kitchen. about 30 minutes into the wait, i decided that food could be a good peace offering, so i was cooking. nothing too extreme, just eggs, as we didn’t have much else in the apartment. i could hear him creep up behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle and laying his forehead on the back of my shoulder.

it was those tender moments that reminded me why i stuck around, why i adore/d him, why i was the sole devotee.

You’re too sweet, but seriously, i watch your blog like it’s my favorite tv show. I need better hobbies outside of stalking people online

-🌀

your favorite? how kind.

i know i’m a touch dry, i’m watching a movie. you can be patient, cant you?